


Love Stings

by Mathemagician37



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-02-09 06:26:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 75,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1972359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mathemagician37/pseuds/Mathemagician37
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The BAU team gets a case about women being targeted apparently random, with a very strange MO. In the meantime, Emily struggles with her feelings for JJ. Femslash, Emily/JJ.</p><p>Rated 'Explicit' for chapter 13 and 18. The rest is rated 'Mature'/'Teen and up audiences'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a native English speaker, so keep that in mind when you run into grammatical or any other errors. If you notice very bad mistakes or anything else, any commentary is appreciated. :) I hope you'll enjoy this story nevertheless.

She stretched her arms as she was taking a look at the clock. It said it was almost ten in the evening. She had to work overtime almost the whole week now, and she was sick of it. She had not wanted the job in the first place, but she had to work, otherwise she would probably be homeless by now. So she guessed it was just fine doing the job. It was not that hard. Not compared to what she studied for. Although, she could do better than this, just being in the office all day, processing numbers. It was a job she actually did not want to have.

She had never been the kind of ambitious hard worker. When she studied at the university, only a couple of years ago, she did not want to do anything for it. She was just really smart, which got her through the whole thing with straight As. People were always a little jealous of her being this smart and not doing anything for it. Her friends were full of awe, because they studied so hard for such lower grades than she got. She kind of felt sorry for them, but at least they were ambitious enough to do something even remotely interesting. She had never had that drive.

So, now she was sitting there, working late for a job she did not even care about. The reason she had to work late was that the company where she works was in serious trouble when it came to money. The company had to cut in their payments, but mostly in their number of employees. Her job was at stake, and she could not risk being fired, so she had to work overtime. She inhaled a deep breath, before breathing out again. Her stomach was boiling with appetite by the time that the clock marked ten o'clock, so she had to go out, get some food.

Maybe she was just calling her roommate, ask her if she wanted to order some food. She considered her options as she grabbed her stuff. She finally decided to call her roommate on her way home.

Ten minutes later, she was leaving the building behind, walking to the bus stop. She checked the timetable, and saw the last bus that evening went half an hour ago. Silently cursing, she decided to walk back home. It was only a few blocks anyway, but she did not like to be out on the streets that late. Especially because her company was situated in a bad neighborhood. She sped up her pace as she felt the unaddressed feeling that she was being watched. She threw a quick glance over her shoulder, but she saw nothing. She heard nothing. There was nothing out there, but still she was scared as hell. She dialed her roommates number to tell her the plans of that night.

"Okay, see you in ten." She ended the call by hanging up. She had the awkward feeling that someone was following her, lingering around her, but she decided not to feed her suspicions anymore by glancing over her shoulder every ten seconds.

She was only halfway her way home, when she heard something. This time it was for real, because when she turned around, she felt a hand covering her mouth as she was about to scream. But only muffled sounds came out. Nobody heard her. Nobody would hear her.

"If you call for help, I will slit your throat." A raspy, ragged voice breathed in her ear. It really gave her the chills. The man was strong, she figured. She tried to fight him, but he did not let her. He kept her easily in control.

She did not even think when she bit down in his hand, the man withdrawing it as fast as possible, as if he had burned his hand on a hot stove. The moment he loosened his grip on her, she bolted. She ran as fast as her body would allow her to run. Years of practicing soccer would help her right now to escape the bastard who was trying to harm her or whatever his plan was with her.

For a few seconds, she thought she had escaped, until she felt something smashing into the back of her head, and everything went black.

* * *

Emily was sitting in the plane, leaning with her head against the cold window. Her head hurt, so it was kind of a relief to cool her head a little. She closed her eyes for a moment, when she noticed someone was taking place in front of her. She opened her eyes again, and met Morgan's eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asked. He looked very concerned, but then again, he was her partner for almost two years now and it was kind of his job to care about her. She shrugged.

"I don't know." She answered, trying to avoid his gaze. She did not know if she was okay. Sometimes, cases just really got to her. Especially the ones with children. They just could not defend themselves, and there should have been a whole life ahead of them, they would not be able to explore anymore.

"You can talk about it, you know. It helps." He offered, still trying to lock eyes with the brunette, but clearly failing. She was just too deep in thoughts to really pay attention to the man. After a few seconds, maybe minutes of silence, Morgan broke the silence again. "Sometimes, you are a book written in a different language, Prentiss."

The brunette shrugged again. "I learned to shield my emotions when I was pretty young. I guess that's still part of me." She looked out of the window again, down to the lights of the houses she was not able to distinguish from each other.

She thought of all the people who were wandering through the streets, who were sitting in their living room, watching to the television with their families, or people in restaurants, having dates, exchanging quick glances, or people who were even 'sealing the deal'. She thought of all the people whose lives did not only content the brutalities that her life contained. People who could walk across streets, without knowing what some sick minded people are capable of, without knowing what some psychopaths think, without understanding it.

She wondered if she could be that person. A normal person, sitting on the couch with a lovely husband, and three beautiful kids she just tucked in their separate beds, telling them bedtime stories, other than the stories she got to know every day. She would tell them stories about princes on white horses, saving the damsel in distress, not the stories about women being tortured, because some mentally disturbed person was impotent and the only way to get off was to harm those women.

* * *

The woman opened her eyes. It was very dark, but not dark enough not to see anything anymore. She was sitting in a chair, and her arms and legs were strapped to the chair, so she could not move. When she tried, the straps cut her flesh and it started bleeding, so she decided a little panicked that she should not try that again.

She tried to scream, but the walls reverberated the sounds of her voice, which scared her even more. Nobody would hear her scream. She had just thought she was left alone there to die, when she heard the creaking of the floor. She heard steps coming closer, but they were from behind her back, so she could not see who was approaching her. The man.

"Nobody will hear you." A steady voice with a familiar accent spoke. She saw the man entering her sight in the corner of her eyes. There was something familiar about the man, like she saw him before. And not just once, but more like she saw the guy on daily basis. She could not place the feeling.

"Why are you keeping me here?" The woman asked. She tried to sound steady and calm, but instead, she sounded like a chicken ready for slaughter. Or actually, not ready at all. She knew what was coming. This was going to be her ending. Not a happy ending. She saw this in movies. When the bastard showed his face, you were done. There was only one thing that could save you in that moment, but she could not count on that.

Nobody would hear her scream. She had the silent hope that her roommate would have called the cops by now, but unless they knew something about this guy, they were not going to find her in time. She would just be another case on the pile of homicides. One of the faceless people they had to investigate, dig into her life to find something useful to catch the perpetrator. She even doubted she would ever be found. That was probably the worst nightmare; not being found. When someone was missing, you just did not know if the person in question was still in life or not. There would be no closure for her loved ones.

She got the feeling that she was not going to live. With this guy, she just knew she was going to die. She did not want to, but unwanted thoughts crawled into her brains. She thought about the people who were going to miss her. Which would not be a lot of them. Probably her family. She did not have many friends. She did not have a boyfriend either. That thought was depressing her on so many levels. She should not be thinking about death. In these kind of situations, you had to figure out a way to escape, not a way to die. The instinct of a human being should be to wanting to live, to do everything to stay alive, not to find out a way to make her death as quick and painless as possible.

"Are you thinking about a way to escape? Or are you just thinking about your life? What you've become? What you did, or did not do? What you regret doing, or not doing? I'm curious. Tell me. I wonder what it is like to be perfect, aren't you? Or don't you think everything turned out that way you wanted it to be?" The man in black was talking slowly, but very clear. His accent made the words sound funny in some way, although she did not think it was funny at all. She was scared to death.

Then she reminded who the man was..

* * *

She snapped out of her thoughts as she felt Morgan sitting down next to her. "So, are you going to tell me, or what?" The handsome man next to her asked. She looked up at him and frowned at the question.

"Who says there's something up?" The brunette asked, still not quite out of thoughts. She was still floating around in her imagination. She wandered off, thinking about a certain blonde, working at the same unit as she did.

She knew it was wrong, and it was pretty prospectless, since the other woman was not even gay or bisexual, but still. Emily had known she was bisexual since she was just a teenager. She had never told anybody, though. Only her past female lovers knew in some way. Her partner did not know. Or at least, she had not told him. Maybe he knew, because he is quite a good profiler and would have figured it out by now. But for as long as Emily could say, she had not given it away. She kept her glancing at the blonde at a minimum, so people would not suspect anything, but her partner knew her better than that.

Sometimes she was scared he already knew everything, like she already knew JJ was seeing Will LaMontagne. Some things did not have to be told to be clear. Some things told their story all by themselves. So far, no one had ever questioned her sexuality, so she thought people would not think about her having a crush on the communications liaison either.

"Well, you're sunken in thoughts for about ten minutes now, not talking to me and just looking outside. So I guessed there was something you wanted to talk about. But I sense that's not the matter here, so I will back off right now." He winked at the dark-eyed woman as he stood up and walked away to listen to some music, or whatever he was up to.


	2. Chapter 2

The next Monday half of the BAU team was sitting in the bullpen, working on some small cases, filing paperwork or doing something else. Emily was just really tired. She did not catch a lot of sleep that weekend. She was lying awake at night. She could not quite figure out what kept her awake, but she was worrying about JJ. She did not look happy with the things going on with Will. Since they admitted to the rest of the team they were together, JJ was being weird, like something was up.

Emily did not quite know how to handle the situation. She did not want things to be awkward between the two of them, because that could seriously affect their teamwork. She did not know if she had to ask JJ about it, or if she was not the kind of friend for her to do that. But she also figured that none of the other team members would do it. She decided to wait, and see if things got better without her help. If JJ needed it, she might ask it herself.

A few weeks later in New York during one of their most stressing and important cases, Will made JJ tell that she was pregnant. It really explained a lot to Emily, but she still did not know what to do with her new-found intel. Instead, she would just be glad for her friend that she was pregnant. But somehow she seriously doubted if the blonde even loved her boyfriend. She did not get the opportunity to ask her, until they got a new case.

"So, we got three different women from Ohio, who were kidnapped and found three days later, left for dead in secluded areas. The first victim is Stacy Robinson, a primary school teacher. She was found two months ago at the side of the highway. There were bruises on her ankles and wrists, and also around her throat. Cause of death is probably strangulation. Puncture wounds where found in her neck, along with some odd red marks covering the bigger part of her body. They differ from puncture wounds caused by needles.

The same goes for the other two victims, Lauren Mellow, shop-assistant and Iris Boswell, a lawyer. They were found aside a highway with the same injuries as the first victim. The first victim was found almost two months ago, the second about five weeks ago and the third two weeks ago. The police of Toledo suspect another incident within two weeks maximum. The unsub may be evolving, so there's a possibility that the fourth victim has already been kidnapped. In that case, they need us to fly in immediately.

They have no leads, because there were no connections between the people in question and there were no fingerprints or DNA found on the bodies. So far, they think it must have been personal, because they had their wallets with them when they were found, so robbery was not the motive." JJ informed the rest of the team in the conference room as they thumbed through their files.

"And they have no idea what the red marks are?" Morgan asked the communications liaison, frowning with frustration. It looked like they were going to be on the plane in an hour.

"They have ideas, but they will fill us in once when we get there." JJ answered, flipping through the rest of the photos. "The plane is ready, we'll go in an hour."

* * *

An hour later, they were in the plane, discussing the case.

"So, we got a teacher, a lawyer and a clerk. That means we have three people with public jobs. All of them mid-twenties, so the unsub will probably be mid-twenties to begin-thirties too. They're Caucasian, so the unsub will most likely be Caucasian too." Morgan stated.

"Owns a secluded building or house where he can hold the women for three days, along with a van or another vehicle big enough to ship the women to and from the address he takes and mutilates his hostages." Reid added.

"To do that, he needs a great amount of money. He'll probably inherited it, or has a well-payed job." Prentiss finished Reid's statement.

"The unsub is well-organised. He left the victims aside the highway, probably driving straight on until he knew he wouldn't be seen or recognized. He probably dumped them at night. There are no witnesses to the abductions, so those must have happened at night too." Hotch added before there was a moment of silence. Everyone seemed to think about another thing to add.

Reid flipped the photos of the victims between his hands while scanning them thoroughly. He frowned as he compared the marks. "It's actually kind of strange." He paused as he earned all attention. Everyone stared at him.

"What is, Reid?" JJ asked, after she thought the silence had lasted long enough.

"It seems like all of them are stung. By wasps or other insects of some sort, but I'd guess those are wasp stings." He flipped through the photos again, laying them next to each other on the table, pointing at the marks. "You would think they are puncture wounds, because there's one in the middle of the spots. Those are the places the wasps stung. The red mark around it is the allergic reaction." He paused. "It's different from a bee sting, because mostly the needle of the bee is stuck in the skin of the person it stung. Bees will die after they stung you, but wasps won't. They can sting more than once, and sting on purpose, while a bee only stings if threatened, as a last resort."

"There are dozens of them. Wasp stings hurt like a bitch." Morgan responded at the new theory, his face expressing a clear discomfort with the situation.

"Wasps really freak me out." JJ added a little more than sultry at what she had just learned. "I'm allergic to them. I have to carry an EpiPen with me, in case I get stung."

"About twenty percent of the people is allergic to wasps. If one has a severe allergy and gets stung, one can suffer from an anaphylactic shock, and eventually die. As JJ already stated, you can treat such a shock with epinephrine." Reid rattled. "A lot of people have phobias about them."

"Which makes it even crueler than it already is. So we can say the unsub is a sadist." Rossi said. "Why wasps?"

"Maybe the unsub has trouble connecting to people, and instead, connects with wasps. Maybe he sees them as his friends, seeks for devotion in them. Maybe it's his obsession." Reid threw the idea out in the open.

"You think about socially awkward? Autistic maybe?" Prentiss frowned.

"Chances are he is extremely smart. Which is probably the reason we haven't found him yet." Hotch sighed.

* * *

The woman opened her eyes. They had to get accustomed to the dark. It took some time till she realized what her situation was. She was held hostage by some creep. And worse, some creep she knew. Someone she had considered outrageously crazy. And now she got her confirmation. She was right about him. He was crazy. Her back and neck hurt like hell, so did the straps on her wrists and ankles. How long had she been there? How long had she been out?

She heard footsteps again, looking around to see if the man was entering again. She knew screaming would only make him mad, so she stayed calm. Or maybe calm was not the right word. Maybe the right word was that she acted calmly. Her heart beat fast, like a drum in her chest. She was awkwardly aware of the fact that it might not beat that many times as she had initially hoped it would beat. Suddenly she heard a voice in her ear. She startled in response.

"I want you to meet my friend, Hutch." His voice sounded ragged, but excited. The woman turned her head around, and saw the man was holding a jar with a wasp in it. He looked at it in devotion, almost as if he was in love with the creature. "I hope you aren't allergic. It would take away the fun." He smirked, almost maniacally. He unscrewed the lid of the jar and covered the opening with a piece of paper. "Let's see what place I'll put you." The man stroked a finger across her skin. He finally stopped at her hand and turned around the jar, placing the opening on her hand.

It did not take long, before the wasp landed down on her skin. She knew it would hurt, because she got stung by wasps before. She closed her eyes as she held her breath. A piercing pain cut through her body. She could almost feel the venom spreading through her hand, forming a swelling around the spot the wasp had stung her. She gritted her teeth, because she did not want to scream. She did not allow this man to hear her desperation, to hear her pain. To feel her pain. That was what he wanted. She was not planning on giving him what he wanted.

Even if that meant she was going to be tormented any longer.

* * *

They arrived at the precinct in Toledo. They did not have much more information than they already had, and it was already late in the evening. They figured it would be better to catch some sleep for the night, before they would investigate any further. They did not even know if there was another victim, and since the other attacks were all three weeks from each other, they concluded it would take another week for the unsub to abduct another woman.

As usual, JJ and Prentiss shared a hotel room, because they were the only two women in the team, and there were no mixed sexes allowed to share a room. When they were in there rooms, Emily plopped down on the bed. She was exhausted. JJ sat down on the other bed in the room, nearest to the window. She stared outside, holding her hand on her abdomen. Emily turned on her side to face her.

"Are you okay?" She asked a little concerned. Maybe something was wrong.

"Eh. Yeah, I guess." She looked a little absent-minded.

"Something's wrong with the baby?" The brunette asked. She did not really think there was something wrong, but she wanted the blonde to tell her what was wrong. Maybe she could offer her some help. Maybe there were problems. At least, there seemed to be problems which she would rather not talk about, but she preferred having it confirmed, than she would just guess that the other woman did not want to talk about it. Sometimes people just needed a soft push in the right way.

"No, everything is fine with the baby." She stroked her abdomen as she said it. She closed her eyes, as if she was considering her options. "Will wants to marry me."

"Do you love him?" Emily asked, not tearing her gaze away from the blonde. She was getting nervous, because she was fiddling with her fingernails.

"I guess." She did not avert her gaze from the window as she said those words. Emily raised her eyebrows.

"You guess or you know?" This question made the blue-eyed woman turn her head away from the window to look at the brown-eyed woman on the bed next to hers.

"I don't know." She breathed, as if her own reaction made her startle. Emily could see nothing but sorrows and doubts in those blue eyes. She felt sorry for her, but she did not want to be the person who talked the couple apart. Especially because JJ was pregnant. If she was going to leave the man, she had to be sure that there was nothing between them she could work on. "I'm pregnant with his baby, Em."

"And if you hadn't been?" Emily asked slightly hesitant. She actually did not want to ask the question, because she already knew the answer. Somehow she already knew the woman did not love Will. She could see it in her eyes. The way she looked at him was not the same way he looked at her. But she also knew that the blonde would never admit it. In response, she just shook her head.

"I don't know, Em. I don't know. I am pregnant. It makes a difference." She bit her lip, trying to hold back her tears. She had to be strong. She got herself in this position, so she had to deal with it. Emily sat up, facing JJ at the same height.

"I just want you to be happy." Emily whispered. "Whatever you choose to do. You have to think of yourself." If she could have done it, she would have sat down next to the blonde and had taken her in her arms to comfort her. But she did not know if that was the right thing to do, and she did not know if she could bring herself to do so. She did not know if the younger woman wanted Emily to enter her personal space. So instead she just said: "It's also your life, not only your baby's. Or Will's."

JJ just nodded as a tear spilled on her lap.


	3. Chapter 3

She was not going to die of wasp stings. Wasp stings were only dangerous if one had allergies; not if one had not. She had stopped counting after a little over twenty times. She had given up the hope that she would ever be able to escape. Even if there was an option to run, because the man would leave her unattended, she would not be able to walk, because there were stings in her feet and hands. Also, they were between her legs, her neck, her armpits, her knees.. It was just too much to count.

She scared herself a little bit, because never she would have thought she would be craving to die. And she was craving to die. More than ever. She just did not want to beg for it. The man would be too pleased with her begging, and she was not willing to give him that pleasure. That was what he wanted. He wanted to control her, to make her say the things he wanted to hear. As much as she wanted to die, she was not going to give him that last part of hers.

* * *

"Jennifer." The older woman said, before sitting down next to the younger one, still far enough to let her decide if she wanted her to be this close to another person at that moment. "You don't have to decide yet. You can tell him you need time to figure out what you want."

"I shouldn't be pondering about this. Will is so good for me." The blonde stared at her knees, still biting her lip.

"Do you want to spend forever with him?" Although she hated the man, Emily kept hesitating about her questions. She did not want to be the cause of a bad break-up. She did not want to be a home-wrecker, but she also could not see her friend get hurt. She cared about the blonde; more than she could tell her.

The blonde shook her head. "I don't know. I just don't know. I never thought it through, I guess. He's willing to give up his job, Emily." She buried her face in her hands. The brunette laid her hand on the blonde's back to comfort her a little. She was really feeling sorry for the younger woman, but she did not really know what to do.

"Everything will be okay." She whispered, although she did not know if that was true.

* * *

"There's another victim. We meet in the lobby in five." Hotch said through the phone, before hanging up.

Emily put her phone back in her pocket, before turning to JJ again. "We have another victim. We have to go downstairs." She looked into the eyes of the blonde. "Are you okay?" She asked, although she knew the answer. JJ wiped her eyes and nodded slowly. "If you need to talk to someone, I'm here for you, okay?" She laid her hand on the arm of the younger woman and squeezed reassuringly.

JJ nodded and finally looked back into the eyes of the other woman. "Thanks. You're a good friend." She said. Emily just wanted to wrap her arms around the younger woman, but she did not do it. She thought it would be little more than inappropriate to do such a thing. Well, they were friends, but she did not know if JJ was the kind of woman to hug. She did know that Emily herself was not really the kind of woman to hug a lot, so it would strike the other woman as strange.

"Let's go, then." Emily offered, after what seemed like ages. She was about to turn around, when the blonde wrapped her arms around her. She was caught off guard, but she got hold of herself fast and hugged the woman back. She closed her eyes, and breathed in the scent of the younger woman. Her heart fluttered in her chest.  _It's just a hug._  She thought. She felt her face flush in the embrace, so she decided it might be better to pull out of the hug and go downstairs. She did not want to give herself away.

"Really, thanks. You're sweet." JJ said, as she pulled out of the embrace.

"No problem. You deserve it. You're a good person, Jayje." Emily turned around to walk to the door. She did not want to look into the eyes of the blonde right now. She would give away her intentions. She would give away her feelings. Her true feelings. She did not want anybody to know. She had to pull up her walls as fast as possible, because they had to get back to work again.

* * *

Half an hour later, they were at the crime scene, aside the highway.

"The unsub is evolving. This one is only two weeks apart from the last one." Rossi stated, taking off his sunglasses to take a better look at the girl. "What do we know about her?"

"Her name is Marie van Vliet. She's twenty-six years old." Hotch said, looking at her ID.

"Sounds Dutch. Where's she from?" Morgan asked.

"She is from the Netherlands. She came to Ohio two years ago. She's got an office-job in the city." Hotch answered the question. "We don't know why she came here yet."

"Well, let's ask Pen." JJ said, dialing the number. "Hey, sweetie. What do you got on Marie van Vliet, - V - L - I - E - T?"

"She's from the Netherlands. She came here in the summer of '06. Her sister studied here, so she came to visit for the holidays. It's not clear why she decided to stay here. Maybe a boyfriend or something else? That's for you to find out. She worked at some unknown office in the city."

"So, unlike the others, she did not have a public job. Did she have anything in common with the other three victims?" JJ frowned.

"No, nothing." She could hear the other woman shake her head.

"That's rather odd. Well, could you find out if she has accounts on dating sites or anything?" JJ asked, biting her cheek.

"I will pull everything I can. Garcia out." Garcia disconnected their conversation.

"Well, Garcia will try to find everything on this victim, but as far as we know, she has no links to the other victims and she doesn't have a public job." JJ stated.

"Her roommate reported her missing three days ago. Let's check up on her?" Prentiss offered.

"You and Morgan will talk to the roommate. JJ and Reid will go to the office, see if they know something. The rest of us will go back to the precinct, see if we can find anything useful on the other victims." Hotch said, turning to walk back to his SUV.

* * *

Two hours later, all of them met at the precinct again.

"So, what have you got?" Hotch asked, looking at the genius and the blonde.

"They didn't know a lot about Van Vliet. She never went to any parties or gatherings. She was a very introvert person. Nobody knew her well enough to know if something was out of place, or if she was acting strangely." Reid stated. "She was a little socially awkward, and I'm under the impression that they thought she was autistic on some level."

"So, she has that in common with the unsub." Hotch turned around to the board and wrote down some things. "You?" He turned to Prentiss and Morgan.

"The roommate reported her missing. Van Vliet called right before she left work. She had been working overtime, and they arranged on eating together that evening. When she wasn't home after an hour and some phone calls, she decided to call the police. She didn't notice any changes in behavior, only the stress due to her job. They were having financial issues." Prentiss informed the rest of the team.

"What about the relationship between the roommate and Van Vliet?" Hotch asked.

"She told us she wasn't very open to her. She didn't know her that well. She never talked about feelings or boyfriends or anything personal." Reid answered.

"So, we got ourselves a victim, who was pretty much invisible for her neighborhood, but somehow, the unsub knew her. She caught his eye. How?" Prentiss frowned. JJ's phone buzzed.

"Pen, you're on speaker." She said as she answered the phone.

"So, I tried to find something about Van Vliet's life before America, and I found out she studied mathematics in Leiden until she got her master's degree at age 23. She must have been amazingly smart, because she graduated summa cum laude. She lived with her parents until she moved to Ohio."

"Hmm, that's odd." Reid intervened. "Why would she have a minor job in an office, if she could do something much more intellectually challenging? And why in the States? In the Netherlands are enough job opportunities, especially in that field. She could have done research and get her PhD. Instead, she moved to Toledo." He frowned, sunken in thoughts.

"Thanks, baby girl." Morgan said, before JJ hung up. "So, I guess our next step is to search her home."

* * *

The man looked at himself in the mirror. He put his hands at both sides of the sink, looking down. He missed the presence of the woman. He got attached to her. At the same time, he had ached for some space. He wanted to get rid of her. She had never been nice to him. She had always mocked him, because of his hair, because of his smile, because of his whole existence. He had never understood why.

All those women, rejecting him, mocking him for who he was. Never had a woman told him he was beautiful, or strong, or cute, or just nice. They all looked down on him. They all told him he was a creep or just ignored him, just like he was a pile of trash. They just did not know him. They did not know what he was capable of. They underestimated him.

He had to do these things. He had to strangle them. He had to push every little bit of air out of their lungs, to feel the same suffocation as the man felt when they rejected him. And he would look into their eyes too, to see the light leave their eyes, to see their last piece of hope crumble, their last desperate scream for life. They wanted him to feel some mercy for them, but all he could do was squeeze. They just made him feel mad, enraged.

They had to stop talking, to stop breathing..

* * *

That evening, the two women of the BAU team were lying in their separate beds in their hotel room.

"Emily?"

"Yes?" She watched the ceiling in the dark. She could not bring herself to sleep yet. And she had the feeling the younger woman could not either.

"Have you ever been in love?" She asked, a little unsure of asking the question.

"Yes, why?" Emily decided to be honest, although she would not be totally honest about whom she actually was in love with.

"I don't mean just a crush or something. I mean, you look at a person, and you just know you could spend the rest of your life with that person. You just know you would love him forever."

"Well, I'm not married. I'm not even in a relationship." Emily answered, biting her lip.

"You're not answering my question." It was quiet for a couple of minutes. Maybe it was longer; Emily did not know. She could never lie to the woman next to her, but she did not want to admit it either. "So, I can conclude he didn't love you back."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's not that simple. Maybe I never told the person I was in love. Besides, it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm married to my job. I don't have time for a relationship. I never got passed the first, maybe second date. It's never more than just one night." She paused. "And I'm okay with it. I can handle it. I can live with it."

"Can you?" JJ shifted in her bed.

"I guess." She bit her cheek. Sure, it would be nice if there was someone to come home to, especially the person in the bed next to hers, but she was accustomed to the idea that she was never going to marry someone. "I've done this my whole life."

"You're only thirty-nine."

"Already thirty-nine." Emily corrected the younger woman.

"But you have like forty years to go. You're not even halfway yet. How can you be so sure?"

"You can't be sure. You can't be sure of anything. That's life." Emily said, closing her eyes. She was glad it was dark, because otherwise the other woman would have noticed she was feeling uncomfortable with the subject. She did not like people interrogating her about her life. She was really secretive.

"True. Nothing is certain." JJ responded. The subject had passed. Emily breathed out in relief. "Still, it's a waste, because you're such a beautiful woman, and you're nice and kind. And you're very protective of the people you love." The brunette grinned in reaction.

"Yeah, right." She chuckled. "Well, let's get some sleep, otherwise we will be two zombies in the morning."

"Good night." JJ said.

"Sleep tight."

Emily would never admit how much those words meant to her..


	4. Chapter 4

"So, if I get you right, you think the unsub strikes women he hates? Like, he knows them?" Prentiss asked. Reid nodded.

"Yes. And it could also explain why the first three victims had public jobs, and the fourth had not. Maybe he got into a conversation with them, and they rejected him or taunted him. He could have been so enraged that he abducted them." He explained, skipping a few steps he had obviously taken in his mind, but did not bother to speak out loud, in Prentiss' opinion.

"So you think he met the fourth one in a public place." She was still confused and left in the dark a little, but she let Reid brain-dive.

"No, I don't think he did. See, the unsub is socially awkward, so he won't talk to people that easily as other people do. He has to get to know them first. A five-minute ride in the subway or bus doesn't work for him like that." Reid frowned as he thought.

"You think he knew her from work, or school?" Prentiss offered as a suggestion. "She really pissed him off, somehow. Did you hear she had even more stings and wounds than the other women?"

"Yes, that's why I think Van Vliet is a more important lead than the other three women." Reid started pondering again, with his head in his hands, staring at the table. They were still at the hotel, and either Reid and Prentiss were early birds. They were both not able to sleep anymore, so they were having an early breakfast. Apparently, it was quite useful, because they had all these new insights.

"Do you think he fell in love with her?" She bit the inside of her cheek. "I mean, it sounds crazy, but I can imagine he would be mad if she turned him down or something. Maybe worse. Only, why was she his fourth victim and not his first?" She frowned in frustration.

"Well, we know he's smart. Maybe he wanted to distract us from his real aim. Or he wanted to practice." He seemed to wander off in the deepest depths of his thoughts, and Prentiss knew he was not going to share any of his ideas for now, until he had found another solid reason. She decided to walk back to her hotel room to check up on her 'roommate'.

* * *

The man was walking down the road. He was not quite comfortable on the streets at daylight when it was busy. But since it was work-time, it was not as busy as usual. He went to the Gap to buy some new clothes. He had to burn some of his clothes, due to the stains that developed itself during the murders. Besides, he did not want any DNA of the victims found on his clothes, so if he was able to clean them, he would probably not be able to clean them that well that the bloodstains would never be found. This was the best solution.

He walked into the store, with his own way of walking. His slender frame, a crooked back and his head bowed a little. His hair sleek, hanging before his eyes. An devilish smirk on his face. Every woman who saw him walking, would have recoiled in horror. He walked through the aisle, between the shelves and eyed the pieces of clothing. He wanted something black. Something dark.

Five minutes later he was standing in front of the mirror, studiously watching himself. Any woman would be scared to face him this way. He combed his hair before his eyes, watching through sleek strands of hair, narrowing his eyes. In the reflection of the mirror, he saw a woman entering his visual range. Probably the saleswoman, he thought. She was handsome, but there was something about her he did not like. There was some arrogance he detested. The way she strutted through the store.

"Can I help you?" She asked, watching the man carefully.

"Actually," The man said quietly, but loud enough to make the woman flinch at the man's voice. "You can."

* * *

Sunken in thoughts, Emily walked up the stairs to the room she shared with the other woman in the BAU team. Without knocking, she walked in, and she knew almost immediately that it was a mistake. The blonde woman had taken a shower and was standing naked in their hotel room. She was drying her hair with a towel when the brunette walked in on her.

"Oh, JJ, I'm - I'm sorry." Emily stumbled over her words, not knowing where to look. She stared at the curves of the other woman. She watched her body being outlined in the light coming out of the window. She was just perfect. Emily's pupils dilated and her hands became sweaty.

 _I'm in so much trouble._ She thought. Not because she saw the younger woman naked at the moment. She was not having any problem with such a thing. She was in trouble, because she was so much in love with the blue-eyed woman. But until now, she at least could not have pictured what she would be like naked. She could have imagined something less perfect. But this, this was just..

She licked her lips. The communications liaison had not moved an inch. "It's okay. I mean, we're both women. There's not much to see, right?" She smiled, before turning around, walking back into the bathroom. Emily finally found her tongue again, immediately being awkwardly aware of the dry piece of flesh. She swallowed a few times and spoke.

"I-I came to pick you up for breakfast." Emily did not know what to do next. She just stood there in the middle of the hotel room. Normally she would be confident, always knowing what to do. But that woman at the other side of the door made her feel so unnerved. She never knew what to do, how to behave around her. She immediately lost all self-confidence when she spoke, or when she smiled.

"I'm ready in a few minutes. Just wait a sec, we can leave together." She bumbled to her bag, half putting on her slacks, half walking. The older woman actually wanted to leave, but she could not figure a way to do that without raising suspicion. "By the way," JJ stopped putting on clothes for a second, standing with a fully-clothed lower part of the body, and an only bra-clad upper part. "I did some thinking.."

_She's probably going to say that she knows about me and my feelings for her. She is going to hate me for it. She will ask for another room. Or maybe not? She didn't become mad when I walked in on her.._

"I'm going to talk to Will about our relationship and how things are going between us. I'm not sure what I'm gonna do, but I want to talk, I guess." She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. "I mean, he has to know that I have serious doubts, doesn't he?"

"That's the least you can do. Otherwise you'll never know what you really think of the whole thing. Considering you  _have_  serious doubts." Emily bit the inside of her cheek again. She really had to break herself of that habit. It made her biting on the same spot over and over again. And people could notice she was nervous. She did not want people to know she was nervous around JJ. She had no right to be nervous. No reason.

* * *

There was a knock on the door. Prentiss turned around to open the door to find Hotch standing in the hallway.

"There's been another abduction." He stepped inside the room. "A early customer noticed the store was left unattended and called the cops. As far as they know, there was no sign of struggle or forced entry, but they have to investigate the crime scene as we speak."

"How do we know for sure it's our guy?" Prentiss asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"We don't, but there's a good chance she is, since she fits the profile. We don't take the chance she isn't one of his victims." Hotch stated. "We meet in the lobby in five."

Five minutes later, they all took place in the black SUVs the precinct of Toledo had arranged for them. They had only three days to save the woman. The unsub was obviously evolving, and it was happening fast. It was only a day ago when he dumped the last body. This man was dangerous, they all knew. They just did not know how dangerous. But Reid had an interesting theory to offer.

"If he really was in love with our fourth victim, he might have felt a sign of remorse, or maybe deprivation. He's looking for new company, but after three days, they are no use for him anymore. They won't fight back anymore, which is what he want. He wants to be fought."

"Why would he want to be fought? He wants control, right? If he is really autistic.." Rossi opposed. Reid stayed quiet for a while, and so did the others.

"Maybe it makes him feel in control." Reid argued. "Maybe he just wants to punish them for whatever they did. There is a chance that it takes three days for a woman to give up. He gets bored and gets rid of the woman."

"This man is a mysterious one. A ghost." Rossi sighed.

"Maybe we have to look at the fourth victim a little closer. It's something Reid said this morning. She was scarred a lot worse than the other three women. This was pure rage, hatred. I strongly suspect he knew the woman personally. Maybe if we take a dive into her life, we get to our unsub." Prentiss suggested, till now the most valuable idea during the case.

"That sounds like a great idea." Hotch responded to the suggestion. "Prentiss, Morgan, JJ and Reid, I want you on the first plane to the Netherlands. Try to get to know as much as possible about our victim. I'll call Garcia to pull as much information on our latest victim. Rossi and I stay here at the precinct. Clear?" Five heads nodded in agreement.

This was going to be a tough and long case..


	5. Chapter 5

Hotch hung up the phone. "There's no footage of the abduction." He said to Rossi, who was standing next to him. "All of their cameras are fake. They're just to scare people, but they don't have money to actually let them work."

"The unsub must have known." Rossi sighed. He looked at his watch. "In two hours, the rest of our team will be at Schiphol, the Netherlands. Maybe they'll find something new. In the meanwhile, when can check on the fourth victim's sister. I don't think we're gonna find anything on the newest."

Hotch nodded. "She's just a victim of opportunity." He walked to the board with all of the information about the victims, and everything they had on the unsub. "It all appears to be random.. But somehow, the unsub is organized."

"So, the abductions are not as random as we may think. Or he wants us to think. He planned this. He takes care of possible video footage, and he abducts the women, without any witnesses." Rossi shared his thoughts on the matter.

"His ultimate goal could have been our fourth victim, Van Vliet." Hotch added.

"Reid said he might have loved her. Maybe she was some sort of object of affection when he was young. And she might have turned him down. Or humiliated him. Something triggered him to abduct her. He might have even moved to the States to stalk her and eventually kill her. He might have been obsessed with the idea of having his way with her. But he is smart and he also thought this through. He knew he would get caught if he didn't plan well. So he chose three other women. Probably picked them, because they don't have ties to each other, and more importantly, not to the unsub." Rossi kept producing new ideas, and Hotch nodded.

They had let the rest of the team know about their new findings. He glanced at his watch. It was only half an hour, when they would land. So they went their way to the sister of Van Vliet, Linda van Vliet.

* * *

"Why are you doing this?" Regina Romany exclaimed. She was strapped to a chair, with her ankles and wrists. She could not move, but she could talk. There was a man at the other side of the chamber, rumbling with what sounded jars. Regina has been the owner of the local Gap of Toledo for years now, and never had she had such a strange customer as today. The man had walked in, sleek hair, a creepy strut. Everything was terrifying about the man. She had not felt comfortable being alone in her store with the man.

Her intuition had warmed her, but she did not listen. A lot of times she had felt uncomfortable around creepy customers, and every time she had been wrong about the men. Or, on occasions, women. But she should have hid herself in the back of the store, like her mind had told her. If she had done that, she would not have been in this position, with this smugly grinning man she did not even know. She had never even seen him before today.

But she knew by the look on his face that this would probably the last face she would see.

* * *

Reid, Morgan, JJ and Prentiss walked through the hallway of the airport. They had just picked up their luggage, when Morgan's cellphone rung. It was Hotch.

"Hey, Hotch. We just touched down." A pause. "Okay, fill me in."

"Emily? Ben jij dat?"  _Emily, is that you?_ They heard in the background. Prentiss turned around and looked into the eyes of someone familiar.

"Suzanne? Ik heb je al in geen eeuwen gezien."  _I haven't seen you in ages._ She walked in her direction and hugged her, followed by three kisses on the cheeks.

JJ eyed the two women from a distance. The hug took a little too long to be distant. And the woman was standing in Emily's personal space. And since when did Emily speak - what she assumed to be - Dutch? They talked for a while, and Emily seemed happy. JJ had not seen her smile like that in a while. The other woman, Suzanne, had blonde hair, brown eyes and her face covered with freckles and was about five feet and six inches tall and about the same age as Emily. JJ had to admit; she was cute.

"Ik ben hier eigenlijk voor een zaak, dus ik moet nu gaan. Maar waarom geef je me niet je nummer, en dan kan ik je bellen als we klaar zijn. We hebben zoveel om bij te praten."  _Actually I'm here for a case, so I have to go now. But why don't you give me your number, and I'll call you when we're done. We got so much to talk about._ Emily smiled, and it was a genuine smile.

"Dat lijkt me leuk."  _That seems nice._  She wrote her number down on a piece of paper and handed it to Emily. The blonde laid her hand on Emily's arm. "Het was goed je weer eens te zien."  _It was good to see you again._  She smiled. "Ik heb je gemist."  _I missed you._

 _"_ Nou, ik moet gaan dus. Ik bel je."  _Well, I have to go now. I'll call you._ Emily ended their conversation. After a last hug, they turned around and went back to their own lives.

"So, who was that?" JJ asked, when Prentiss joined the group again.

"Just a friend of mine." She answered, blushing heavily. Taking into account that the brunette never blushed, JJ thought it was actually cute.

"Just a friend?" She teased, grinning like a Cheshire cat. She was totally taking advantage of the fact that she never saw the woman shying away.

"Yeah, Dutch people are really physical." She was still heavily red, but she was building up her walls again, so it was just a matter of time before her blush faded. Morgan hung up this phone and put it in his pocket.

"So, Hotch and Rossi had some new findings.." He said when he joined the group again. The mood in the group changed immediately as they went back to work.

* * *

Rossi knocked on the door. The older version of their fourth victim opened the door. He flashed his credentials.

"We're here to talk about Marie van Vliet. She's your sister, am I right?" He asked softly.

"Yes, I'm Linda." She extended her hand to shake the men's hands and to invite them in. When they settled down on the couch, each a cup of coffee, they continued their conversation.

"I'm sorry for the inconvenience. We heard you're gonna fly your sister back to the Netherlands this evening, so she can be buried among friends and family." Rossi continued. The woman nodded.

"Yes. We didn't want to fly everyone in to attend to the funeral. Besides, I never had the feeling Marie settled completely in the States. She didn't have many friends, you see." She looked at her feet, as if she regretted taking her little sister to the States. If she had not, she might still be alive.

"It's not your fault. We believe the unsub may be someone she knew from the past." Rossi said, trying to comfort the woman a little with his words. "Did you notice her behavior changed over the past months?"

"No. I don't know. I didn't speak that much to her lately. And when we did, it was not different than any other occasion, I guess." She bit her lip, as if remembering if her sister behaved strangely the last time she saw her. "No, I don't think she was behaving differently. And I think she would have told us if she felt threatened."

"Were there people she talked about when she was in college or high school?" Hotch asked.

"Well, her friends. But besides that, not much. I moved out when she was twelve, thirteen, so I wasn't there a lot. We talked on the phone, and saw each other a few times a year, but that's it." She explained. "You might ask her former friends. They might know something." She added.

"The rest of our team is already in the Netherlands." Hotch explained.

* * *

"Kunt u ons alle informatie over Marie van Vliet geven?"  _Can you give us all of your information about Marie van Vliet?_  She gave some of the murdered woman's information and in a few clicks with the mouse and a few touches on the keyboard, there was all of the information about their lead-victim. They had gotten an English and a Dutch version of her information.

It informed them about the number of years it took her to finish the study, the name of the study, the courses she had been enrolled in, her grades. As far as they knew, she was just really smart, because she passed them all, and all of them with good grades.

"See, their method to grade a student's work is different in the Netherlands. In the States, A is the highest grade, and F the lowest." Reid explained. "In the Dutch system, their tests get scaled, from zero to ten, with ten being the highest. So, when you do fifty percent of the test right, you get a five, and so on. You have to get a six or higher to pass the exam, and therefore to pass the course and receive your credits." He pointed at the piece of paper that said '3EC' or '6EC' in a column after the names of the courses.

"Every EC, meaning European Credit, is worth about twenty-five to thirty hours of studying. You have to earn sixty each year, which makes it hundred and eighty EC for three years of a Bachelor. About sixty percent of the study is mandatory and the rest of the courses is optional, as long as you have the right amount of ECs in the end." He quit rambling.

"Well, I think we know enough. She was really smart. Maybe we should talk about some supervisor Van Vliet talked to." Prentiss offered. "There isn't any on this form. Maybe we should ask again."

She walked back to the information counter and asked about some supervisor their victim talked to. She told Prentiss that she still worked in the building and gave her all of her information. "So her name is Lana van Dongen, and her office is in the same building as this one. She couldn't tell if our victim came there a lot, but every student needs to have an appointment at least twice a year to stay at this university. So I suggest we ask her a few questions. Maybe she knows something."

Ten minutes later they knocked on the door. The woman was on the phone. She was short. She was a blonde, with short hair, but seemed to be cheerful. She waved at the group of profilers to indicate she had seen them. A few minutes later, she hung up and turned herself to face them.

"Kan ik jullie helpen?"  _Can I help you?_ She asked. Prentiss showed her her credentials and explained the situation in Dutch.

"Spreek je Engels?"  _Do you speak English?_  She asked.

"Yes, of course." She said, continuing the conversation in English. "So, why are the FBI here?" She asked with an obviously Dutch accent.

"We're investigating the murder of Marie van Vliet. Does that name ring a bell?" Prentiss demanded, deciding to take the conversation in hands.

"Yes. She studied here for five years. I talked to her a lot about her study. You said murder? What happened?" She looked utterly shocked. Prentiss explained the situation, about Van Vliet's murder and what they where doing there. "Well, can I help you?"

"Yes. Can you tell me if she had a group of friends she was close with? We want to ask them a few questions about their former friend." Prentiss said, assuming the woman would not know if Van Vliet had any enemies.

"Of course. If you just let me look up their names, I'll write them down for you along with their last known addresses." She said, before spinning around on her heels to her computer.


	6. Chapter 6

Jet lag was finally kicking in. It was almost six o'clock in the evening when the part of the BAU team staying over-seas checked in into a hotel. They had not slept that night, because it was six hours earlier in Ohio than in the Netherlands, so when they arrived that morning, the sun had already risen. They were used to a little amount of sleep, but they were tired and needed to eat. They took two rooms next to each other, so they could visit each other easily. They dropped off their luggage and decided to eat in the hotel-restaurant. They ordered their meals and waited.

"Have you guys been in the Netherlands before?" Morgan asked the rest of them. Reid and JJ shook their heads, but Prentiss nodded.

"I've been in the Netherlands for about a year." She explained.

"What were you doing?" Morgan asked.

"Well, it was soon after college. I didn't exactly know what to do. And I had lived in half of Europe already. So I decided to move to the Netherlands, which was great, actually." She said.

"Still doesn't answer my question." Morgan teased, nudging Prentiss' side.

"I was young." She flushed crimson. "That's all I say." She grabbed her glass of water and sipped from it, dismissing the subject. JJ eyed her, narrowing her eyes, but she did not say a word.

They discussed the case, before following their discussing with some chatter, laughter and drinks. It was little past nine when they went upstairs again. Tomorrow they would visit the friends of their victim to ask them questions.

* * *

JJ and Emily went to their room and Reid and Morgan to theirs. Emily was just unbuttoning her shirt, when JJ decided it was time to talk.

"So, who was that woman?" She was right behind her, so when Emily turned around, she looked right into JJ's eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes, that seemed to look right through her. She was awkwardly aware of the fact that her shirt was now hanging half-open and JJ was only inches away from her. She could feel her breath on her face. Emily closed her eyes.

"I'm not going to get away with 'Dutch habits', am I?" She said, opening her eyes again, hoping that JJ would drop the subject.

"No. Unless you really don't want to talk about it, but.." The blonde-haired woman sighed. "I thought you trusted me."

"Alright." The brunette exhaled, averting her gaze, looking at her toes now. "Well, we dated." She said eventually.

The younger woman tilted her head a little to look into Emily's eyes, but she kept looking away. "Are you..?" JJ asked.

"I'm bisexual, if that's what you mean." Emily reacted. She was almost sure that was not what JJ meant by her question.

"I thought you trusted me." JJ muttered, a little offended by the fact that Emily never told her she was bisexual.

"I do, really. It's just.." She paused a moment to take a deep breath and looked up into blue eyes. "I never told anybody. Apart from my former lovers, nobody knows I'm bisexual. I never even told my friends or family. It's just that people are being weird about it. They always assume you can't choose, or you just want to swing for both sides and cheat a lot. I don't want those discussions. Besides, it doesn't concern them. They don't have to know."

JJ mouthed an 'O' and sighed. "I'm flattered, then."

"Well, you're the first to ask that directly. And I can't lie to you."  _I really can't._  She sighed again. "So, if you don't mind.. Do you want to keep it to yourself? It's none of anyone's business." The other woman nodded slowly in response. Emily's muscles were still tense, but she started to feel a little relaxed again, but her face was flushed, she could tell. She turned around to continue undressing. When she finally managed to put on her over-sized T-shirt, she turned around, and noticed JJ had not moved. She seemed to be pondering about something.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Emily asked JJ, a little concerned. Maybe she scared her. Her concern making way for an unnerving feeling again. Had she just called the other woman 'sweetie'?

She shook her head. "Nothing. I was just wondering.." Apparently the other woman was not thinking anything about it, so Emily decided to dismiss her concern towards her newest nickname. But not her concern towards JJ's pondering.

"No, just tell me. You scare me." Emily tried to force a smile, but she was truly terrified that she had shocked the younger woman. She just hoped that she did not find out about her feelings for her.

"No.. No, don't be." She sucked her lower lip between her teeth. "When I was a teenager, I wondered what it would be like with a woman. I never tried. It was just not-done in my family and my friends were against it, and just.. You know."

"Are you up to something?" Emily narrowed her eyes, eyeing her suspiciously. She was still awkwardly aware of the fact that she was wearing a too small amount of clothes.

"Oh, no." JJ said, rather fast. She flushed bright crimson.

"Are you okay with this whole thing?" The brunette asked, a little concerned. She did not want this to affect their friendship.

"Yeah, of course. You haven't changed. You always were this way. You just hadn't told." JJ waived the older woman's apprehension. "Can I ask.. how did you keep it a secret for so long? I mean.. You must have been craving to tell  _someone_ , right?" She frowned, putting her hands on her hips.

"I don't know.. I mean, at first when I was young, it was a big deal. I felt so guilty about not telling people. But I never lied about it. I never told someone I was straight. I never denied I was bisexual. I just never answered. And I never speak of 'him' or 'her' when talking about dates. I just tell about 'my date' and 'the person' and so on." Emily admitted. "Even when I'm dating a guy."

"I still don't understand how you can keep up with it. You played a part in a play that's called your life." JJ bit her lip as she said. "Someone would explode, keeping a secret like this?"

"Well, my mother being an ambassador means having a lot of secrets. I kind of grew up with it." She rolled her eyes. "Probably the reason everyone thinks I never flinch when I see photos of victims."

"Yeah, I guess." JJ sounded a little absent-mindedly.

"We don't have to talk about this." Honestly, Emily did not want to talk about it. It made her feel uncomfortable. Especially because JJ was with Will and already had to decide whether or not to choose to be with him. This made it all a little more painful to Emily than it already was. To tell the object of her affection about the second last thing she ever wanted to tell. And it was just about sure that JJ was not bisexual. She just admitted she never even kissed a woman.  _But she was curious._

"If you don't want to.." JJ trailed off. Apparently she wanted to talk about it, but when she noticed it made Emily feel uncomfortable, she decided it was better to talk about something less charged.

* * *

Regina was still tied to the chair. She guessed she was only a few hours in the house, but it could have been a lot longer. It could also have been a lot shorter. She did not know. She had no awareness of time left. The man had not visited her since the first time. He had just taken off. She kind of hoped he was not coming back, although she also did not like the feeling of starving to death. She did not want to end up strapped on a chair, in her own pee and shit. She was thinking about her fiance. He was probably worried sick.

She wondered if the police were already looking for her. Perhaps she had a chance of survival. Maybe she should just hope and pray, although she did not really believe in such a thing. She heard the door opening again, followed by footsteps. The man was walking slowly, as if he was enjoying the fact that Regina's muscles tensed at the noise. When he entered her sight, she saw he was holding a jar. A wasp buzzed. She hated wasps. She had a rational fear of them.

The man unscrewed the jar and turned it upside-down, placing it on her abdomen, after rolling up her shirt. It did not take long when the wasp stung. And again. And again. It hurt like hell, but Regina was accustomed to pain, so she could handle it. The problem was a little different than that. She blinked a few times. Her sight was getting blurry and her eyes were a little teary. She also noticed her breathing became harder. She rasped a little and she felt like suffocating. It was only a matter of time when she started throwing up. The man did not seem too happy. Regina knew what this meant.

This meant her chances of survival were just reduced to zero.

* * *

Morgan rang the doorbell of the second house they visited. An hour ago, they were at the house of one of the names of the list they got at the university. It turned out Pieter Baan did not live with his parents anymore. Well, that was kind of logical, but they had to ask them for his address. They did not know. The access to information was not easy to get when you were not from the Netherlands yourself. But hear they were, at mister Baan's home, hoping he would remember something.

"Hai, kan ik u helpen?"  _Hi, can I help you?_ He asked. A blonde handsome guy, wearing shirts, tucked in his jeans. He appeared to be nonchalant.

"Hi, we're from the FBI. Can we ask some questions in English?" Prentiss asked, in case he wanted to answer in Dutch again.

"That's okay. Come in." They stepped in a pretty big apartment. He was probably living with a woman, Prentiss noticed from her profiling skills. The condo was clean and tidy. "So, what do you want to talk about?" He asked, when they sat down on the couch and on some seats, settled with coffee.

"Can you confirm your friendship with Marie van Vliet?" Reid asked.

"Yes, we went to university for three years together. We were friends." He said, smiling. "Why, is something wrong? I mean, you're FBI.."

"She's been murdered, four days ago." Morgan said. Baan covered his mouth with his hand. He was clearly in shock.

"Oh my god." He muttered. "What do you want from me? How can I help?"

"We want to know some things about her past. We have reason to assume the unsub is one of the people she knew in university. Did she have any enemies?" Prentiss asked, frowning. She had the idea they were onto something. This guy knew about her enemies.

"Yes. There was this one guy.. We all disliked him, but she just hated him. He was creepy though." He told, closing his eyes. He was trying to remember the name of the guy. "I guess his name was Fons Stevens. He was also on mathematics, and really smart, but also weird. A little autistic, maybe."

"Thanks. I have to make a phone call." JJ said, turning around, dialing the number of the unit chief.

"Hotch, we have a name. Fons Stevens. Stevens with a 'V'. He was also in the university, and as far as we know, he fits the profile." JJ told Hotch through the phone.

"I'll ask Garcia to find as much as she can.. And thanks." Hotch hurried before hanging up again.


	7. Chapter 7

They walked out of Pieter Baan's apartment, over-thinking their next step. If this was their unsub, they were practically done. But what if the man was not in the system anymore?

"Okay, I suggest we go back to the hotel, catch a few hours of sleep again, or just eat a bit. We have to wait for a phone call for new instructions. Maybe they need us here." Morgan said.

Half an hour later, they were in their hotel rooms, relaxing a bit. Prentiss wondered if maybe they had to interrogate more old friends of Van Vliet. Maybe one was not enough. JJ was lying on the bed, sleeping. She had not said a lot of words after Emily confessed to her she was bisexual. She wondered why. She sincerely did not hope she had chased the woman away, but she could not be sure. Maybe she was just tired.

Another half an hour later, the phone rang. Prentiss notified Reid and Morgan before picking up.

"Hey, Garcia, you're on speaker." She said when she answered the phone.

"Hi, everybody. Well, your guy. I couldn't find anything about him. His name isn't in our system. But it is possible he has another name. So I hacked into some Dutch databases.. and in the Netherlands he's untraceable too. There are no records, nor bills, nor taxes. It's just like he doesn't exist. So I hacked into the university of Leiden's database. And I found his name and other information. And it is right he studied there. But then I did some research. See, every Dutch citizen has his own BSN, that's a number you get assigned to when you're born. Every citizen's BSN is unique.

Well, now the truth comes out. I did some research about BSN, and it turns out that number should satisfy a few rules. For example. it has to be made up of nine numbers. And that's true. But it also has to satisfy a check digit, and that's where it fails. You have to add up the numbers in a specific way, and the result has to be a multiple of eleven. So I checked, and the sum is not a multiple of eleven. Which means that his number is fake."

"So, his ID is fake." Morgan concluded.

"Well, at least his known information in university." JJ said.

"Can you run his university photo through your system?" Prentiss asked.

"I'm already doing that. I cross-referenced with Dutch from origin and his estimated age." She said. They heard her rattle on the keys of her keyboard. "But that can take a while."

"Okay, thanks baby girl." Morgan said, ending the conversation. Prentiss hung up again.

"So, we've got a ghost. At least we know what he looks like." Reid said.

"What if we take a visit at his former friends at the university? Maybe they know something about his movements and whereabouts after graduation." Prentiss suggested.

* * *

Regina's head felt heavy. She could not hold it up anymore. She felt terrible. She felt like fainting all the time. The man who was keeping her hostage had left the room. He was away for a few hours now. She did not know how much time she had left, but she felt like dying already. She just wanted to lie down, but she was still strapped tightly in the chair. She thought about her fiancé. She pictured his face in her mind, but he kept fading away. Her mind was foggy.

The venom of the wasp streamed through her veins. She knew it was only a matter of time her heart stopped, but she kept hoping someone would come for her. She kept hoping her fiancé would save her. Her knight in shiny armor. She thought of the moment they met. She was sorting out a few stacks of clothes in her store, standing on a ladder, when she fell down, breaking her leg and wrist. She could not get up, but her then unknown fiancé, Jared, had offered his help immediately.

When he noticed she was not able to stand, he had picked her up, bringing her to his car. He drove her to the hospital and stayed there the rest of the day with her. They had talked about their lives and when she was released from the hospital, he asked her out. At first, she had declined, because the time was not right, but he kept asking, kept hoping the time would be right someday. When she had finally said yes, they started dating. He was very gentle and nice. She wanted to take things slow, and he understood. Somehow, they fell in love with each other, and after a year of dating, they took a leap of faith and moved in together.

Another year later, he went down on one knee, and asked her those magic words: 'Will you marry me?'. And of course, she had said yes. And they were planning on having kids. And now she was not going to get that chance. Now she was widowing the man she wanted to marry. The man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

Well, she actually got to spend the rest of her life with him, but that 'rest' was just too short. She should have become old and grey-haired, along with her husband, enjoying their children and grandchildren. She wanted her chance of messing it up, trying to make it okay again. That was life. Trying the best you can.

So this was what dying was like. Thinking of all the things you did in life. Thinking of all the things you missed out on. Trying to relive your life in those last hours, those last minutes, and eventually, those last seconds. As if her heart just knew, it started beating a lot faster, trying to beat all its heartbeats left in those last minutes.

The signs were showing that her body was already giving up.

* * *

"Do you know what I think is odd?" Reid said again, looking up after a long moment of silence. They were sitting in the little coffee shop on the first floor of the hotel. "Why would he use a fake-ID to join the university? I mean, he didn't know our victim before, right?"

"Actually, none of the people we talked to said such a thing. But it's weird, because if our victim knew the unsub before, she had known his real name. That must have rang a bell, doesn't it?" Prentiss said.

This afternoon, they visited a few of Stevens' old friends. They had no idea what happened with him after graduation. They had lost all contact. All they knew about the guy was that he wanted to be teacher. But outside of homework and mathematics, they really did not talk about personal stuff. They did not know where he lived, they had never visited him outside of college, they did not know if he had any siblings, or his parents names. They did not know about his hobbies, or if he dated.

They did not know a thing about this unsub. But the fact that they knew so little of him, made them almost sure this had to be the unsub. The fact that he was practically invisible could not be just a coincidence.

Morgan startled when his phone went off. He picked up. "It's Hotch."

After a quick conversation he told the other three agents that the missing Gap owner had been found. Dead.

"But.. it's been only two days." JJ muttered.

"She had only a few stings in her stomach. She suffered from an anaphylactic shock." Morgan responded. He was clearly a little shocked to get a confirmation that people actually die of wasp stings. "Let's hope this startled him enough to make him stop."

It was already eleven in the evening, but Emily did not feel like going to sleep. They were so close, but so far to catching this guy. They knew his name, but somehow it turned out to be a fake one. This man was just a psychopath, and the more she thought of it, the more she hated him. At first, she had thought he was humiliated or something, but this guy was just cruel and mean. He had planned this all along. He had planned this before he started to study. And she wanted to find out what had driven him to do this. What did that girl do to deserve this? And the better question: why did he go on with other, innocent women, before and after her?

She ordered a shot of vodka, when Morgan spoke. "I'm going to bed, guys. See you tomorrow."

"Actually, I'm going with you." Reid added.

"Ooh, our two guys are going together. Sexy." JJ grinned. Reid shot her a death glare. "Hey, you know I don't mean it, Spence." She gave him a bittersweet smile. When the two men left, she turned to Emily. "And what sorrows are you drowning?" She fiddled with the straw of her own drink, eyeing the dark-haired woman.

"Oh, nothing. Just thinking about the case. I think we're doing something wrong." She bit her lip as she said. She downed her drink all at once and ordered another one.

"Nah, I just think he is smart. And a few steps ahead of us. We'll catch him." She tilted her head to get a better look at the other woman. "So tell me. What's bothering you so much?"

"I just told you." Emily said, but she did not seem convincing to the blonde. JJ laid her hand on Emily's. Her muscles tensed in response. Soft skin touching hers. She just wanted to take that hand, dragging her upstairs to their room, but she knew she could not do that. She knew she would never be able to do that. JJ was with Will. And when she would not be, she would never be with Emily. Emily was not good enough for the blonde. Besides, JJ had admitted that she never kissed a girl.  _But she wanted to._

"Let's go upstairs." JJ said. "I think you shouldn't be drinking anymore vodka." She took the glass out of Emily's other hand and set it down on the table between them. "Come on." She softly forced the brunette to stand up. Another five minutes later they were in the elevator. Emily surprised herself, because she was not nearly as drunk as she thought. Although her brain worked a little slower than normal.

When they walked into the room, Emily sat down on her bed. "What did you mean when you said you wondered what it would be like with a woman?"

That question unsettled JJ. She did not expect this from a drunk Emily. Or maybe she was not that drunk. She sounded steady. She walked steadily. That woman could hold her liquor. JJ walked to the bed and sat down next to the brunette, far enough not to violate her personal space. "Well, you know, when you're a teenager, you wonder things. You imagine things. One of the things I imagined was kissing a girl. But like I said. I never did. It was not-done."

"Why didn't you do it in secrecy?" Emily asked, looking deeply into the other woman's eyes. She just wanted to drown in those blue eyes, right there, right then.

"I never had the chance.." She trailed off. "I never met someone I wanted to do that with.." She shifted a little in the brunette's direction, now entering her personal space. But Emily did not flinch. She had dreamed of this since she walked into the BAU. Since she met the blonde. The woman that haunted her dreams, more than she would ever admit. She was now only inches away from the younger woman. She could feel her warmth, breathe in her scent.

She closed her eyes for only a moment, when she felt soft lips brushing hers. Her stomach fluttered in her abdomen, like a teenage girl getting her first kiss by her crush. She felt like flying for only a moment, until the warmth of JJ's lips was gone again. She opened her eyes, slowly. The blonde pulled away, flushed bright red, avoiding Emily's gaze.

"I'm sorry.. I didn't.. mean to." JJ muttered. "I'm sorry, that was totally inappropriate."

"It's okay, JJ." Emily said. "Did it exceed expectations?" She smiled, trying to ease the tension.

"Your lips are softer than a man's." She said promptly. "But well.. this one wasn't a real kiss, you know."

"Felt real to me." Emily grinned.

"You know what I mean." She bit her lip. She was really cute when she did that, in Emily's opinion. She was still flushed. "Can I..? Shoot, I shouldn't ask this. This is so wrong." She muttered, turning her head away. She shook her head and stood up, pacing up and down the room.

"JJ." Emily tried to intervene, but JJ did not stop rambling.

"I shouldn't be doing this.. Just because I know you're bisexual.. I shouldn't be doing this."

"JJ!" The brunette tried again, but she kept rambling about how wrong this was. How wrong it was of her to kiss her like that. Guided by the alcohol, but even more so by the irresistible urge that was consuming her, she found herself kissing the blonde again, stopping the rambling and the pacing. This one was more urgent, but also passionate. The blonde wrapped her arms around the brunette and pulled her closer. The younger woman's body fit just perfectly against the older woman's.

It felt so wrong, but so right. But the brunette did not think about the feelings she cherished for the blonde. She did not think of anything, as she drowned herself in a battle of tongues, running hands through each other's hair and holding one's breath the longest.


	8. Chapter 8

Their kisses grew more needy, more passionate, as JJ pulled Emily closer, tucking her hands in the brunette's back pockets. Emily tangled her fingers in the blonde's hair, softly raking her scalp with her nails. JJ pulled the other woman with her to the bed, freeing her hands from her pockets. She trailed up her fingers across the arms of the other woman. She hooked her fingers under the fabric of her jacket, and slowly slid off the piece of clothes, until it fell on the ground.

Emily locked eyes with JJ, checking on the younger woman. She wanted to be sure JJ would not regret it, but when she looked into those blue eyes, she only saw desire. Her pupils were so dilated, her eyes were almost dark instead of blue. The younger woman moved her hands from Emily's arms to the buttons of her shirt, and started to push the buttons through their loops. Normally, Emily would have been the dominant one, but this time it was different. When her shirt was unbuttoned, JJ pushed those down, next to the jacket.

Emily started a trail of kisses to JJ's neck, licking and sucking her pulse point, as the blonde's hands ran across her back, nails scratching skin. The brunette took the lead again, and pushed JJ softly towards the bed, while she hooked her fingers behind the hem of JJ's shirt, slowly pulling it off. When they were at the edge of the bed, Emily slid her hands across JJ's sides, slowly lowering herself on her knees, until her fingers reached the hem of JJ's slacks. She looked up one last time, locking eyes with blue ones, but her face spoke volumes, her lower lip tugged between her teeth, her breathing unsteady and shallow.

Slowly, tooth by tooth, she opened the zipper, revealing the lacy fabric of her undergarments. She took off the blonde's shoes and socks, followed by her slacks, leaving her in her underwear.

"Kiss me." JJ breathed, barely audible. Emily got on her feet again, and brushed her lips against JJ's, softly tugging her lower lip between hers, gently sucking on it. Tongues met again, tangling and brushing. Little by little, the rest of their clothes found their place on the ground, and somehow Emily and JJ ended up in bed together, JJ laying on her back, and Emily straddling her thighs.

"Emily?" She heard her name coming from far away. Her eyes shot open and she looked into a pair of blue eyes. She was a little shocked of the idea that she only dreamed all of this. Well, not all of it. They had kissed, but after a while they had been going to sleep in their separate beds. They had not spoken a word about it, but frankly, Emily did not want to. She did not want to tell the blonde about her real feelings for the blonde. She did not want to talk about the meaning. She knew the blonde was only experimenting.

"Emily, are you okay? You're flushed, and you feel warm." She laid her hand on the brunette's forehead. She fought the urge not to lean into her hand.

"I'm okay. Just a dream." She mumbled. She did not want to lie, but she did not want to tell the truth either. She just wanted to go back to sleep. But honestly, she was a little scared that her dream would take off where it left her. She wanted to sort out her thoughts. She wanted to figure out what to do. Her life was a mess right now. She should not have kissed JJ. She knew it would wake something inside her. Deeper feelings than she already cherished for the blonde.

"You don't seem fine. You don't want to talk about it?" JJ seemed concerned. She laid her hand on the brunette's arm, stroking bare skin with her thumb. She felt said skin tingle in response. She was still turned on because of the dream. She needed a cold shower, but it would be a little strange if she actually did right now. It was the middle of the night. JJ would think things of it, and that was just the thing she wanted to avoid. She did not want her to think things. She did not want her to find out how she felt about her, how she thought about her relationship with Will.

Will was a good person, Emily thought. But a relationship was not only about being good for each other. To make it work, you need to love each other. You need to be each other's best friend, each other's person. You had to trust each other completely, you had to be able to tell each other everything, without being afraid of the consequences. The fact that JJ questioned her affection for Will said something, but the fact that JJ had kissed her this night spoke volumes. Emily wondered if Will had crossed her mind, when she stuck her tongue down Emily's throat. She doubted it.

"Emily? Just tell me. You're totally freaking me out." JJ said, shaking her arm a little, trying to force Emily into locking eyes with her, but she did not. She just kept watching into the darkness behind her. She felt sick to the stomach. She just wanted to leave that room, walking away from everything, from the room, from JJ, from herself.. She was just a liar. She thought of that one quote: 'The minute people fall in love, they become liars.'

That was exactly what she had become.

* * *

The next morning Hotch called early. Well, to the four unit members situated in the Netherlands it was early. To him it was late. Half past five in the morning in the Netherlands meant half past eleven in Ohio.

"Your airplane leaves in two hours. We need all hands on deck in Ohio when we find something. You've done everything you could in the Netherlands." He stated, as a matter of fact.

"You don't think we will be needed here?" Prentiss asked, frowning. Actually it did make sense. None of the people of his past knew anything.

"We arranged things with the Dutch police. They will help if needed. For now, you're not needed right there. We really need you over here. I see you in eleven hours." He hung up again.

"Do you think he ever sleeps?" Morgan asked. The other shook their heads.

"Well, let's pack our stuff and eat something before we leave."

* * *

Eleven hours later, they were back in Ohio. It was almost noon when they arrived at the police department of Toledo. So far, there were no missing persons filed in the last days, but for all they knew, his next victim could have been someone out of his comfort zone. Garcia had not found the unsub either, but there was still hope. They hoped he had some remorse, and took a break of killing those women, so they would have a little more time to find him. It was almost three in the afternoon, when Garcia called.

"Sir, I have found someone matching the photo of Stevens. His name is Julian Peters. I'll send you his last known address." She said to Hotch.

"Well done, Garcia." He said, before she hung up again. "Let's go." He grabbed his stuff, and so did the others. They headed to their cars to face their unsub.

Fifteen minutes later, they arrived at his house. It was not big, but it was not small either. It looked like a normal house, just one you would expect from some office manager and his lovely wife and two kids. But this time they knew it was not property of a family. They knew it was property of a monster. The kind of monster the two said kids would fear, the kind of monster they had nightmares about, the kind of monster they wanted their parents to check out every evening before falling asleep.

They covered all doors, when they barged into the house. When they cleared it, they saw nothing but a abandoned house. Prentiss walked towards the table, running a finger across it. It was not dirty.

"Well, he's clearly been here. Or somebody has." She concluded.

"He knew we were coming." JJ breathed.

"How do you know that?" Morgan asked.

"He left in a hurry. I saw his toothbrush in the bathroom. Unless he has two, but I think he has left in a hurry." She said, frowning.

"But how did he knew we would come?" Reid asked.

"That's ours to find out." Hotch said.


	9. Chapter 9

**Two days earlier**

"Hey. They are looking for you." A voice with a familiar accent sounded from the other end of the phone line. The voice was just a whisper.

"What do you mean, they're looking for me? How do they know?" The voice belonging to Julian Peters sounded, more panicked than he wanted.

"The FBI. They asked some questions about you. I lied. I told them I didn't know anything. But they're looking for you. You have to hide." The voice sounded worried, concerned. The person on the other side of the line cared about the man.

"They won't find me. They don't know my name."

"You don't know what they're capable of. They tracked you down. I assure you." The voice grew more panicked, as if the person wanted to protect the man. "Please, hide. Go away from where you are. Hide, and don't move."

There was a long silence at the other side of the line. They both did not speak for a couple of seconds, minutes maybe.

"Okay. I will hide." He decided. "But only because I love you."

"I love you too. I'm just worried, okay? Just hide."

* * *

**Back to the present**

"Someone must have tipped him off, told him we were looking for him." Prentiss said.

"That would be the only explanation." Morgan added.

"Who knows we're investigating these murders?" Hotch asked, looking for the rest. "We only talked to the sister, but it's not legitimate that she told our unsub that we were looking for him."

"So it must be one of our people questioned." Reid concluded. "But that doesn't make sense, because none of them knew him for real." He narrowed his eyes, frowning, pondering. "Unless.. One of them lied. Of course."

"Who would do something like that?" Morgan asked.

"I'll call Garcia. Ask if she can pull up any phone records to the States of the people we interrogated." JJ said, before she walked away to make said phone call.

Prentiss thought of the people they had asked questions in the Netherlands. She tried to remember when her gut told her someone was not talking the truth, who had been lying. They were all very weird, but she had that behavior attributed to the fact that they were all a little autistic, if not really autistic at all. They all had in common that they avoided eye contact, but she figured that was just something mathematicians do.

A few hours later, Garcia called again, JJ putting her on speaker phone.

"Well, I checked all phone records of the people you questioned, and none of them made a phone call to the States. So I tried Stevens' phone, and he had an incoming call from the Netherlands two days ago. So I tracked that one down, but it belongs to a payphone."

"Did you f-.." Morgan started, but Garcia cut him off.

"The payphone is at least a mile from all of the houses of your persons questioned. This one knew what he was doing." Garcia said.

"Or she." Morgan added.

"Yeah, right, so I checked if some of them had purchased any tickets to the States the last months, and two of them did. But one of them went to California, with his parents. And the other went to New York by himself." She said.

"What's the latter's name?" JJ asked.

"Pieter Baan." Garcia said.

"That doesn't make sense. He was a friend of Van Vliet's." Morgan frowned.

"Maybe they'd gotten into a fight, or something." Prentiss suggested.

"Garcia, can you find out some things about Stevens' youth?" Hotch asked.

"I'm on it. Garcia out." And the line went dead.

"So, we've got nothing." Reid concluded. "Pieter Baan doesn't fit our profile, so we can rule him out." He paused, trailing off in thoughts again. "There must be something we've missed." He mumbled, looking at the photos, and the rest of the information they had. "Stevens grows up in the Netherlands, and changes his name as soon as he goes to the university. There must have been a reason. After, he moves to the same state as our fourth victim. And he knows about our investigation, and runs. I highly doubt he changed his name and moved to the States for two different reasons."

"We have to dig in his youth. We have to find out what made him change his name." Hotch stated.

They were sharing thoughts on the case, when JJ heard a familiar voice behind her. "JJ!" She turned around, and faced her boyfriend.

"Will, what are you doing here?" She knew she did not sound very enthusiastic, but that was how she felt. She was not enthusiastic.

"I thought I'd visit my lovely girlfriend." He grinned as he walked towards her, kissing her on her lips, which cut Emily to the quick. She had not liked them together before, but since they had kissed the night prior, she had become even more jealous than at first. And she hated that she was jealous, because that was a feeling she would do anything for to suppress. But she just could not. She felt guilty though, although she knew it took two persons to kiss. And JJ had not felt anything, had she?

"Will, I'm working on a case." JJ said, a little indignant. She did not want the Southern cop here. She felt a little ashamed of what she did last night. She betrayed the man. She betrayed his trust. Although, she did not feel guilty. And that made it even worse. Did she really doubt her love for this man? Did she really think she did not want to be with this man? Raise a child together? Her eyes caught a certain brunette at the other side of the table, but she could not read her mind. The walls around her did not let her through.

But this time, she did not have to. She knew how the older BAU member thought about her relationship with Will. She had not downright admit it, but she did not approve. JJ could see that. She did not approve of Will. Or did she approve of Will, but just not her relationship with him? Not the fact that she was having his baby? And if that was true, why would she not tell her? Even better, why would she not approve? The two of them had been friends for a year or so, but it was not that they were best friends.

But yet, she asked her about her relationship, and in return Emily had told her she was bisexual, so apparently, there was this kind of bond of trust. She did not know what that meant. Friends mostly did not kiss.  _But this was just for experimentation, right?_  JJ thought. She had always wondered what it would be like, and Emily was just there at the right time. Or the wrong time, depending on the point of view. But she did not trust herself in this. She had liked it more than she should have.

When she was a teenager, she had more than once felt something for female friends of hers, but she had just thought it was friendship. She had thought that was normal when you were close. And she dated guys, handsome guys. And she kept telling herself it was the guys she liked; not her friends. Not the cute girl next door. And not some girl that asked her out when she was in some club. She had never tried something with a girl, because she thought she was straight. Or actually,  _supposed to be_  straight.

Some part of her kept telling her no, but she always suppressed that feeling. She had learnt to live with the fact that she dated guys, although she thought women were much more attractive to her. But it always felt that something had been missing. She could love a man, but not like a lover. More like a brother, or a good friend. Never more. That was probably why she had never been in long-term relationships, until she met Will. The man she had been seeing for over a year and a half now. The man whose baby she carried.

The distance had made her stay with him. She was not smothered by his presence. The biggest of time, he stayed in New Orleans, and she would be wherever she were. That worked for her. The thought of him living with her made her want to flee, run away as far as she could. She would fly to another continent, if that made her problems go away, but she could not. She could not hurt the man. Somehow, she had the decency to stay with him, for him. She did not want to break the man's heart. And she did not want to break the heart of their unborn child.

"JJ, what's wrong with you? I've been talking to you, and you're just ignoring me." Will squeezed JJ's hand to draw her attention. She snapped up from her thoughts.

"What?"

"Why are you so absent-minded?" Will asked her, looking into her eyes. She could not lie to him. She could not. But she could not tell him the truth either. She could not tell her she was worrying about her relationship with him. Not in front of her colleagues, her family. In the corner of her eye, she saw Emily eyeing her, as if she was assessing the situation.

"We have a hard case." Emily said. "Little sleep, long hours." Emily noticed Morgan eyeing her suspiciously. This case had not been harder than others, or particularity difficult in any other way, than the fact that they could not find the unsub.

"Yeah, I guess I'm just tired." JJ took up the lie, sighing, trying to feign fatigue. She got on her feet to make her statement.

"Hey, but I have a room in a hotel a few blocks away. Aren't you coming with me?" Will asked, frowning, and a little disappointed.

"But all my stuff is upstairs." JJ uttered, not wanting to come with the man. She did not want to be in his presence. Not when she had so much to think about. She just did want to be in the same room with him, alone, not without Emily.  _Wait, what?_  She thought. Well, it was only logical to think this way. Emily was her friend, who just helped her out of a situation, she did not want to confront.

"I'll get them. You just wait here." Will suggested, averting his gaze of his girlfriend, and facing the brunette. "Can you show me your room?" He just assumed that they were sharing a room. Emily did not want to, but she owed to the man, so she nodded, rising to her feet herself. From the corner of her eye, she saw JJ eyeing her concerned. She wanted to join the twosome, in all their awkwardness, but she could not tell to go with them, because that would raise suspicions with the Southern man. So Emily found herself walking the man upstairs, mostly in silence.

 _If only he knew._  She thought.  _If only he knew he was walking the woman who kissed his girlfriend last night, to the room where the whole thing had taken place. He would kill me if he knew. He loves her. He truly does. And JJ chose Will. It would not be fair to him to let JJ cheat on him. He did not deserve this._  She felt sick to the stomach. She felt so guilty for letting the blonde kissing her. Not only in her favor, but also in his. She could not lock out her dreams about the blonde, and the man next to her deserved to be treated better than this.

She had to talk to JJ.


	10. Chapter 10

An hour later JJ and Will were in their hotel room, Will already lying in bed; JJ making herself ready to go to bed. She was in the bathroom, putting her hands on both sides of the sink, looking down at some water drops, slowly trailing off to the drain. She secretly hoped Will would have been asleep when she left the bathroom, but when she turned off the lights, and walked to the bed, he was still waiting for her. She situated herself next to him, and he snuggled into her back. His hand glided down to her abdomen, the warmth spreading on her skin. JJ closed her eyes. Not because she enjoyed the touch, but she tried to hold back her tears. She was lying to the man next to her.

"I'm so happy." He kissed her head. "And I'm so grateful we got the chance to start a family." Those words stung JJ. The guilt she felt; she could not lie to this man. That would be so cruel. This man, who would do anything to make her happy. This man, who was offering to quit his job to raise their child. This man, who loved her.

"Will." She whispered, as tears clung to her eyes. She was fighting to hold them back, but she just could not.

"What's wrong?" He turned the blonde around, facing him. He looked concerned, his eyes like a lost puppy's.

"I.." JJ started, closing her eyes again. "I kissed Emily last night." She might as well would have struck him with a hammer, because his face looked like she did. She had kicked the lost puppy.

"What?" He distanced himself a little from JJ, furrowing his brows. "You did what?"

"I'm so sorry." JJ said, sitting up, as did Will.

"Why?" He asked bluntly. "What did I do wrong?" A few tears escaped her eyes, running across her cheeks.

"You did nothing wrong." She exhaled. "I did."

"JJ.. You have to be honest with me." He spoke clearly, his eyes telling her nothing but sadness. "Do you love me?" The lack of an answer told him enough. "Have you ever loved me?" His jaw wrinkled a little as he asked.

"Like a brother." She looked him in the eyes. Those empty eyes. They just stared back, like they stared into nothing. And that was partly true, because she felt like a nothing right now. She felt like she had betrayed him, and she had.

"Why haven't you told me before?" He asked, still with that empty gaze on his face. She bit her lip.

"I didn't know." She exhaled. "I don't know what real love feels like." Did she see pity on his face?

"How did you find out?"  _Another question she could not answer._ But her face spoke volumes. "And now?"

"I don't know." She sighed. She stroked her abdomen with her thumb. For the first time she told him she kissed Emily he touched her. He laid his hand on JJ's.

"We'll make it work." Emptiness had been replaced by hurt, she could see it in his eyes, in the way his jaw wrinkled as he talked.

"I never meant to hurt you." JJ bit her lip. "I tried to make it work."

"I know you won't just give up on something, on someone." He said, squeezing her hand softly before taking it back again. They sat on the bed, just staring into nothing, doing nothing, both of them not knowing how to make their first move. Both of them not knowing what to say. "I think you should go." She looked up in his eyes. The devastation she saw in them made her heart crumble. He did not even scream. He did not yell. But his calmness was far worse than anger. At this moment, she thought she would die, only because of guilt. It slowly ate its way through her body, making every inch of her body ache. She could not move.

* * *

Emily had just left the bar in the hotel, and was now lying on her back on the bed. She had not even bothered to take her clothes off. She just plumped down like that without even turning on the lamps. Or removing her make-up. She just laid there, staring at the ceiling. Why did Will show up today? Why did she not have her chance to talk to JJ? Well, she did; she just did not took it. She had the chance all day. In the plane. They had spent plenty of time together that day. Somehow she thought it would be best if she did not ever talk about the kiss again, like it never happened. It would be better to lock it up in a little box, and ship it off to Alaska, or some place else far away. Most likely, JJ would not even try to talk about it either. She would just stay with Will, because that would be the right thing to do. For her, for Will, for the baby.

But was it really the right thing to do?

That question haunted her thoughts more than she wanted. She wished she could just turn off her thoughts. Although she hated not to be able to think. She wanted to wander off in the debts of her soul, exploring every dark side of it. She embraced her dark side, because it made her other side even brighter.  _One's flaws define a person. One does not make decisions, because of one's perfections; it is the failure that causes us not to make the same mistake over and over again. It is default that makes us realize what is missing and what should exist, not the_  presence.

There was a knock on the door. She glanced at the clock. It was almost five in the morning. Was there another victim? A little reluctantly she got onto her feet, and walked to the door, putting her hand on her gun, just in case. But when she opened the door, she saw the face of the familiar woman. The small blonde she was currently thinking about; the object of her pondering. She frowned.

"What are you doing here? Weren't you sharing a room with Will? Why do you have you bag with you?" But she knew the answers of the questions already. She could read it in the blonde's face, like an open book. There were tear stains on her face, her eyes swollen and teary red. She sighed. "Come in." She said as she steered the younger woman inside. She just waited till she started to talk, but it stayed quiet. A tension lingered over the place. Something was wrong, she could tell. She just had to find out what. But JJ's body language did not tell her more than that something was wrong. This could be anything.

"I told Will about our kiss." She whispered, her voice hoarse, probably of her crying.

"Did he kick you out?" That was all Emily managed to say. She did not know what to ask. But JJ just looked at the wall, as if they were telling her something. As if they were telling her the right thing to do. As if they were telling her that the choices she made this night were justified, were the right thing to do. She wanted confirmation; that she was not dreaming. That this was real.

"I told him that I don't love him."

If she had not just seen the younger woman's lips move, she had not believed she said them. They were barely audible. "You don't love him?"

"No. I don't think so." Her eyes were two empty spaces, but when she looked deeper, she saw the defeat in the younger woman's eyes. She had failed. Her job contained knowing people, when she did not even know herself anymore. She did not even know who she loved anymore. She did not know a thing about herself. It seemed as if her own mind had betrayed her. Although it was not her mind that had betrayed her, it was her own choices. She had pushed away those feelings her whole life, keeping it in a closet.

"I'm sorry." Emily said, making sure the blonde would hear those words. She needed her. "I'm here for you." Those words made a tear escape her eye and roll down the younger woman's face, but Emily wiped it away before reached her chin. "Everything will be okay, Jennifer." She whispered. After a moment of silence, JJ finally managed to say some words.

"I know." She exhaled. "Because you're here with me."

* * *

Julian Peters was pacing through the halls. He was pacing in despair. They had found his house. They knew who he was. They had found out he was the man who tortured those women. But how did they find out? The whole plan was airtight. Or was it not? Was there somewhere a slight chance that the plan contained leaks; tiny leaks that the police had found out about? The small leaks that led them to him; the brilliant Julian Peters.

Of course, he knew that they had found out about a connection with that Van Vliet girl, but never would he have known they would find out his name, and certainly not finding his real name and residence. Nobody had questioned his ID before. Nobody had find out before that his name was not really Fons Stevens. Never would he have thought they would find out about him. But they would never know why. They never would. His phone beeped. He received a text from this familiar person.

_'They were searching your house. They don't know about your current position. You're safe.'_

He sighed in relief. Of course he was safe where he was, but it was good to hear that something was going right today. He turned on the news and saw a blonde haired woman talking about a killer on the loose. She was talking about him; a tall man, dark blonde curly hair, Caucasian, late twenties. A photo of him appeared on the screen, which made him shudder. He vaguely heard the words of the woman, telling those people out there that he was targeting women working a public job, around a certain age; if you wanted to be careful when you went outside.

But he would not give up. This game was not over yet.


	11. Chapter 11

**29 years earlier**

Isabel Walters was a young woman. She had married the love of her life three years ago, and had their daughter a little over a year ago. They had been young and in love. But now, with her husband in China, she felt lonely. She had only her daughter, but her life felt so empty, with her husband not right beside her. Her husband was the CEO of a business company, and made a lot of money, but to keep the good work up, they had to win over one of their biggest competitors. In this case, that meant that he would be in China for a year, and she, Isabel Walters, his wife, lived with their daughter in the house alone.

Shortly after her pregnancy she was diagnosed with postnatal depression. It was not that she did not love their child, it was just that she never had the feeling that she really committed to the girl. Initially, she had disapproved of her husband moving to China for a year, but when she heard what the consequences were if he did not; she had agreed.

She was pondering her life over as she rocked her daughter against her chest. She was crying for half an hour right now. Her husband had always been the one of them to comfort her, but it was as if their daughter knew she was not going to see her father for a year. She just could not stop crying, and Isabel was almost getting desperate as she tried anything to console her child. But nothing worked. She decided to go for a walk. She did not know a lot about her daughter, but she knew she liked fresh air.

She strolled around with her daughter and the buggy, enjoying the weather. She always had a thing for January weather, although she did not know why. She sat down on a bench in the park, closing her eyes, feeling the wind on her face. She lost herself deep in thoughts, vaguely hearing the prattling of her one year old daughter, but it seemed to come from far. She snapped out of her thoughts as a man tried to get her attention.

"Excuse me, ma'am." He said, smiling. Her eyes met his grey eyes, and she felt a familiar spark in her gut, she had not felt in a long time. His smile was genuine, and she could not help but smile back.

"Yes?" She asked.

"I'm sorry to bother you." He smiled shyly. "I just thought you wanted to know that your daughter was playing over there." He pointed at somewhere behind him. "You seem a little absent-minded."

"Oh, no problem." She grinned. "Thanks, I am a little distracted, I think."

"I can see where your daughter gets her beauty from." He grinned too, right now, a little more confident than moments before. "What is her name?"

She knew she probably should have avoided this man; refused to talk to him. This man, who knew how to make her smile, while she had not smiled in a long time now. He just knew how to make her feel cherished, somehow. Somehow she closed the door, containing her husband and the life she led with him, and turned around, facing a knew door. Her hand reaching at the doorknob, desperately wanting to know what was at the other side. The new.. The familiar feeling of falling in love again. An escape from the loneliness she was suffering from. An escape from life, from reality. She reached her hand and grabbed the doorknob.

"Her name is Linda."

* * *

Emily was lying on her back, on her bed. JJ laid on her chest, and Emily had her arm wrapped around the younger woman protectively. She had fallen asleep only hours ago, after a long talk. The younger woman had admitted that she did not know who she was anymore. She did not know what she felt. She did not know a thing, but the fact that she had probably been living a lie, although she had not known it. All this time, she had been thinking she was this person, but it turned out she was not that person at all.

She listened to the steady breathing of JJ, and she could only be grateful she had finally been honest to herself; honest to Will, and honest to her, Emily. But she had to admit that there was a long road ahead of the blonde. She were to find out who she really was, and with whom she wanted to be with. Emily wanted to be the person to do that. She wanted to stand by next to the younger woman; help her, guide her, but she did not know if JJ wanted her to. She did not know if she wanted to let her in; let her help her, or if she wanted to solve this riddle herself.

She still secretly hoped that the blonde would fall for her, Emily. But she also the real world did not consist of fairy tales. Sometimes, it came close to it, but it was never quite perfect. She loved the younger woman with all her heart. She loved her so much, it almost ached her not to be with her. Especially when she got to taste a little piece of the reality she craved, the longing grew a little more. Piece by piece, filling her head with those fantasies she did not seem to be able to banish from her thoughts.

She wanted to wrap the blonde in her arms; telling that she loved her, telling that everything would be okay, and  _know_  everything would be okay, because they would spend forever with each other. She wanted to tell her that she had nothing to be afraid of, because she finally knew who she was, and that was all that mattered. She wanted to kiss the tip of her head right before they would fall asleep together; or place a quick peck on the cheek right before work. She wanted to come home to this woman, every evening, although they would probably leave work together. She wanted to cry with the woman, and she wanted to laugh with the woman. She wanted to have those endless talks at night, about pretty much everything and nothing at the same time. She wanted to share all of her strangest and dirtiest secrets. She wanted to fight over laundry and groceries. She wanted the good and the bad, and would care for them equally. Although, she would probably like the good things more than the bad. She wanted to hold hands, also in public. She wanted to make love to the woman; and coming home with a bouquet, just to surprise her girlfriend. She wanted to go down on her knees, to ask her to marry her. She wanted to marry her, saying 'I do' in front of everyone they loved. She wanted to show the whole world how much she loved her.

"I love you." She sighed, not knowing that in her arms was lying a woman who was not asleep. She looked like she was, but she was not. She had been pondering about her life over the last few hours. And she thought Emily had fallen asleep by now. Or maybe she did fall asleep. Maybe she was just asleep as she said those words. That would be a right explanation. But if she were sleeping, and she were saying those words, she would probably mean them. She considered responding; to make sure Emily knew she heard her, but she just did not know what to say.

What did she feel about the woman underneath her? She was trying to figure it out the last couple of hours, but she still did not decide what that feeling was. She loved the brunette like a friend; like the best friend in the world. She loved her like a sister; she trusted her with every secret. She trusted her with every problem. She would tell her everything she was scared of. She would tell her secrets to that woman. She liked to be curled up in her arms; to be wrapped in those strong arms. She felt safe in them. And every time the woman entered a room, she just could not help but looking. The confident strut Emily was walking had always intrigued the blonde. She was always fascinated by the way the woman talked; the way her voice got a little husky when she talked about something personal.

And the kiss they had shared the night before, was the best kiss she ever had. It had awakened something in her body, that she never knew it even existed. It felt like she was drunk and high at the same time. Initially, she thought she was nauseated, but the feeling was way better than that. It was something you would not possibly be able to describe with any language. There are just no words powerful enough to illustrate what it was like. It was like there was a fire in her soul, that had never burnt before. It was a completely new feeling, but it felt so pleasant. But at the same time, it had scared her.

Hearing those words was just like another door that had opened for her. And Emily was the person standing behind it; nicely inviting her to come through. She wanted to take that step towards the door, but it seemed so far away yet. But she also knew sometimes illusions made distances seem wider, and humps seem higher. She knew she just had to try, in order to achieve something, in order to find out if those humps were really that high and if that distance was not just one step away. Maybe that door was already open to welcome her, but she just did not know if she was that desired to enter yet.

Underneath her, Emily was listening. She had said those words. Those words she had been desperate to say to the blonde. The words she longed to phrase for so long now. She wanted the blonde to know, but at the same time, she did not want her to know. She was afraid JJ would reject her; would run away from her. Despise her maybe. But somehow in the back of her head, deep down there, she knew she would not do any of those. And the fact that the blonde's breathing had changed when she said those three incredible words, told her that they had gotten to her. The fact that she had not respond to them; frightened her a little, though. And she did not know if she had to say something; speak up, or be quiet. Maybe she would have thought the brunette was asleep.

"Jennifer?" Her voice sounded husky and soft. JJ felt an electric shock flowing through her spine. Emily did not use her full name very often, but when she did, something just triggered inside her. The way she said it almost soothing her. Just a flicker of hope welling up in her body.

"Emily."

Three syllables; no question, no answer. Just one word.

"You're awake." Emily's voice was still husky, and thin; almost inaudible. She had almost stopped breathing when she heard her name. She had her question confirmed. The younger woman had heard those three words; her confession. Though she had not said them in return. But she could not expect such a thing. The woman had just left her boyfriend; and was probably more confused about everything she was or did than ever before. It was like a big plot twist in a good movie, but very much more real; very much scarier. Her whole life changed its course, just in an instant. And she could not just stay on the wrong path, because that would make her terribly unhappy. She just had to deal with it, otherwise she would break down. She just had to face the truth; she just had to admit things were different than they used to be; or used to look like.

"I love you too."


	12. Chapter 12

As welcome as a warm inviting bed after not sleeping for two full days; as welcome as an ice-cold beer at the end of an incredibly hot day; as welcome as a pleasant bath when your muscles were sore; or as welcome as those three words she craved to hear. Those three words she dreamed of hearing the last days, months, and even years. Emily would easily put 'finding out the love of your life loves you back' on that list. On top. This was easily the best feeling she had ever experienced.

"You do?" She said, as she sat up, facing the blonde. JJ looked a bit shocked; stunned by her own words. She did not mean to say them so soon, but she also knew they were true. She had always loved the woman in front of her, although she had never realized it. She looked into dark eyes gazing into hers, and she just knew this was one of the true things in life. One of the things she did not have to think over, because she knew it was true. She loved her. And that kind of scared her, but she also knew she would learn to overcome that fear with Emily by her side. Emily was one of the bravest people she had ever known.

"Yes, I do. I love you." A tear ran down her cheek; Emily cupped JJ's face with her hand and wiped it away with her thumb. "It's been the first thing I'm sure of lately." She smiled weakly, but genuinely. She leaned against Emily's hand, feeling the warmth on her face. And finally, for the second time in two days, she kissed the brunette. And  _damn_ , that felt good. They only pulled out of the kiss, when they both felt the undeniable urge to breathe.

"You don't know how long I waited for this." Emily breathed, when she leaned her forehead against JJ's, and looked deep into blue eyes. The blonde's face changed into a grin, a smile that reached her eyes. The brunette could tell that maybe she was not entirely happy, because all of her sorrows and the heavy burden she was carrying, but she also knew it would be okay again. She was going to make sure that the blonde would be okay again, and eventually be happy again.

"Tell me."

"Tell what?"

"How long." JJ said, smiling weakly, looking into the brunette's eyes with devotion.

"I'm not gonna tell you this is love at first sight.. Although you certainly caught my eye after a whole day of waiting." A crooked grin formed on the older woman's face. "I think the first time I realized I'd fallen in love with you was a few months ago.." She paused for a moment, but when she saw JJ's inquiring gaze, she proceeded. "When Garcia was shot.. and we were all waiting for news in the hospital. I felt the urge to hold your hand. And when I felt the cold of your hand against the warmth of mine, I realized I wanted to warm your hands  _so_  bad.. But not just then, just.." She stopped, as if she could not finish her sentence. She was afraid to say the word she was about to say. The word was echoing in her mind, as JJ spoke it out loud.

"Always." She breathed.

"Don't freak out." Emily looked into her eyes with concern. She sincerely hoped she had not spooked away the younger agent. Not so soon in their early relationship. Or whatever name should be given to the thing the two BAU members shared. She once told her partner about her dating skills, and that at some point she would say something geeky, and scare her 'relationship' away. She hoped with all her heart that she did not just do that with the person she would call her 'love of her life'. Although it might be somewhat soon to call her such a big thing. Maybe they turned out to be unsuitable; maybe everything that had happened the last few days was just an act in a fit of madness. Maybe it would not work out. Maybe they were not meant to be. But she did not want to find out so soon.

"Emily." She snapped the brunette back into reality. "Look at me." She had not noticed that when her mind drifted off, her gaze had drifted off too. She was looking at an insignificant point on the wall. Something that did not matter. Just a spot on an otherwise flawless wallpaper. But this mattered. And this was not flawless. It was as flawed as two human being could be; because nobody was perfect. That was something Emily found out long time ago. Everyone had her shortcomings. But that was okay; because if everybody was perfect, nobody would be different. Flaws define people. Therefore people are flawed. She once read something about surviving relatives. The things they remember most about their lost one are mostly their imperfections. "Emily!"

"What?" She looked up in confusion, meeting blue eyes. She noticed the blonde had her eyebrows furrowed.

"You were just gone for a moment." JJ laid her hand on the brunette's leg. "I wanted to say that I'm not freaking out. I actually think it's really sweet. I didn't know you were so romantic." She smiled with her eyes at the older woman, who put her hand on the younger one's; stroking her knuckles with her thumb.

"Nah, I'm actually very geeky when I have feelings for someone. And if I'm romantic, that's only because of you."

"Geeky indeed." The blonde haired woman chuckled. Emily pouted her lips in response, which JJ thought was insanely adorable for the otherwise badass agent. She could not withstand the urge to pull her in for a kiss on those lips. She tugged the pouting lip between her teeth, running her tongue playfully across her sensitive bottom lip, as she looked into brown eyes. Brown eyes, that darkened the instant tongue met lip; pupils dilating in titillation. But Emily would never just acknowledge her defeat. She would fight back.

She took the blonde's hands, pinning her on her back against the bed with her hands above her head, pulling out her lip and crashing her lips against the blonde's. When she lifted her head a little to allow herself and the blonde to breathe, she finally reacted to JJ's earlier observation.

"I'll show you how geeky I am."

* * *

**29 years ago**

She was not supposed to fall for another man, and certainly not to get pregnant from that same man. She was happily married to the man of her dreams. She had a daughter with said man. The man, who was at the other side of the world, for their own sake; to take care of his family. The family she was part of. She never should have given in to the urge to take the man home with her. She should have pushed him away when he first kissed her. But a voice in the back of her head told her it was okay; that it was okay to be loved by another man. But it was not okay. And it was certainly not okay to get pregnant.

She felt tainted. Every cell in her body hated what she had done. Her heart and soul infected by something she had never experienced before; betrayal. Even the word tasted bitter in her mouth. She had whispered the word to herself when she looked in the mirror. She just could not face herself anymore. She had called herself a liar, a cheater, a betrayer. And she was all those things. She could not deny it. She had been the adulterous woman she had vowed not ever to become. She had vowed to the man she truly loved, that she would only love him and no one else. And that was still true. She had only loved Hugo. She had never loved Gerard.

Even when the man was on top of her, she had thought of her husband. She had closed her eyes as the different man thrust his length inside of her. She had drifted off in a daydream, about her family. Her husband, her daughter and herself. She had tried to fill a void. The void her husband had left when he took a plane to China. But instead of fulfilling her craving, she had extended the void. And her actions had even caused her to feel something else; guilt. And the guilt was eating at her. She did not want to be remembered of her treacherous acts towards her husband nine months prior.

And now she was standing in front of the house; Gerard Peters' house. She was holding what appeared to be a bundle of cloths, but in fact it was a baby. The outcome of the actions of an adulterous woman. The had decided she would never tell Hugo about this mistake. As if the little creature in her arms knew he was about to be given up, he cried. With an aching heart, body and soul, she walked to the door and carefully put the boy on the doormat, along with his birth certificate and a letter to explain what happened. One last kiss on the forehead, and she decided not to ever look back at this lapse.

* * *

**Back to the present**

The next morning the BAU team met at the precinct of Toledo's police department. They had gathered all of their information so far, but it did not go as well as they hoped it would be. The unsub was still on the streets and they did not know where to find him. They also did not know why this guy would do such a thing. Everything pointed at a joint history between the unsub and the fourth victim, but they could not find a reason bad enough to kill for. There had to be a reason for the unsub to adopt a fake name before he went to the university, where he met said fourth victim, Marie van Vliet. The group of special agents snapped up from their thoughts and concoctions when Hotch's phone rang.

"Garcia, you're on speaker."

"You guys are gonna love me." She said. The other agents could just hear her grin in her voice. "So, I made some phone calls and pulled some strings.. And I found out there's about as much information on Julian Peters as his alter ego Fons Stevens."

"Baby girl, we love you, but what's the good news?" Morgan asked.

"Well, I found his birth certificate.. And the strange thing about it is that it doesn't mention the name of his mother." She paused for a few seconds. They could hear the clicking of the keys. "But it does mention his father.. He died, but he was a bee keeper."

"When did he die?" Reid asked.

"September 2006. Heart attack."

"So, two years ago." Reid mentioned matter-of-factly.

"Was that all you could find, Garcia?" Hotch questioned.

"Everything worth mentioning, sir."

"Alright. Look what else you can find on them."

"Okay. Garcia out." When the dial tone sounded, Reid was the first to say something.

"Do you think he killed his own father?"

"Possible. But why?" Morgan replied, before posing a new question.

"He probably hated the guy. The fact that his birth certificate doesn't mention a birth mother, indicates the lack of a mother figure in his life. Maybe she abandoned the two of them." Prentiss suggested.

"The father never really bonded to his son. Maybe he even blamed him for the woman leaving him. And ruined his childhood." JJ added.

"That still leaves us with Van Vliet's death." Rossi said.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated 'Explicit' because of graphical illustrations of sexual acts aka smut. Well, if you're not into that sort of thing, I'd recommend skipping the first part, but I certainly recommend reading the last paragraph. You're gonna miss a part of the story if you don't, so..

The rest of the day, the case did not proceed smoothly. They still did not have any idea where their unsub was lodging all the time. The only progress they had made was that they found out his father was a bee keeper and died two years ago. They still did not know the connection between Van Vliet and Peters, although they suspected it had something to do with the fact that his birth certificate did not mention a mother. They suspected that Isabel van Vliet, the mother of the Van Vliet family, was also Peters' mother, but they could not prove the connection. That evening, Hotch sent his team back to the hotel to catch some sleep.

When Emily and JJ were back in their room, JJ plopped down on her bed, laying down. She sighed deeply, gazing at the ceiling.

"How are you holding up?" Emily asked, still standing near the door she had just closed behind her back.

"I don't know." She closed her eyes. "I think I'm okay."

"You do?"

"I guess." She paused for a while, before opening her eyes again. "Come lie next to me?" The brunette did so and laid down next to the blonde. They just lied there, not saying a word; enjoying the silence. Emily almost fell asleep, when she felt the weight on the mattress shift a little, followed by the trickling of a few strands of hair in her face. Her lips curled into a smile when she opened her eyes, meeting blue ones. The blonde straddled the brunette as she pecked her on her lips, placing her hands on the mattress on each side of the older woman.

"I thought you asked me to lay next to you, not under you?" Emily grinned.

"Well, one can change her mind, you know." She shrugged it off. "And the things I want to do to you aren't that easy when I'm lying next to you." She smirked to herself when she saw brown eyes turn black.

"What are you up to?" The brunette asked, her voice husky and her eyes clouded by desire.

"I.." She placed a kiss on the brunette's cheek. "..think.." A kiss on her other cheek. "..you.." A kiss on the corner of her mouth. "..know." And finally she placed a long, but chaste kiss on the older woman's lips.

"Are you sure?" Those three words took her almost as much courage as the other three words she had said the other night. She did not want anything more than this; making love to the woman on top of her. But she did not want to rush it either. She did not want JJ to regret all of this. If they were to do this, she needed to be ready. Brown met blue, and she saw the younger woman considering the question.

"Emily." She said, trying to find the right words to tell her what she was feeling. "A few days ago I didn't know I could feel like this, and certainly not for a woman.. And I should be scared, because there's a whole new world out there waiting for me, but at the same time nothing really changes. I'm still me. There was always a part of me missing, and I finally found out what that was. You make me feel whole again, Emily. And that scares me, but it makes me feel better too." She paused for a moment, sighing. "And to be honest, the last few days I've been wondering what it would be like.. with a woman. With you. I have never really enjoyed it with men."

She blushed at her confession, so Emily took her face between her hands. "I'm glad you told me all of this." She paused to take a good look at the younger woman above her. "I just wanted to make sure.. Because I know what it's like to do something when you're not ready to do so.. You can never take it back. I don't want you to regret anything, Jay."

JJ nodded in response. "I understand. You're great." She grinned. "And the best thing is.. that you're mine." As soon as the sudden tension had snuck in, was it gone again.

"Am I?" The brunette teased.

"Yes." The blonde said as she closed the gap between the two of them once more. She was addicted to those lips, and she knew it. The kiss grew deeper and more passionate, as tongues met; each stroke growing more urgent than the other. More passionate and more needy. But JJ was not satisfied yet. She wanted to feel skin; she wanted to taste it. So she pulled out of the kiss, setting up a trail of wet kisses along her jaw to her ear, tugging her earlobe between her teeth; running her tongue across the sensitive skin. She continued her trail to her neck, licking and nipping, Emily tangling her fingers in the blonde's hair.

JJ started sucking at her pulse point and Emily's hands released the blonde hair and trailed down her back to the hem of JJ's white shirt, tugging up the piece of fabric in one smooth move, pulling it off completely. That left the younger woman in her white laced bra. Emily moaned in response to a slightly biting JJ. The blonde pulled out, locking eyes with the brunette, grinning widely.

"I never considered you the rough type.." The older woman smirked, her eyes clouding with arousal, her nails grazing over the naked skin of the younger woman's back.

"There's a lot you don't know about me." She teased back. The blue of her eyes had almost darkened as much as Emily's. She slowly undid a few buttons, locking with dark eyes, looking for every little bit of response in those dark orbs. When she had unbuttoned the whole shirt, Emily wrapped her legs around the blonde's waist, and flipped them over, pressing the blonde in the mattress, straddling her hips.

"Did you just unclasp my bra, while turning us over?" The younger woman grinned, feeling her bra had lost its power to give her breasts the support to keep them in place.

"Hmm, did I?" The woman on top asked, smirking smugly at the woman below her. She dipped her head, kissing the blonde's sternum. With the tip of her tongue, she drew a path to the middle of the blonde's bra. She tugged the piece of fabric between her teeth, and pulled, while her fingers pulled the straps down her shoulders and arms. "Well, seems like I did." She concluded cockily, while cupping the newly-exposed left breast with her hand.

She rolled the nipple between her fingers, pinching it every once in a while, the other nub receiving a slightly different treatment with the brunette's mouth. She drew circles with her tongue around the nipple, softly blowing hot air against the wet skin. She felt the blonde respond under her, gasping for air. Finally she softly tickled the nipple with the tip of her tongue. And when she eventually took the hardened piece of flesh in her mouth, the blonde was shifting uncomfortably underneath her, heavily breathing.

"Emily.." She sighed, actually a little surprised she was still able to form a word. The brunette looked up in response, seeing the painfully aroused face of her soon-to-be-lover. She moved up to kiss the blonde on the lips. In the brief moment that the brunette had changed position, the blonde had managed to accomplish her plan to get off her shirt, throwing it on the floor. She pulled the older woman in for a kiss again, running her hands up her back, unclasping the black lacy bra, freeing two heavy breasts. The lacy material also found its way to the floor, with the other pieces of clothing.

The blonde took them in her hands, feeling the nipples harden in an instant. The brunette closed her eyes in response, finally feeling the hands of the woman of her dreams where she wanted them to be. At least, one of the places she wanted them to be. She wanted to feel them inside of her, her center clenched around her fingers, screaming her name. She felt soft lips against her own and she opened her eyes again. The blonde released her breasts and moved down to the hem of her pants, unbuttoning and unzipping them.

While she was doing her thing, she softly raked the tips of her fingers across the skin under the hem. She sat up, pulling out of the kiss, and shifted a little to pull off the younger woman's pants, before pulling her own pants off, throwing the second last pieces of garment on the floor, leaving both women in only their panties.

Emily dipped her head again and softly kissed the middle of the blonde's stomach, followed by a soft lick of her tongue. She left a whole trail of those kisses, pausing at her navel. She nuzzled her cold nose in the bellybutton, before blowing hot air over wet skin. She drew a circle around the navel with her tongue and continued her trail, down to still covered area. She changed position again, and hooked her fingers behind the panties, pulling them slowly down, before moving to her girlfriend's lips again.

She kissed her softly, while she slid her finger between wet folds, drawing it up, raking her clit. The woman beneath her gasped in response, placing her hands on the brunette's back. She slid down again, softly dipping her finger in wetness, moving it up again, stroking around her clit. She felt the breathing of the younger woman getting unsteadier and going faster. She moaned when Emily flicked the bundle of nerves.

"Em.. Please." She breathed, barely able to speak.

Emily finally satisfied the woman by pushing in two fingers, curling them to touch the g-spot. The blonde arched her back, pushing her body against the brunette's, desperately demanding for more contact. The older agent sped up her pace, letting her lover push her nails in her back. When she added a third finger, and started rubbing her clit with her thumb, JJ could not hold any longer. She screamed her name when she came, riding out her climax.

The brunette laid down next to the blonde, and pulled her against her, on her chest, stroking her arm. "I don't think I need to ask if you liked it, do I?" The older agent smiled, eyeing her flushed lover, who still had her eyes closed. She shook her head in response.

"If I knew that with a woman, it would be that much better.." She opened her eyes, locking brown and blue. "I would have come out of the closet sooner." She joked, grinning widely. The older woman placed a long, soft, but loving kiss on the top of the younger woman's head.

* * *

When Emily woke up that morning at eight, she immediately noticed something was wrong. The bed was, except the brunette herself, empty. She opened her eyes and found a note on the other woman's nightstand. With every word she read, she grew more concerned. Something was certainly wrong.

_Emily,_

_I'm sorry I left so early.  
_ _I got a call from the hospital.  
_ _Will had an accident.  
I'm with him now._ __  
I'll see you later today.  


_Love, JJ_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I bet you want to introduce me to Julian Peters now, huh? That was kind of mean of me, to leave you hanging with this nice cliffhanger. But no hard feelings, because next chapter will soon be up!


	14. Chapter 14

Emily sat on the edge of the bed. She stared at the note, which she had read over and over again, until she memorized every little word; every letter that hurt her. Had the woman traded her for her ex-boyfriend? Had she chosen to lie to herself again? Last night was pretty real, was it not? Emily buried her face in her hands, rubbing her eyes. She was confused. She did not understand why the other woman had done this. Or maybe she was just over thinking this. But why had JJ not woken her up?

An hour later the BAU team had gathered in the precinct again. Hotch was not in the slightest happy. The reason for his discomfort was that Garcia had called him a few hours ago with the announcement that someone had hacked into the computer system of their department. She did not know what the person that hacked into their system had looked for, and what information he had gathered, and she also did not know who the hacker was. He had not left a digital fingerprint, which indicated he was probably some sort of super genius.

"Hey, guys. Where's JJ?" Morgan mentioned, noticing the blonde was not around. He focused on Prentiss. "She's not with you?"

Prentiss, snapping out of her thoughts, answered quickly. "Oh, right. She left a note, in the middle of the night. She got a call from the hospital. Will was in an accident." She took the note out of her pocket. "Look." Morgan took it from Prentiss, reading it.

"Did you try to call her?" He asked, taking his own phone out of his pocket, dialing the number of his blonde colleague.

"Yes, but it went straight to voice mail." Prentiss answered, biting her cheek in frustration.  _Why isn't she answering her phone?_

After Morgan had attempted three times with no result, Hotch dialed Garcia's number.

"Garcia, can you see if Will has checked into any hospital in this neighborhood?" He asked, waiting for some response. After a minute or so he frowned in suspicion. "Can you track JJ's cellphone?" Another pause. "And Will's?" He grimaced in anguish. "Okay, thanks Garcia. Try to find as much on Van Vliet's parents and try to find as much information on Peters." He hung up, his face turned even more sorrowed than it was before. "We have a problem. Will and JJ are untraceable and there's no paperwork of him arriving in any hospital."

"Last calls?" Rossi asked.

"Disposable cellphone. Non-traceable." Hotch answered shortly.

Prentiss bit her lip, her mind projecting the worst-case scenarios in front of her eyes. She thought of anything that could have happened. Did she lie, or had she not known that she was lured away under false pretenses? Probably the latter. She vaguely heard the others discussing what could have happened, but she did not mingle in the conversation. It sounded so stupid of herself to have been wondering about JJ returning to Will now, when something bad might have happened to her.  _Might have, not has._

A few minutes later Hotch's phone sounded through the room. He answered, putting it on speaker.

"Garcia, you're on speaker phone." He said.

"Sir, you won't believe what I just found out.."

* * *

**Ten years earlier**

A younger man, about eighteen years old, stood in the kitchen with a piece of paper in his hands; his back bending and his hair hanging sleek across his face. He stared at the piece of paper with blank eyes, as if he could barely believe what he was reading. An older man who resembled him walked into the kitchen. When he saw what the younger man had in his hands, he froze; eyes like saucers.

"Julian, where did you find that?" He asked in Dutch.

"You hid it from me." His voice sounded calm, not a hint of well-hidden rage in it. "There's no name."

His father stared at the birth certificate, well knowing that it did not mention a mother's name. He knew who his mother was, but she had asked him never to tell anyone about their fleeting affair. He stood in the kitchen, only a few feet away from his son, keeping mum. He was not to speak about it, and he would never do it either. He had promised. But his son did not give up.

"Tell me who she is." His voice stayed calm, a little more menacing than it was before. He took a few measured steps in his father's direction, threatening him with his behavior. He had always been scared of his son. He had always been the odd man out. He was bullied when he was younger, until he scared the other children. He had to switch schools more than once. When he had gotten older, he turned out to be very smart. Their relationship had always been a struggle on both sides. Father did not like son, and the other way around applied the same.

Father and son stood toe-to-toe in the kitchen, when Julian asked once more who his mother was, but as stubborn as his father was; he would not answer. Something snapped inside the young man. He shoved his father against the wall, knocking a chair over in the act. His father froze, but would not give up the name of his mother. He would not let his son have his way.

When he stayed put, not saying a word, his son became mad. He had never seen this kind of anger in his eyes. He pressed his hand to his father's throat, pushing hard. The sudden movement caught his father off guard, but he still would not give in. When Julian threatened to kill his own father with his bare hands, he decided he did not want his son to be a killer and finally gave the three words his son craved to hear; the product of a love affair.

"Isabel van Vliet." He choked, his son losing grip of his neck immediately. He grinned smugly at his victory. And Gerard knew his son was not a man. He was a monster.

* * *

Emily stared at the big computer screen on the wall of the precinct. Garcia had sent a photo of Isabel van Vliet to her favorite BAU team, and even Emily had to admit that the woman looked exactly like JJ. Or other way round. She was dead to the world around her, sucked into her own mind, thinking of only one phrase she could resemble. ' _Wasps really freak me out. I'm allergic to them.'_  If she had really been kidnapped by Julian Peters, God knew how long she would have to live. She could not lose the love of her life yet. Not so soon. Not now she had come out to her like this. After all this time. She could never lose the blonde.

She vaguely heard the rest of the team discussing a plan. They had decided they would not take a risk with JJ's life, because they still did not know if she was kidnapped by the unsub, or if it was merely a coincidence. Of course Reid remembered telling JJ about her allergies, so they made it their priority to save the woman and the father of her child. Only the team did not know they had broken up days ago.

She felt two eyes gazing at her suspiciously. She turned around and looked right into the eyes belonging to her partner, Morgan. "Can I talk to you for a sec?" He asked her, gesturing at the now empty conference room. Prentiss nodded slowly, not really looking forward to talking about whatever he wanted to talk about.

When he finally had closed the door behind the two of them, he asked the question Emily was not sure she wanted to answer. "So tell me, what's the deal between you and JJ?" Emily started to chew her cheek again, which started to become a nasty habit of hers. She considered the question. She did not know if JJ wanted to be outed yet, or if she first wanted to get accustomed to the fact that she was into women instead of men. But Emily was also aware of the fact that they could not lie to everyone about their relationship.

"Why are you asking me?" Emily tried to sound casual, but she did not sound casual in the slightest. It did not take a profiler to see that Emily tried to dodge the question. Derek narrowed his eyes.

"Look, Emily. I'm fine with it. Hell, I'm happy for you guys if you are happy. The last few days you two are acting differently, being secretive. I mean, you have always been secretive, and we all know it, but JJ was acting seriously strange. And the fact that the other night, she left with Will, and appeared at breakfast with you told me enough." Morgan explained. He forced Emily to look him in the eye by placing his hand on her arm. "Do you love her?" Emily nodded. "Does she know?" Emily nodded again. "Does she.. love you back?"

"I think she does. She told me she did. But this morning, I wasn't sure anymore. I mean, she just left like that, without telling me; waking me. Only a note.." The ever so in control of her emotions Emily lost it. She could not keep her concerns with her anymore, she could not keep it together; not with Morgan next to her, being so understanding about the situation.

"I'm sure she didn't want you to worry. Maybe she just wanted to check on Will, call in his family and leave. You don't know that." He reassured her.

"What if she dies.." Emily started, her eyes were burning now, but she tried to bite back the tears that threatened to fall.

"Hey hey hey, don't go that way, Emily." Morgan locked eyes with the brunette, looking very seriously. "She will make it."

They stood in silence for a few minutes, Emily calming down a little bit. She could not just give up on the blonde. She had to do everything within her power to save the woman.

She closed her eyes. Only a few hours ago they had fallen asleep together, after their first time together. After JJ's first time with a woman. She had taken the blue-eyed beauty in her arms, and listened to her breathing; enjoying the warmth of each other. She had laced her fingers between the younger woman's; looking how perfectly they fitted together. She had truly been happy, never thinking that hours later, she would stand in a conference room with Morgan, worrying about the blonde's life.

"Alright, let's get this over with. We need to find her." Emily dismissed the subject, sighing deeply. She had to be strong. For JJ. She had vowed to herself she would protect the smaller woman. She had failed, and now she had to make up for it. She needed to save her girlfriend. Her and the child growing inside her.

* * *

**Hours earlier**

JJ opened her eyes. She looked at the alarm, and it told her it was only five in the morning. It took her a second to figure out what had woken her up, but she saw the light of her cellphone cutting through the darkness. She carefully stepped out of bed, and walked to the bathroom to prevent waking the brunette. She did not recognize the number, but she answered anyway.

"Am I speaking to Miss Jareau?" A formal, female voice sounded.

"Yes, why?"

"We have bad news. William LaMontagne has been in an accident. He listed you as his emergency contact. He's in surgery now, and you may have to make decisions for him. We urgently ask you to come as soon as you can. He might not make it till the end of the morning."

JJ considered her options. Should she wake up Emily and ask what to do? Should she just go to the hospital, and call for Will's family, so they could take decisions? She contemplated about what she should do for a while, and finally took the plunge. She would leave a note for Emily, and go to the hospital to check up on Will, and call his family. She should not make any decisions about his life. She did not know how he thought about life support, and she did not want to be the person to take the wrong call on something like that.

She told the woman at the other side of the phone she would be on her way and wrote a note. She got dressed as fast as she could and went her way to the hospital. When she was outside, she felt the cold on her cheeks, and buried her hands deeply in the pocket. She walked in the direction of the black SUV she was borrowing from the police department, when she heard footsteps behind her. She was about to turn around, when she felt something heavy against the back of her head. Before she blacked out, she caught a glimpse of the person who had inflicted her that pain.

But it was not Julian Peters.


	15. Chapter 15

JJ's head was pounding when she regained consciousness.  _What happened?_  She thought, the words echoing through her head like a drum. She opened her eyes and prepared for a big amount of light, but she was consumed by darkness instead. She wanted to lift her hand to explore the back of her head, but she found out her wrists had been strapped up tightly. She was stuck in a chair. She tried to remember what had happened, but everything was just a blur. With every attempt of getting back her memories her head started hurting even more.

She heard footsteps behind her, and the form that walked into her visual field belonged to Julian Peters. It took her some time to digest what situation she was in. If her team did not find her in time, she would die. Her body would fail on her; slowly wandering off in an anaphylactic shock and eventually she would stop breathing.

She would become just another allergic fatality. She would become just another statistic on the short list of those fatalities; another statistic on the list of murdered people. The sixth victim of Julian Peters. She would be nothing more than a dead body, that once contained all the characteristics that had made Jennifer Jareau. She thought of her fetus, her baby, her child, who was growing inside of her; the child that had not gotten the chance to live. The child that had never even seen daylight.

The man cleared his throat. "So.. Jennifer Jareau." He started. JJ knew better than to react. That was only what he wanted. When he did not get what he was aiming for, he tried another tack. "I visited your boyfriend."

JJ vaguely remembered a woman calling about Will having been in an accident. "What did you do to him?" She clenched her jaws, because it took a lot of her body to produce words. Her head was pounding more than ever, and she tried to think as hard as possible. She needed to find an escape; or at least she had to stall the man. She needed more time. She had to give her team more time to find her.

"Well, I didn't do anything to him." Peters said softly, but JJ sensed there was no reason to sigh in relief. There must have been something else to the story. "My friend did."  _There it is._  She tried hard not to give away how scared she was, but she could not help but wonder if he was still alive. He was the father of her child. And he had been her boyfriend for quite a long time. He was like family to her, even if she did not love him romantically.

She thought of Emily, the woman for whom she had left Will. She did not regret it. She loved the woman more than she had loved anything in the world, except for her child perhaps. The woman who was stronger than most other people she knew; braver than anyone she knew. But now JJ had to be brave. She had to try to hold on to her life. The life she wanted to share with her baby and Emily.

The man had walked out of the room and back in with a body over his shoulders.  _Will._  His wrists and ankles were tied together with ropes. He threw the body on the ground, as if it was a bag of potatoes; but it sounded like a tree that had fallen on the ground after it had been sawed down. The thud gave JJ the chills. Was he dead? She could not tell from where she was. She could only wait for him to tell her he was dead.

"He is not dead." He said simply. "But he is barely alive." He cocked his head and looked at JJ. "Do you know what it is like to be hated by your own father? He wanted nothing to do with me." He walked in her direction, standing only inches away. "He didn't notice I wasn't doing well at school. Every kid at school hated me.. Bullied me.. Humiliated me." He turned around again and walked out of her sight.

When he walked back into her range of vision, he was holding a jar with a wasp. "No, he was only occupied with his bees. His precious bees." His voice dripped with disgust. "He didn't care about me, his son. And so was my mother. The mother had abandoned her son. She didn't want anything to do with him." JJ noticed the sudden change in point of view. He was talking in third person. He distanced himself from his mother. Was he mimicking his mother's death by killing those women? Did he want to punish her by punishing those women?

"So you're taking it out on those other women? Because you hate your mother so much? You're leaving their children and spouses without their mother and wife or girlfriend?" JJ blurted out. But she knew why he was attacking and killing those women. It was not about taking it out on them. It was just practice. His ultimate goal would be his own mother. He had killed his father. He was his first murder. His last would be the woman who had given birth on him.

But he would never get away with it. They had found out who he was. He would never be able to travel to the Netherlands without being caught. It did not make sense.

He did not answer her question. It was rhetorical anyway. She knew the answer. But she had expected the man to brag about what he had done. Something was clearly holding him back. Something was not right.

Hell, nothing was right about this.

* * *

Prentiss and Morgan just walked back into the precinct, when Hotch's phone rang. It was Garcia to explain a plan Kevin Lynch came up with to track JJ. Emily did not really listen to the idea, but what she understood was that it was a long shot, but there was a small possibility that it might actually work. And if it worked, they were able to estimate JJ's whereabouts. The rest of the team was preparing to save JJ.

Emily felt so helpless, because she could not really do anything than to wait for Garcia to tell them where JJ was. She tried to do as much as possible. She had given everyone an EpiPen, so they could give her a shot in case they might find her. Usually she did not pray, but this situation asked for desperate measures.

Half an hour later, Garcia called to tell the rest of her favorite BAU team that their plan succeeded. She sent the GPS coordinates to all of them and they rushed to their cars; Emily and Morgan driving the same black SUV. Emily decided it might have been a better idea if Morgan drove, so she climbed in the passenger seat.

Emily felt blood rushing through her veins, as adrenaline spread through her body, encouraging her muscles and brains to work a little faster. Maybe they were on time. Maybe they could save her. Hope burned in her chest as they approached a forest. They turned and drove on a rather muddy track. When the path seemed to narrow too much, they decided to go further by foot.

It took Emily some effort not to run down the path. Nevertheless, she kept up a brisk pace; the rest of the team following her. They had only walked for a few miles, when Emily noticed there was a cabin in the woods. She turned around and looked at Hotch; gesturing towards the cabin. He nodded and gave the team directions.

* * *

At the other side of the room, Will slowly regained consciousness again. He felt the cold floor beneath his body; the cold spreading through his body. He knew something was wrong; really wrong. His wrists were tied together, and so were his ankles. He laid face-down on the ground, so he tried to flip himself over on his side. He succeeded, but it cost him a lot of energy to do so. When his eyes were accustomed to the darkness, he saw a familiar person tied up in a chair.

"JJ!" He tried to shout, but only a whisper came out. His mouth felt dry, and he was pretty sure he had a concussion and a few broken bones and ribs, but it did not matter. It looked like JJ was unconscious, so he tried to wiggle himself in her direction; half dragging himself, half rolling over. When he was only inches away, he noticed there were red blotches all over her body. "JJ!" This time, his voice was louder. "Jennifer!" A scream.

He had to wake her up. He had to save her. She could not be dead, right? His kid.. He almost choked by the idea his baby would be dead. And his ex-girlfriend. Although he had been dumped by her only days ago, he still loved her. He tried to tip JJ's body with his feet, and eventually she moved. He still was not sure if she moved because she was coming round, or if she moved because he had tipped her.

When she opened her eyes, he sighed in relief. She was still alive, but he could tell she had a hard time breathing. When her eyes had finally found the man at her feet, she whispered. "Will." Tears clung to her eyes. He could tell she was anxious.

"Everything will be okay. They're gonna save us." Will tried to sound confidently. He had to comfort her. "Try to stay awake."

The moment he finished his sentence, they both heard footsteps approaching the room.

"What are you doing?!" The voice of Peters almost yelled, for the first time losing some of his control. He was angry. He hurried himself in JJ's direction.

"Leave her alone!" Will yelled as hard as he could. Peters turned himself in Will's direction this time.

"Aw, are you trying to save your girlfriend?" He feigned pity. "Well, I've got news for you. She's not gonna make it. It seems like she has allergies." He smirked as he kicked Will in his stomach, before rolling him on his back. He placed his boot on his face, pressing his nose until breaking it. Blood started streaming down his face.

"Stop!" JJ begged. Tears were streaming down her face. She had never been so scared. He would kill Will. And she would take her last breath only minutes, maybe hours later.

"Are you having a little anxiety attack, Jennifer?" Julian looked down on her, running his finger across her aching skin. It was still swelling, and it would not stop until she had a shot of epinephrine. "You know, anxiety is a sign of anaphylaxis." She closed her eyes and tried not to think of the pain she felt. She tried to control her breathing, but it was as if her throat was narrowing.

As if he knew, he moved his fingers to her throat, putting pressure on the reddened skin. She clenched her jaws as she tried not to scream. He put more and more pressure on it, almost choking her. Her eyes were still closed. If she were about to die, she would not give him the satisfaction of letting him see the light leave her eyes.

"STOP!" Will yelled. She heard a thud that indicated he had tried to kick Peters, but instead had hit the chair. The grip on her throat loosened and she heard Will groan. Her eyes shot open as she tried to figure out what had happened. Peters was straddling his body, squeezing his throat instead of hers. Will tried to struggle, but because his hands were still tied together, he could not do more than wiggle underneath Peters' weight. His eyes met JJ's once more, before he stopped moving altogether.

Terror dawned on her as she realized Peters had just killed Will right in front of her eyes. She had seen people being killed right in front of her. She had killed a man herself, only months ago. But this was different. This was someone she knew. Someone she had thought she loved. The father of her child. The man who got himself killed, just to protect her.

To protect their baby.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Chapter XVI** _

After one evil grin in JJ's direction Peters walked out of the room. The tears that she had spilled dried up. Skin that had been ravished by the wasp was hurting even more because of the salty fluids. Her whole body was aching, including her heart. Will's empty eyes gazed into nothing, the life choked out of him only minutes ago. She could not even fathom what she felt.

The world started spinning around. She closed her eyes to ban the feeling, but her head was whirling. Her breathing became more ragged and shallower with the minute. She tried to concentrate on her breathing, but her head started pounding. She felt trapped in her own head, trapped in the chair; the room. She felt like walls were slowly closing in on her, trying to pulverize her. She was slowly sinking into oblivion.

And then everything went black.

* * *

Emily kicked in the door of the cabin and stormed inside with the rest of her team close behind her. Everyone went their way clearing the wooden home; Emily taking the cellar. When she had opened the door and made her way downstairs, she saw two shadows in the darkness that had filled the room. She shone her flashlight in the direction of the two people and saw two familiar faces.

"JJ!" She exclaimed, hurrying towards her girlfriend, stuffing her hand in her pocket to obtain the EpiPen. She heard the voice of Morgan yelling that they had arrested the unsub, but the voice sounded very far away, not really reaching Emily's awareness. Right now, the only thing Emily could think of was JJ. She hoped it would not be too late. When she had reached the woman, she pressed her fingers to her pulse point.

There was a heartbeat.

Emily sighed in relief. She was not too late. She gave JJ a shot of epinephrine and waited. She had loosened the ties and took the smaller woman's hand in hers.

"Please.." Emily whispered, her voice even hoarser than usually. She vaguely heard someone walking down into the basement, approaching her, but she kept her eyes on the blonde. She needed to make sure she was okay. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face, softly grazing burning skin.

She heard more people entering the room. She figured those were the paramedics, and the rest of her team. It felt like minutes had passed by when JJ slowly opened her eyes. Blue met brown, and Emily's blood ran cold. Those eyes seemed so empty. It looked like Peters had sucked the life right out of her.

"Emily." She whispered. "Will.." She gasped. They were just about to bag up Will's body.

"Just breathe, Jennifer." Emily told JJ, placing her hand on the blonde's cheek, trying to be careful enough not to hurt her. "It's gonna be okay. You're safe now."

Morgan knelt down next to Emily. "Prentiss. They're gonna need to take JJ to the hospital. I talked to Hotch, and he said it's okay if you're going with her." He offered. She locked eyes with him for a second, and his eyes radiated concern. He squeezed her shoulder shortly before he got onto his feet again. Emily turned to JJ again, offering her to help her on the gurney the paramedics had told her to lie down on.

* * *

The rest of the day went on in a blur. Emily had stayed with JJ all throughout it. She needed some CAT scans to see if she had any major brain damage, but luckily, it had all been pretty minor. She had a concussion, so she had to stay the night for observation. Aside of the ligature marks on her wrists and ankles, the physical damage was very limited. Above all, her child was safe and unharmed.

Psychologically, she was definitely not okay, Emily figured. She had not asked about her feelings with all the people around her, because she had thought JJ would not like to be so mentally exposed to strangers, so she waited until they were alone.

The night was just falling in when one of the nurses they had met earlier that day checked up on JJ, telling them if they needed her, they could page her. She explained a few things to JJ about the procedures in the hospital, when she turned to Emily. Her behavior changed significantly into a more uncomfortable one.

"Miss.. Eh. If you'd like to stay.. We can arrange things.." She almost stuttered, so Emily gave her a comforting smile. She turned to JJ.

"Depends.. Do you want me to stay?" She asked the blonde, who nodded in response. Emily turned back to the nurse. "Well, seems like I'm staying." She smiled softly. "You don't have to arrange anything. That chair seems comfortable enough."

When the nurse had finally left, Emily pulled the chair next to the bed, so she could sit next to JJ. She took JJ's hand in hers and squeezed softly. "How are you holding up?" She asked, eyes filled with concern.

The blonde closed her eyes and sighed. When she opened them again and locked eyes with Emily, she saw tears. "I don't know." Her voice sounded shakier than normally. Emily knew she tried to be stronger than she felt right now. "It seems so unreal." A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Emily placed her hand on her cheek and wiped the tear away.

"You're allowed to cry, you know." Emily whispered. "After all what happened." She kicked off her shoes and situated herself next to JJ on the bed, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman, who laid her head on her chest, muffling her face into the fabric of Emily's sweater.

"It's just.." She sighed with a hint of a sob. "He's gone." Tears started to flow down her face. "He tried to save me." She sobbed. "He tried to protect me and our child."

Emily let her cry, stroking her hair. She wished she could take her pain away; to help her carry the burden. But she could not. The least she could do was listen to her, and give her a shoulder to cry on. She wanted to support the younger woman; to make her sorrows disappear. She wanted to kiss every aching part of her body; soothing her physical and mental wounds.

She wanted to be there for the woman she considered the best thing that happened in her life. She wanted to be there for the woman who made her a better person; whom she felt she loved deeply; an almost unfathomable feeling she had never ever felt before. She wanted to protect her from all the evil things in the world; to shield her from all the villains who tried to hurt her.

Never had she ever tried to picture a future with someone she had been with. Every person she had shared her bed with had just been another drunken mistake, or another failed flirtation. It had never been real.

But this was real. And so was JJ's pain.

* * *

The night died away as JJ's crying did. Emily did not sleep. She had instructions to wake up her patient every two hours due to her concussion. Next morning Morgan and Garcia came in to visit, although JJ was cleared to go home at the end of the day on one condition. She was not allowed to be alone, so Emily had offered to take care of her. Much to Emily's relief, the younger woman had accepted the offer.

"Jayje!" Garcia almost squealed when she entered the room. She hurried in her direction and placed a kiss on her cheek. "You scared the hell out of me yesterday."

In the meanwhile, Morgan took his place next to Emily. "So, how's she holding up?" He asked, eyeing the blonde from the corner of his eye.

"Her injuries are very minor. She'll be fine." Emily smiled, but it did not reach her eyes. Morgan clearly noticed.

"Has she talked about Will?" He shifted his weight to his other leg, locking eyes with Emily.

"She told me he tried to save her." She answered softly. "But she didn't give me any details."

"Sooner or later she's got to talk about it." Morgan acknowledged. "The ME told us that he's been strangled, like the other victims. Do you think..?"

"I don't know. She hasn't talked about it." She sighed, averting her gaze from Morgan. "But I suspect she was conscious when it happened."

"Can I ask why?" Morgan asked in response, frowning a little.

"It's just a feeling." Emily did not really tell the truth, but she did not lie either. She knew something had happened that caused the blonde to behave oddly. And she indeed suspected JJ had witnessed the whole thing, but she wanted to give JJ a chance to cope with it; to tell anyone. "Why are you here by the way?" Emily changed the subject.

"The unsub isn't talking, so we need to ask JJ a few questions." He explained. Emily bit her lip and eyed the blonde. She did not know if it was the right thing to do yet. But she also did not know if this was her 'concerned girlfriend' opinion or her profiler opinion. "You don't want us to ask questions, do you?"

Emily sighed. "I don't know, Derek." She looked at the object of their conversation again. Her eyes roamed over the slender form that belonged to Jennifer Jareau. "Maybe my judgement is just clouded."

"Maybe." Morgan admitted. "Maybe you're just behaving like a concerned girlfriend. Which isn't a bad thing, Prentiss. You know that." He added.

"Does PG know about us?" Emily asked, but just too loudly so Garcia could overhear their conversation.

"Who?" Garcia said, turning around as fast as she could, locking eyes with Emily. "Do I know about whom?"

Emily glanced at JJ. The brunette did not mind telling their wobbly colleague and friend, but she was not sure about JJ. She nodded to indicate that she was fine if JJ wanted to tell about their relationship.

"Us." The blonde answered the question. Garcia's attention shifted to her blue-eyed friend, narrowing her eyes.

"With us, you mean Emily and you?" She paused for a second, before grinning widely. "But that's wonderful! I always thought you'd fit perfectly together.."

"Wait, you didn't even know how I felt about women. I didn't even know myself." JJ had narrowed her eyes, eyeing Garcia suspiciously.

"Chemistry, my girl!" She exclaimed. "I totally ship it. The perfect combination of beautiful and cute and hot and sexy!" Morgan chuckled in response.

Emily shook her head in disapproval. "You two are the worst."

"That's why you love us." Garcia grinned widely. "Well, we have to go already." She said, squeezing JJ's hand one last time before standing up again.

"But.." Morgan tried to interrupt, but Garcia cut him off.

"We'll see you guys later. And try to keep your hands off each other." She teased before walking out of the room.

When everyone had left the room, Emily turned to JJ again. "Are you okay?"

"No.." JJ answered honestly, taking the brunette's hand into hers. "But I will be."

"I love you." Emily said as she placed a kiss on the blonde's cheek. "And I will try everything in my power to make you feel okay again." She promised as she stared deeply into blue eyes.

"I love you too." JJ said, sealing her statement with a kiss on the lips.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay. I was on vacation, and I'm currently a little busy due to college. So there's gonna be a little more time between updates (until chapter 20.. that it's gonna take even longer, since I still have to write from then on) I hope you're still satisfied with everything. About the time jump, no worries. I'm gonna get back at what happened in the mean time.. Just not yet :) Greetings..

**One month later**

It was still dark, but Emily was wide awake. She was lying on her side, watching JJ. She had been tossing for half an hour by then. Emily knew she was dreaming about Julian Peters and all the horrors that had happened to her the month prior.

It was not the first time. She knew she could not just wake the sleeping woman, because the first time she had tossed in her sleep, Emily had woken her. She had suffered from a major panic attack. Emily had almost been forced to call nine-one-one, but luckily she was able to calm the younger woman down.

It had almost been a month since they arrived home. JJ had moved into Emily's apartment, although they both did not know if it was only temporary, or a more permanent thing. The doctors in the hospital had told her it would be better for the attacked woman to have someone to lean on, all day long. Emily wanted to be JJ's pillar, so she had offered to stay with the blonde.

It had not taken long before JJ freaked out, in her home filled with stuff that reminded her of Will. At first she had not wanted to confess to Emily, but she broke down right in front of her when Emily confronted her about it. That was when Emily had packed some of JJ's clothes and dragged her to her own condo.

They told Hotch about their relationship a few weeks prior. They decided it was better to come clean about it, than them finding out about it another way. He told them that he would see what he could do for the two of them, but that he thought there were chances one of them got sent to another unit. He also stated that if their relationship did not cloud their judgment or affect their performance as part of the BAU team, it might be no problem. Emily was confident that it would be no problem, but since JJ was not back at work yet, there was no way to know if their relationship would affect their abilities to work well.

Emily was about to get up and go to the bathroom, when JJ gasped, shooting up straight. "Will.." She breathed, immediately wide awake.

"Sshht.. It's okay. You're here, with me. You're safe.." Emily comforted the alerted woman. Her eyes were wide open, her hair sticking to her sweaty face and neck.

JJ buried her face in her hands, sighing deeply, trying to banish the tears that were forming in corners of her eyes. She could not take seeing the father of her child dying again, the life squeezed out of him right in front of her. Was this what is was like to be a victim; to be a witness of someone's murder? Going through the same horrors in your dreams over and over again?

The six months pregnant woman stumbled out of bed, running to the bathroom, crashing down on her knees, dumping the contents of her stomach into the toilet. The combination of morning sickness and dreaming about death did not do good on her stomach. She closed her eyes and leaned on the toilet seat, still heaving. She felt two warm hands combing her hair behind.

The warmth of Emily's hands disappeared and not long after she heard water running. Seconds later she felt the older woman getting down on her knees, next to JJ, handing her a wet washing cloth. "You're burning up." She whispered. "Put this on your forehead."

JJ did as Emily told her to, still keeping her eyes closed. "I wish the dreams would stop." The blonde breathed, sounding more desperately than she intended to. She had not noticed herself doing it, until Emily's hand covered hers, that she was stroking her lower abdomen. When Emily thought JJ would not throw up anytime soon, she shifted behind the younger woman, pulling her in sitting position between her legs, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman.

The blonde gave in and leaned against the brunette, fitting perfectly into each other's arms. She longed for the illusion of safety, also if it only lasted for a little while. She needed to believe she was going to be okay. "You're gonna be okay." Emily whispered in JJ's ear, before placing a soft kiss behind her ear.

"How do you know?" JJ had not wanted to ask it, because it sounded weak, but she blurted it out before she could take it back.

"Because you're the strongest woman I know." Emily did not hesitate as she answered the question. She knew JJ had not wanted to say those words. She knew she did not want to show her weakness. "It's okay to be scared. That makes you human." The brunette reassured her.

The silence lingered over them as the minutes passed by. They did not move. JJ laid her hand on her abdomen again. She was barely showing, but most of her clothes were already too tight. The child inside of her was the daily reminder of Will. It was also one of the sources of her hope. Her hope that things would get better. She would be okay again. She would be a mom.

A mom.

The idea of herself being a mom terrified her. She had to take care of something so tiny and small, totally oblivious of the horrors this world could bring. She would get the chance to make it or break it. The chance to be a good mom or a bad mom, whether she liked it or not.

It did not terrify her in a bad way. It terrified her in the way like when she started working with the BAU. It terrified her in the way like she found out about her feelings for Emily. It terrified her in the way like she moved in with Emily. Things she had been scared of in the beginning, but turned out to be the best things in her life.

"You know.." JJ started, getting Emily's attention. "I'm not the strongest woman."

Emily frowned in response, not knowing where the blonde was going. "And why not?" She asked, a little oblivious to the statement.

"Because you are." She turned around in the other woman's arms, kissing her on the lips chastely. "When I first met you, I admired you for that. You never flinched at seeing the mutilated bodies of attacked and murdered people. You seemed so solid. And you are. You are my cornerstone.. the one I can lean on. One of the few reasons I'm able to move on is because of you."

JJ wrapped her arms around Emily's neck, pulling their foreheads against one another, looking deeply into brown eyes. "I love you." She whispered, before placing a kiss on the lips again. "And now we go back to bed, because in a few hours you have to go back to work again."

Emily still did not feel right about getting back to work again. A part of her wanted to stay back at home with JJ. But she also knew the blonde would be able to take care of herself. She needed to trust her. JJ still was not cleared to go back to work again, and it looked like it would take a bit longer. Maybe she would not be able to go back to work again before the baby was born.

Maybe that was better.

"Okay, come on." Emily said as she scrambled up, helping the woman in front of her getting up as well. "I have two hours left."

When they had settled back in bed again, JJ spooning Emily, the latter gave the former a quick peck on the top of her head, adding: "Oh, by the way, I love you too."

* * *

Almost four thousand miles away a woman closed the front door behind her. After checking the streets timidly she stuffed her hands deeply in the pocket and walked away.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mentioned it in the description of this story already, but I thought I'd better mention it before the chapter too. This is rated 'Explicit' for sexual content. So if you're not into that stuff, you can just skip the last part. :)

A dark haired woman showed her ID and boarding pass to an employee of the airport. He checked her information, and returned her belongings. He nodded and smiled, letting her board the plane. She sighed in relief. She made it. She walked towards Economy class, looking for her seat. When she finally put her luggage in the luggage compartment, she sat down, not allowing herself to relax yet, until the plane would take off.

She had never been fond of airplanes. It made her feel trapped, there was no way out. And now, when she had something to hide, the feeling was stronger than it had ever been. She noticed that her breathing accelerated; she was scared. She tried to focus on her breathing, trying to steady it again; trying to calm down. She needed to relax, trying not to behave suspiciously.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" A handsome man with blond hair had taken place next to her and looked at her with worry on his face.

She nodded in response. "Just a little afraid of flying." She mumbled.

"First time?" He asked, genuinely interested. She shook her head in response. "Well, if you need anything, you can ask me." He offered, flashing a bright smile.

"Thanks." She tried to return a smile, but she also knew that it would never reach her eyes.

She grabbed her handbag and looked for a magazine, so she could pretend she was reading. She was not in the mood to talk to a total stranger. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone, except one man that occupied the majority of her thoughts and dreams. The man she was completely infatuated with.

_Julian Peters._

* * *

"Well, everything seems fine." JJ's OB/GYN named Addison said as she removed the transducer from her lower abdomen. She turned the computer screen towards JJ and showed her the sonogram of her baby. "As you can see, it's a boy." She said as she wiped the gel of JJ's skin.

"Can I have a print of that?" JJ asked, blinking away some tears. Emily would have come along with her, but she was in Texas for a case with the BAU. She had intended to stay at home, but JJ had pushed her to go anyway. She could be alone at home. She could handle it.

"Of course." Addison smiled widely. "For the father?"

The blonde stared down at her feet, trying to control her breathing and act normally. A lump in her throat caused her to sound weaker than she intended. "He passed away."

"Oh, I'm so sorry for your loss." She stuttered, visibly shocked by the newly gained information. "Are you gonna raise him on your own?"

JJ did not know why this woman was so curious about her life, or maybe it was just because she was an OB/GYN and she needed to be sure the baby would be taken care of. She was slightly hesitant about answering personal questions, but she could not bring herself to lie either. "No." She did not want to elaborate any further, because Emily and JJ had not talked about the part that would come after pregnancy yet.

Apparently, the woman noticed JJ was uncomfortable with the subject, so she changed it again. "Well, I have to remind you that you have to eat for two now you're pregnant. Your son is a little behind on weight. Do you still suffer from morning sickness?"

JJ shook her head. "Rarely."

"Is there currently a lot of stress in your life?" She asked.

"A little." JJ answered, keeping her answers short.

"Can I ask what causes the stress?" She jotted something down on a form she was working through.

"About a month ago, I was abducted and tortured. The baby's father was killed by the man who kept me in his basement." She did not intend to sound so bluntly, but she could not hold herself back anymore. She kept talking, and she kept in mind that it could be important. "The doctors in the hospital I was admitted to told me my baby was fine."

"And are you fine?" She accentuated the word 'you'. "Have you been talking about these events? I mean, to a psychiatrist." The woman's face radiated concern.

"I haven't, no." JJ was chewing her cheek now. She was a little frustrated by the cross-hearing.

"I'll recommend you to do so, though. Stress wouldn't do good on the baby." The doctor wrote a note with a name and a phone number and handed it to JJ. "I know you're hesitant about looking for help, but I have to tell you that it's better for you and the baby to do so anyway. My predecessor wrote in your file you're with the FBI." She proceeded. "Are you still on duty?"

"Not at the moment." She shook her head. "I haven't been cleared yet."

"Alright." She said as she finished the form and handed JJ the sonogram. "Well, then I see you at the next appointment. And I really advise you to call the number on the note I wrote you. Even if you go once.. it just helps."

"I'll think about it." JJ finally gave in, suppressing a sigh. "Thanks for everything." She said politely, getting up and extending her hand to shake the OB/GYN's.

* * *

Half an hour later she turned the key into the lock of Emily's apartment. She was exhausted and could not wait to lay down a few hours before making dinner. When she opened the door, the alarm was already turned off and she noticed some things were out of place. She was almost sure that she had turned on the alarm when she left a few hours prior.

She frowned and closed the door behind her before inspecting the differences. Only a vase had moved, and there was a go-bag set on the floor. Emily's go-bag. She sighed in relief, and mentally beat herself up for being so paranoid. Nobody could enter the apartment without triggering the alarm.

She listened if she could hear Emily, trying to gather from it if the older woman was still at home or already gone, running some errands or something else. She was pretty sure that the other BAU member would never forget to turn on the alarm before leaving the condo, though, so when she did not hear a sound, she concluded she was taking a nap.

She walked towards the bedroom Emily and JJ had shared over the whole month and discovered a soundly asleep brunette on the bed. She had taken off her boots, but she had not bothered taking off the clothes she had clearly been wearing. She watched the brunette from the doorway. Instead of tense, like her muscles had been over the few weeks since JJ's abduction, they were relaxed.

Her face looked so free of concerns. JJ knew better than to believe Emily was carefree, but it was nice to see the woman so peaceful. She did not say it very often, but Emily worried a lot about JJ and JJ knew that. She knew the brunette wanted to help, and it drove her crazy that she could not do anymore than she was doing.

She thought about the phone number in her purse. Maybe it would not be a bad idea for her to look for help, to talk about the nightmares she was having, to talk about her attack. Maybe it would not be a bad idea to try and deal with her paranoia. It would help both Emily and JJ. Besides, JJ did not want anything else than to go back to work. The only thing that stopped her from going was that she was simply not ready to go back yet.

She tip-toed towards the bed, taking her shoes off before laying down next to her girlfriend. She stuffed her hand under her pillow and watched the older woman breathe. Listening to the even breaths calmed her down. It did not take long before she felt herself drifting off, exploring the subconsciousness of her mind in her dreams.

A few hours later she found herself curled up against the brunette. She opened her eyes and noticed said woman was still asleep. She moved up to soft lips, pressing hers against them. The woman beneath her opened her eyes sluggishly, looking into blue ones. She purred as she wrapped her arms around the younger woman's back, pulling her closer.

"I missed you." The brunette mumbled, who was obviously still sleepy from the nap she had been taking. "When did you get home?"

"Hmm.." JJ hummed, glancing at the clock. "Two hours ago. I missed you too. I'm glad you're back home." She kissed the brunette chastely, before laying her head on Emily's chest, listening to the woman's steady heartbeat. She felt like she could lie like that forever.

"Me too." She sighed, moving her hand up to JJ's hair and tangled her fingers with blonde strands, raking her scalp with her nails. "You know.. we shouldn't lie like this. I haven't had the opportunity to shower yet and I smell so badly."

"I don't care." JJ mumbled as she placed her hand on Emily's arm, circling skin with the tip of her index finger. "But if it's so important for you to be clean, I won't object to taking a shower together." She turned her head to face Emily and smirked.

"As if that will make me clean." Emily purred huskily. "If only, it makes me dirtier."

"Oh, does it?" JJ smirked, grazing her nails over the brunette's collarbone as she watched brown eyes turning black. "You really need to tell me more about that." She whispered, before connecting her lips with the ones belonging to the woman beneath her again. The brunette anticipated immediately by running her tongue across her lower lip, before sucking it into her mouth.

JJ's right hand snaked up Emily's chest, unbuttoning the brunette's shirt as Emily started to deepen the kiss. Their tongues explored each other's mouths as the brunette found the hem of JJ's shirt, pulling it up, until they had to break the kiss in order to take it off completely. Emily pushed the blonde smoothly down on the bed, putting herself on top of the woman.

"You like to be in control, don't you?" JJ smirked against Emily's lips as she wrapped her arms around the brunette's neck, before hungrily capturing her lips with her own again. A few seconds later she felt Emily's fingers fumbling with the button of her jeans. While doing that, the tips of her fingers raked sensitive skin, causing JJ to moan. "That hard to open it?"

"No, but I like to tease." Emily whispered in JJ's ear seductively, making the younger woman flush. "And I'm under the impression that you like it too." The younger agent let her hands wander over porcelain skin, scraping her nails across Emily's clavicles. It got her the response she wanted: the brunette's pupils had invaded almost both her irises. "And you sure know how to defend yourself.. attack is the best form of defense?"

"Uh-huh." She mumbled in approval, placing her lips between Emily's clavicles, leaving a wet kiss while her hands slid down the straps of her bra, before deftly reaching for the clasp to unhook said bra and throw it on the floor. Just when JJ was about to smirk smugly in Emily's face, the brunette slipped her hand underneath the material of the blonde's undergarments stroking the most sensitive spot of JJ's body, making the woman gasp. "You.." She yearned.

"What about me?" Emily purred, bringing her mouth up to JJ's neck, licking and nipping soft skin, until it was red and sore.

"You're sure you don't want to get rid of my pants first?" The blonde breathed, having to put some effort in forming a phrase longer than five words. The brunette agreed silently by making a trail of wet kisses down the woman's body, stopping right above the band of her jeans, so she could hook her fingers behind the denim material, in order to slide it down slender legs.

From there, she took the recently exposed right leg in her hands, placing feather-light kisses on her calf, starting to travel up, gently stroking inner thighs with the tips of her fingers, making the blonde draw ragged breaths. When her face was at the same height as JJ's, blue eyes met brown ones again, blue almost desperately drowning into brown like a silent plea for release.

The brunette yielded to the other woman's needs, and slipping her fingers between slick folds, teasing the blonde a little more by putting pressure on her clit, but not enough to push her over the edge. She kissed soft lips passionately, swallowing each and every moan the blonde was producing. When she thought the blonde could not hold it any longer, she plunged two fingers into her center, setting an exasperatingly slow pace as the blonde gasped at the sudden change of movement.

JJ ran her hands up Emily's back, dragging her nails over soft skin, leaving red scratches as the woman on top of her added another finger, speeding up the pace. The blonde arched her back, pushing her pubic bone against the palm of the brunette's hand, seeking more friction; searching for that last bit of extra stimulation that would do what she needed most.

The older woman finally succumbed to the younger one's wish and rubbed her thumb over the blonde's clit, almost immediately feeling her center clench around her fingers in response as her breathing stopped for a moment before letting the brunette's name cross her lips. The woman on top of her dragged out the climax as long as she could, until she finally removed her fingers, lying down next to her lover, pulling her closely, kissing the top of her head.

"I really missed you." She admitted softly, stroking the blonde's arm. "How did I get so dependent of your company?"

The blonde woman turned around to look her right in the eye, took her hand and placed it on her chest where her heart was situated. "Because you fell in love with me." Their eyes locked and for a moment it was quiet, until JJ broke the silence. "I think that this is what love looks like, Emily Prentiss."


	19. Chapter 19

Miles away, in the Toledo Correctional Institution, Julian Peters was waiting for a letter. He had been waiting for it for weeks. On the fortieth day of his imprisonment one of the warders finally brought him mail. It was the first time he received any in the time he had spent in prison. Before he was incarcerated, he had not had any family or friends. There had been only one person in his life.

He greedily opened the envelope that encased the desired letter, a smirk already plastering his face as soon as he recognized the handwriting. A grin that only grew wider as he started reading.

_Julian,_

_It's been taken care of._  
I'm starting with the last phase of our plan.  
I'll see you soon.

_Love, L_

There were only a few words scratched down with a certain conviction Julian could only be proud of. He had known this woman only for a few years, but he knew this woman would do everything for him. Anything. He ran his finger over the swirly 'L' at the ending of the letter, allowing his thoughts to drift off to a woman with dark hair.

He had never loved the woman like she loved him. It was a result of his thought that there had been something wrong with him compared to other people. Even when he was a little kid, he had never bonded with other children. He had been an outsider. A freak.

At home nothing was different from school. His father never loved him. He paid no attention to his son. When finally Julian was diagnosed with autism, he did not know how to deal with it. Julian had only been part of his own little world; every form of communication had been in his mind. Talking out loud was just something he did not do; but also something he could not do.

The day they started treating him for his disease, was the day he turned fourteen. In class he did not say any words, so people just assumed he was stupid. They bullied him, but after a while he got used to it. But the day he turned fourteen had changed everything. Therapy taught him to talk, but he never fit in anyway. Kids kept bullying him, so when he turned eighteen, and forced his father to tell him who his mother was by almost choking him to death, he decided to turn things around in his life.

He decided to take revenge on his birth mother; the person who took away his childhood. The woman that caused his father to hate himself, to hate Julian, and never to look at him again. The woman that made his life miserable. Isabel van Vliet, maiden name Walters. When he tracked her down, he found out she had a family of her own: two daughters and a semi-perfect husband. A perfect family he had managed to destroy ten years later.

And his endgame would soon be reality.

* * *

About an hour later JJ was in the kitchen, stirring a bowl of soup with a ladle, slightly absent-minded. She was not really thinking about a particular subject. She was just staring at the wall, drifting off in an emptiness she embraced dearly. Her mind had been on too many things that month, and that drove her crazy. She did not want to think about the terrible things that happened to her; she did not want to dwell on self-pity. She just wanted to be strong and forget about the horrors. She wanted to move on and go back to work again.

She wanted so much, but she could not bring herself to do the things she wanted the most. She did not want to look over her shoulders every time she walked through the streets. She did not want to check the whole apartment every time she got home. She did not want to be wondering if there was someone out there who could take her, or attack her, or would cause her any harm. She just wanted to go back to her old self again. She wanted to be guarded, but free in her actions. She wanted back the prudence that came with the job as an FBI agent, not the excessive way of a paranoid schizophrenic.

She jumped out of her thoughts when she felt the warm body belonging to a certain brunette she shared her bed with behind her, softly saying her name as she snaked her hands over JJ's body, wrapping her arms around the blonde as she pulled her flush against herself. The blonde closed her eyes and leaned against the older woman, enjoying the warmth of her girlfriend.

"How did your appointment with the OB/GYN go?" Emily asked before placing a soft kiss in the blonde's neck while softly stroking her abdomen with her thumbs.

"We're having a boy." JJ answered happily as she turned around in Emily's arms to kiss her on the lips and mirrored the brunette by wrapping her arms around her neck. When she noticed the brown-eyed woman looked oddly into her blue ones, she pulled her head back a little. "What's wrong?"

"We?" Emily's jaw dropped a little as she said the two-letter word, visibly astonished by the simple sentence that had just come from the blonde's mouth.

"I thought.." The pregnant woman uttered, not really sure what she wanted to say. Emily could tell JJ's eyes expressed anxiety. "Don't you want.." But before she could finish a normal sentence, Emily placed a finger on her lips, silencing her.

"Of course I want to." She smiled awkwardly. "It's just that.. I didn't know if you wanted me to. You didn't ask.."

The blonde let her hands slide down shoulders and arms, until her hands reached the hands belonging to the other woman. She laced her fingers between Emily's and locked her eyes onto brown ones. "Emily Prentiss. Do you want to be my son's other mother?" Her voice resounded a certain determination Emily had only heard when JJ was on the job.

Ever since JJ and Emily had gotten involved, Emily had doubts about the matter. She had known the blonde was pregnant, and that she was planning to keep it. She was going to be a mother. Emily had wondered if the younger woman wanted her to be involved in the whole ordeal; and if so, if Emily wanted to be involved herself. She fairly questioned her ability to become a mom; to take care of something so innocent as a newborn, while she herself was not at all. She knew the darkness this world could offer, and she did not know if she could raise a child in that same world.

Until a few years prior, Emily had wanted to be a mother. She had just not found the right person to do it with. Her love life was a mess. The wish to be a mother had never been that strong, so when she passed the thirty-five, she made peace with the thought that she would never be one. She had told herself that it would not fit her life anyway. Her work required a lot of traveling, so she could not take care of her child if she were gone.

Besides, JJ and Emily were officially dating for a little over a month, and Emily kept wondering if that was long enough for such a commitment. The two of them knew each other pretty well, thanks to the job, but also the nights out Garcia and them spent together. Emily knew she could not love anyone else more than she loved JJ, and she knew she would give this woman everything to make her happy again.

"Yes, I'd love to." Emily admitted resolutely. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, and ignored the sultry feeling in her chest. She was willing to shake off her insecurities in order to accomplish what she wanted the most: being with the love of her life and doing everything in her power to be hers too. As if the creature knew that he was talked about, the fetus kicked, making JJ reach for her lower abdomen.

"He kicked." She breathed, locking her eyes onto Emily's again. And Emily gazed back into those baby blues. And what she saw.. She did not even realize she was holding her breath, cherishing the moment like it was her last happy one on earth. JJ radiated happiness. Genuine happiness. A kind Emily had not seen in over a month. And when she thought about it, she had not seen it even longer than that.

She watched lips curl into a soft smile, wrinkling the skin beside her eyes. The blonde, still her eyes on the woman almost flush against her, led her hand down to the brunette's, guiding it to her abdomen. She placed it carefully on bare skin, making the older woman's heart flutter in her chest. The knot in her stomach unraveled slowly, falling apart and leaving no trace; like it never existed at all. Emily forgot everything for a moment, knowing that this was where she needed to be; where she wanted to be.

"He knows his other mom is here." JJ said softly, her eyes traveling from her abdomen to the woman in front of her and back again.

"I'll always be." Emily added, her voice hoarse with emotion. Her eyes were filled with tears. Not tears of unhappiness, or because she was sad. No. They were tears of joy. Emily almost never cried. And when she cried, the reason mostly existed between death and heartbreak. And on a very rare occasion she would cry during a movie or TV show. But those events were so sporadic, that Emily could not even remember the last time she had cried.

Hot tears rolled down her cheeks as she succumbed to the feeling; a warm feeling that spread through her whole body. Every bit of hesitation was washed away as she felt their son kick like a little soccer player. She closed her eyes and for a moment the only thing she felt was merriment and the sheer conviction that everything was going to be okay. That JJ would be okay again. That they would function as a family together. That maybe they would be dysfunctional, but none of it would matter, because they would be happy in their own way.

Emily finally felt like she was home.

She had been traveling all this time. Through her childhood she had come and gone, from city to city, due to her mother's work. She had never really settled. Even as an adult, when she had detached herself from her mother, she had never found such a place, or a reason to stay. Her work at the BAU had granted her a family. She had found people she would die for; that were connected to her in a way her own mother had never managed to be connected to her. And she was grateful for that.

But her apartment had never been her home. Her work had often kept her from her home, but never had she missed it. Sure, sometimes she craved for some privacy, or her own bathroom, or her own bed, but nothing else but comfort or solitude had been missing from her during those trips. She had been wandering around; looking for a home, and had found it in the same apartment. And she had found out that 'home' did not necessarily referred to a place. It could refer to a certain person; or people in plural even.

And that was Jennifer Jareau. Along with the baby she was carrying.

"I love you." Emily faltered, her voice ever so husky; ever so filled with emotion, but also with devotion. She had always been somewhat tentative in relationships; reserved and distant. She wanted to keep things to herself. That was just the way she was. But that month had been different. She had been in love with the woman for a reasonable amount of time, and somehow JJ had seduced her in a way no one had ever managed to do.

And she for her part had seduced the blonde. She had let the woman leave her boyfriend. The father of her baby. In order for him to be killed, only a few days later, trying to save the very woman that had abandoned him, trying to save his son. JJ had been there when it happened, and Emily knew it had affected her more than she would like to admit.

During his funeral, JJ had only gazed into nothing, her eyes empty. It was only days later that tears started to spill; when her nightmares came. Years of work at the BAU was not enough for Emily to  _know_  what to do, aside of just being there for her girlfriend. She wanted to take her pain away so badly; to ease the hurt that was still swirling through her body.

But she had also found out that you could not force wounds to heal. If you used too many stitches, you would do more harm than good; the scar would only get uglier. But if you did not use any at all, it might not heal at all. Emily's challenge was to find out just how much support she had to offer the woman to be of use; to actually help. And in that month, she had not known if it had been enough.

But now they were face to face, sharing an intensely happy moment, Emily finally knew she had done something right. She was partly responsible for the smile that decorated the face of the most beautiful woman she knew; a smile that was addictive. The brunette could not keep her eyes off of the other woman, completely succumbing to the moment; never wanting it to end.

"I love you too, Emily Prentiss." JJ whispered back, her voice almost as hoarse as Emily's.


	20. Chapter 20

The dark-haired woman was looking at herself in the mirror, combing her hair with a brush. Her thoughts had drifted off to darker places. There was a job that had to be done. A job that contained a deed she had already done before, but this time it was different. This time she did not have the help of Julian. She had to do it alone. And as hard as she tried, the lump in her throat did not disappear as she swallowed. The knot in her stomach only grew tighter. She had to come up with an idea to make the last phase of their plan succeed. And it had to be done fast. She could not risk getting caught with conspiracy before finishing.

She wanted to be the one to deliver Julian's endgame.

Nine years prior she had fallen in love with the man. And she had never ceased to love him any other day since the day she ran into him. The day they had met had changed her life. She had never felt alive before. She had been a ghost, going nowhere. No destination. She had her ambitions, but she did not own the skills to do anything with those ambitions. She was being overlooked by others. There had been no chance for her to develop herself in the ways she saw herself fit to do so.

She had been an average student. Her grades had not been the worst, but they had not been the best either. She did not excel in anything. Her parents were not proud of her, and she hated herself for that. And even more so, she hated her parents for not being proud of the child they had created. She was lonely. She was unhappy. She hated life itself. And she had always felt like she was the only one to feel that way, until she met Julian.

The day she met Julian.. The first time she saw him she knew he was the same. He had been cast in the same mold. She knew he would understand her pain and her problems. And he did. He understood her in ways other people had never understood her. And she loved it. She became addicted to the man. He became her life. Everything seemed to revolve around the man.

Even nine years later, now he was in prison, she was still willing to give him everything he would ever need. She still was not certain how she was going to do it this time, but she knew she would try everything within her strength to do so. She was obsessed with him. And she was well aware of that. It was just that she did not even care about that anymore. The only thing she cared about was that she wanted to make Julian happy. And it did not matter how hard it would become.

She was going to succeed, if it was the last thing she did.

* * *

"The OB/GYN gave me a sonogram of the baby." JJ said to an absent-minded Emily. They were situated on the couch, Emily having her feet on the coffee table, and JJ lying with her head in Emily's lap. Emily's hand was rested on her abdomen, softly stroking exposed skin with her thumb. JJ loved when she did that. Especially when she was not quite aware of the fact she was doing it. It soothed her in ways she could not describe with words. It was a confirmation that the brunette was in fact okay with the whole situation on a subconscious level. That she loved the baby, even if it was not biologically hers. Even if the father of that baby had been her ex-boyfriend. Her dead ex-boyfriend.

She sincerely hoped that nothing had gone too fast. That they had not developed an unhealthy relationship due to the things that had happened to them. Between JJ finding out about her sexuality, JJ's abduction and Will's murder, she thought Emily and her were doing very well. They had not had any major fights in the month they were living together, which was odd, considering the amount of time they spent together. That kept her wondering if Emily kept her disagreements to herself. She knew the woman that was holding her had a penchant for hiding her private life, so it was possible she was doing it now, too.

She knew she should just talk to Emily about her concerns, but somehow she could not find the heart to bother the woman with more than everything they had been dealing with; with another problem to be fussing about. Somehow she was afraid that it would be the last straw that would break the camel's back, and she could not shake that feeling in its entirety. She did not want to lose her girlfriend. Not ever. And she was going to do everything within her power to make sure she would have no reason to do so.

They were watching a random cooking show on television, which they mostly did after dinner. It was an habit they had developed over the last month. One Emily had already made hers decades ago. JJ herself could not care less about ten ways to use your salmon as a side dish, or the best way to prepare lobster. She knew Emily was not exactly the queen of the kitchen either, which made it very strange but adorable to her that the woman was so intrigued by the cooking channel.

Emily's eyes were fixed on the TV screen, clearly not having heard the remark JJ had made about a minute ago. JJ studied Emily's face, and even from her current position, she could see the lines around her eyes and mouth were barely visible. JJ knew they were a lot deeper once she was tense or nervous, so she concluded the brunette was relaxed and at ease. It comforted her to see her loved one like that. And at the same time, it made her feel relaxed too.

"Why do you love it so much?" JJ said, her voice and face drenched with amusement. She could not contain the smile that was playing around her lips, even if she had wanted to. Somehow she had finally earned the distracted woman's attention, her gaze roaming from the TV screen to JJ's face. She seemed to consider the question, a frown decorating her face. After several seconds of intense thinking, she decided she could not find any good reason to watch cooking shows, except to gather ideas.

"Honestly.. I have no idea." Emily replied. "It's just a habit I developed when I was a teenager. We had to travel a lot due to my mother's work as an ambassador, so I visited several foreign countries." She paused for a moment, but finally found the strength to continue. "I didn't have that many friends, so I spent a great amount of time at home, watching TV, reading.. Well, and when you don't really speak the language.. Cooking shows don't really require language skills, so.."

JJ could see Emily was not comfortable talking about her past. She had known the woman was a closed book when it came to history, especially hers, but she did not know it was more painful than she had initially thought. She scrambled up from her current position, propping her legs beneath her, facing the brunette. "You don't like talking about your childhood, do you?" She asked rhetorically, already knowing the answer. Somehow she hoped the other woman could open up to her a tad more than she did to everyone else, but she did not want to push her too hard.

Emily shook her head while closing her eyes, adding a soft 'No' to her gesture. She was quiet. JJ was quiet. Moments passed by as the two just sat in silence. But Emily's mind was not quiet. Not at all. Her thoughts had formed a whirlwind in her head, scenarios playing out in her mind. "During my time in Rome.. I did everything to fit in. Like every teenager wants to fit in." She choked. She swallowed, but the lump in her throat stayed nevertheless. "I got pregnant."

JJ's hand slipped into Emily's, squeezing tightly, trying to put into the gesture what she could not fathom into words at that moment. Apparently it worked, because Emily pursued her story. "I went to the hospital to have it removed.. Definitely not the best move when you're religious, might I add." She laughed humorlessly, her throat feeling like she had screamed for an impressive amount of time. "It's also when I decided never to do anything stupid trying to fit in anymore. Therefore the cooking shows. I know it's a ridiculous explanation.. But it's the sheer truth."

"I'm sorry." JJ breathed, her voice softer than she had intended. She did not realize she had spilled a few tears over the story, too distraught and bothered with the brunette; in combination with her pregnancy hormones. She knew it was not easy for the woman to talk about it. If anything, that was clear from the look on her face. And the woman had made a sarcastic remark, which had Emily's signature all over it when it came to outing her emotions.

"Jennifer." Emily whispered, her right hand finding JJ's left one once again, interlacing their fingers. Her eyes caught JJ's baby blues and she kept them locked, adding a sincere "It's okay."

But JJ shook her head. "Why do you always have to be so tough?" She bit her lip, trying to bite away the frustration over the fact that the other woman had dismissed her declaration of support. "You were pregnant. You had an abortion.."

"Yes, I did." Emily said, and JJ could tell she was hurt by the memory. But she could not fathom Emily's reaction to it. Why would she say it was okay when it was obviously not? "I don't want to underplay what happened. That's not my intention. Everything that happened to me around that time.. It's left their scars on my soul. I've changed a lot during that time. But you love me, don't you?"

JJ nodded. "Yes. I love you a lot, Emily." She said as she squeezed the hand she was holding.

"I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't made that mistake." Emily explained. "It's things like that that have the most impact on us, and on how we define ourselves. It changes the way we make our choices.. The way we think.. It changes our lives." She took a break from all of her words to let them sink into JJ's mind; to let her think through what she had just said. "Besides, we could be wishing to change the things that happened to us in the past.. It's never gonna happen. If I ever had the opportunity to go back in time, to the same place I were in that time, I would have done the exact same thing."

When JJ did not seem to understand what Emily meant, a very impressive frown decorating her forehead to indicate the lack of understanding, the dark-haired woman decided to elaborate. "Look, you'd do something else, because you know the consequences now, right? Well, if you go back in time.. You obviously don't have that information. You wouldn't have made that mistake in the first place if you'd known what would happen on the long run if you did. So, the only way not to make the same mistake again, is to have made said mistake in advance." She rattled. "It's a paradox.." She added. "And I totally sound like Reid right now, don't I?" She grinned when she saw JJ's face, her jaw slightly agape at the story.

"He would have been proud of your analysis of time traveling." She smiled amusingly. "But you do have a point." She admitted. "Though, if you don't mind.. I'd never be grateful for the things that happened in your past that hurt you deeply. As much as I love you today.. The person you are; the loyal, profoundly caring, brave, slightly sarcastic, but very funny woman.. I'd never be thankful for your scars."

"Good. That's how it should be." Emily said genuinely, smiling tentatively.

"Thank you for telling me this, Emily." JJ told the woman in front of her. "I know how hard it must be for you." She leaned in to peck the brunette on her lips, keeping her head less than an inch from the other woman's face, gazing into dark eyes. Dark eyes that were moving fast, roaming every piece of skin, every piece of JJ that was within her reach.

"Can I tell you another secret?" The profiler asked, smiling mischievously. When JJ nodded, she took all time in the world to tell what she was planning on sharing with the other woman. Her eyes slid to her own left hand, which she let roam JJ's right arm, up until she could cup JJ's jaw, her eyes following her own moves, before setting her gaze on blue eyes again. "About a month ago, when I told you I loved you.. I already knew you'd be the person I'd share my secrets with. The person I could trust enough with the knowledge of things that once hurt me badly."

"You really did?" JJ asked in surprise, a smile plastering her face, reaching her eyes. Emily adored when she smiled like that. She could look at the sight forever, so she would do everything she could to make the woman smile as much as possible. So she nodded in response.

"Yeah." Emily confirmed, a smile playing around her lips as well. JJ's was contagious, and addictive too. "I mean, I didn't know if you wanted the same things as I did.. Hell, I didn't even know if you loved me back. But somehow I was convinced you'd be the only one I'd meet in my life that could hold my heart like that. And I know it's gone all so fast. And that probably nothing about our relationship is normal. But I don't believe in fairy tales. And I love the thing we have."

"Hmm." JJ hummed, leaning against Emily's hand that was still cupping her face. "Me too."

Time passed by as they stayed quiet for an undetermined amount of seconds.. minutes.. They were both savoring the moment, cherishing each other's presence. But moments like these never lasted forever. Somehow, someway, they always had to end, and it could go either the wrong way or the right one. But this time, fate spared the duo. It was the right way.

"So the OB gave you a sonogram, huh?" Emily asked nonchalantly.


	21. Chapter 21

"So you did hear me." JJ replied, her voice amused. She tilted her head, in order to kiss Emily's lips chastely. "But to answer your question, she did. It's in my bag."

"Hmm, let's take a look at our most handsome little boy then." Emily said as she did not even show any intent in getting up from the couch. Instead, she pulled JJ in for another kiss, lips brushing against each other's, as her hand skidded to the blonde's neck, her fingers tangled in her hair. Her lips parted slightly, and she let her tongue run across JJ's bottom lip, sending chills down the younger woman's spine. Their tongues met for one brief moment, but before they could get wound up in more than just a touch, a kiss, they parted.

"I'm not a boy." JJ whispered, slightly out of breath due to the sudden attack on her mouth, but smirking mischievously.

"But you are handsome." Emily countered, grinning widely at her own clever remark.

"True." The blonde confirmed, nodding exaggeratedly, earning a loud snort from the other woman.

"Sure as hell means that I'm some sort of female Casanova then. For seducing you." Emily said, still smirking. Though she would not like to admit it, she liked it when the younger woman played cockily. She pecked JJ on the lips once more, before lifting herself off of the couch, walking to her front door, where she suspected the woman had dropped her bag when she had come home a few hours prior. And indeed, she found the bag, fetching it and walking back to the living room, where JJ was still occupying the couch. She opened the bag, and found a sonogram with a note.

Normally she did not nose around through other people's stuff without their permission, but the name of an unknown female caught her attention. "Hey, Jayje. Not that I'm complaining, but who's your girlfriend?" She asked teasingly as she waved the note she was holding between her index and middle finger right in front of JJ's face. It took her a few seconds to recollect the memory that belonged to the note, her eyebrows furrowed. That was until she realized what the OB/GYN had said.

"Oh, well, she's a real catch." She decided to keep the teasing going on for a tad longer, exchanging an impressive grin with the older woman. "What's her name again?"

"The note says her name is Dr. Beth Huffstodt." Emily read out loud, looking up at the blonde, analyzing her posture. "So I take it you're not dating her?"

"The OB recommended going to a therapist." JJ explained, her voice all serious by then. "She gave me her number in case I wanted to follow her advise."

"And do you want to follow her advise?" Emily questioned, sitting down next to her girlfriend, her gaze never leaving the woman. She actually thought it would be a terrific idea. The younger woman had not wanted to talk about all the things that had happened a month prior that often, and she knew she was still not handling it very well. There was only so much pretend could hide, and Emily knew the actions had caused more damage than JJ let her believe it had. The woman seemed to consider the question for a moment, before answering.

"I haven't given it much thought yet." She shrugged. "I guess it wouldn't do any harm, so maybe.. What do you think?"

"It's your decision." The profiler answered. "But honestly, I think it's a great idea. We both know that you're still having nightmares. Almost every night. And I'm almost pretty sure that the nights you're not having them, you're not sleeping either."

"How did you know?" JJ asked, slightly surprised that the woman had not mentioned it before, but from the other hand, she was not surprised at all. She knew the woman had a habit of taking care of her loved ones, and since she was living with the blonde, she could do extra surveillance. They were sleeping together, in the figurative and literal way, so it did not take major spy skills to know she was not sleeping well. She exchanged another look with the older woman, and knew she already had her answer. "I wish everything was different."

Emily reached for JJ's hand again, stroking her knuckles with her thumb. "And I wish I could make everything different for you. Better."

They fell silent. For minutes they just sat, not saying anything. "So you're not opposed to it?" JJ broke the silence between them, a little insecure about the whole therapy thing.

"Of course not." Emily answered softly, her eyes latching onto JJ's. "I know how much you want to return to the BAU, and this might be your shot at that. It might be good to have a soundboard, to just tell someone the whole story, and to tell you how you feel about everything. Someone who's not me, or Garcia, or anyone else you love. And don't think I don't want to know or hear about anything, because believe me, I want to know everything about you, as long as you want me to know them. It's just that I love you, and can't give you the same advice as someone who doesn't know you, doesn't care about you like that. Therapists look at it a whole different way, and it's their job to listen. It might be easier for you.." Emily voiced her thoughts.

JJ nodded in response, contemplating everything Emily had just said. Maybe the brunette had a point. Maybe it would help her get less anxious and paranoid. She still had not told Emily the whole story. Not anyone. Julian Peters was behind bars in that very moment, but there was a chance that she had to testify against the man during trial. The prosecutor had already told her that they would do everything for JJ so it would not be necessary for her to do so. But if it had to happen, she needed to be ready.

"I'm gonna give it a chance, then." JJ decided, adding a sigh.

"Good." Emily reacted, placing her lips on the blonde's, before pulling back a little. "And remember that I stand behind every choice you make. As long as it's not self-destructive." She quickly added.

"Thanks." JJ said, smiling softly. "And for the record, you are making things better for me."

The brunette's lips curled into the brightest smile JJ had ever seen, heavily blushing as she responded with a slightly astounded expression on her face. "I do?"

"Hmm, yeah." JJ hummed, her hand snaking around the back of Emily's neck, softy ruffling the little hairs in her neck with the tips of her fingers. "It's been a rough time. You were wonderful."

"Thanks." Emily responded sheepishly, not really knowing how to cope with such overload of compliments. JJ saw it, and cupped the brunette's cheek with her free hand, pulling her in for a kiss. Both their eyes fluttered closed as they sank into the kiss, their minds shutting down from every thought that was still occupying their minds. When they finally parted, their foreheads still touching, Emily could not hold back another "I love you," earning another smile from the blonde. "You know that I would do a lot to make you happy, right?"

"I know you go through a lot for your loved ones, so may I tell you that I'm not surprised?" JJ grinned, a smile so addictive, that Emily could not stop watching it, nor stop smiling herself. And hell, what she would do to conjure up that smile the rest of her life.

"You may." She fell silent for a few seconds, but then added: "May I ask you to snuggle on this couch the rest of the evening?"

"Hmm, I have to contemplate that one." The blonde teased, sitting up straight as she brought her hand to her chin, as if thinking deeply. Emily titled her head and pouted, which was something JJ had only seen once before, but it was definitely a face she could get used to. She kept a straight face, but the longer she stared at Emily's adorable face, the harder it got. Eventually the corners of her lips started to twitch, not able to contain a smile anymore. She pecked the brunette on the nose before wrapping her arms tightly around the older woman, half-tackling her, falling backwards in the cushions of the couch.

"And you call me geeky." Emily chuckled. As a matter of reaction, the dark haired woman snaked her arms as far around the blonde's back as possible given the position she was in, overloading her face and the rest of JJ that was within her reach with kisses.

"To be fair.." JJ tried to form words while she was submerged by Emily's kisses. "Things like this make your geek-o-meter go wild."

Emily stopped for a moment, raising an eyebrow. "Geek-o-meter, really?" She asked with an amused tone in her voice, a smile playing around her lips.

"Yes." The woman on top said, her eyebrows raised as if she wanted to imply that it was a perfectly normal word. "I've spent too much time with you." She paused for a moment, giving Emily time to let sink in what she had just said. "Oh, let me rephrase that. I've spent a lot of time with you. There's no 'too' in spending time with you."

"Oh god, Jayje." Emily snickered, rolling her eyes in the process. "That's really one of the cheesiest things someone's ever said to me."

"But I bet it's never been someone as cute as me." JJ joked, flashing a toothpaste smile. but before she could add another clever comment, Emily closed the already almost non-existing gap between them, kissing her fiercely.

* * *

**At an unknown time, an undetermined amount of miles away from Emily Prentiss' condo**

The dark haired woman jammed a crowbar in the crack between the door and the doorpost, putting all of her weight against it. After yanking back and forth, she finally heard the loud cracking of the wood, indicating that she had broken the lock out of the doorpost. The cabin had been sealed ever since Julian had been captured by the FBI, but the woman figured that the case was either closed or cold, and that no one would come and look for her in the cabin.

She pushed the door open, quickly scanning the very few rooms of the cabin. Everything was a mess, probably due to the investigation. But she had not come to camp out. She had come to think. She had come to sort out her thoughts, and conjure up a plan. A plan to succeed where Julian had failed. Determinedly, she walked to the basement, letting her eyes adjust to the darkness.

The chair Julian had used to restrain his victims had fallen on its side. It had probably been knocked over the day they arrested him, and saved his last victim. Only it would not be his last victim. There had been two more. That was something the dark haired woman had taken care of. Finally had she been able to show her dedication to him. How connected she was to his job. She had admired him, and she had been happy to be at his side. Without her, he would not have been able to capture the number of victims he had caught. His body count would have been lower.

She wondered if he would have been able to be still out there, capturing and torturing, if he had not been that reckless, but she shook off the unwelcome thought. She did not need to question her mentor. She came to finish what he started, and she needed to stay focused. She could not make the same mistake as he made. She turned to the duffle bag she had dropped a few feet behind her, opening it, revealing a stack of photos and a roll of tape.

She carefully put the first photo of his first victim, Stacy Robinson, on the wall, as she thought of that day only months ago, that she had caught her by surprise. She had not even been able to scream for help, and she had already bashed in her head with the back of her flashlight. It had almost been too easy. But she then figured that someone who taught children for a living could not be that much of a fighter.

The next picture was the second victim, Lauren Mellow, a shop-assistant that had always annoyed her. She would have made the chase a little harder for herself, if she had not lost control and again had beaten her prey, this time with a crowbar. The dark haired woman closed her eyes and thought about the moment that the metal hit the woman's skull, silencing her in an instant.

The third victim had been Iris Boswell, a lawyer. And the woman had put up a fight. She had run and when the dark haired woman had finally been able to capture her, she had started hitting her, kicking her. But the woman would never let her prey win. No. She would play with it for a little while, giving it the idea of being able to escape, and then she would strike. So she had deftly thrown the woman over her shoulder and had slammed her into the nearest wall. A few curt blows to the head, and also this woman had been reduced to silence.

The dark haired woman smiled to herself as she turned to the stack of photos again. The fourth had been one of his most important kills, a target he had established ages ago. He had hated the woman, with everything he had. He had made her suffer like none of his other victims. It had been the first victim he had insisted on capturing himself. She understood. She glanced at the photo one last time, letting her gaze linger for a few moments, before turning to his only victim of opportunity.

Julian had not been able to wait. Regina Romany had crossed his path, and he had decided that it was time for another victim. He had been sloppy, made mistakes. He should have asked the dark haired woman if she had wanted to take care of his newest targets. Besides, he had been identified by the cops. It had been too dangerous to wander through the streets, let alone snatch someone from them.

So the dark haired woman had taken care of it again, this time a man. At first she had not understood what it meant. Why change to men? But then she understood that it was the boyfriend of his real target: Jennifer Jareau. Initially, she had not understood why he wanted to kill again. His mission had been accomplished, he had killed the woman he had wanted dead. But it was not over. When she posed as a hospital staff member, and called in the blonde woman, capturing his newest target, she had noticed the woman had looked like a certain woman, and she immediately concluded that his whole mission was to kill off the Van Vliet family, to ruin them.

But he was not able to travel to the Netherlands anymore. The FBI knew who he was. He could only stay in his cabin, and hope that they would not find it. Somehow they did, saving Jennifer Jareau and capturing the captor. And they had thought the case was closed. They had caught their killer. The dark haired woman played with the idea in her mind. The idea that they did not know there had been an accomplice.  _Fools._  She murmured to herself.

She had flown to the Netherlands to kill the two oldest members of the Van Vliet family. They had been sleeping, peacefully, until she came. She had covered their mouths, one by one, strangling them to death. She had brought a gun, but the anger had overtaken her, and eventually she had done the job with her bare hands, seeing the despair in their eyes, as life slowly faded out of them. She finally put their photos on the wall as well, finishing the 'wall of victims', as she liked to call it in her head.

At last, she turned to the picture with a blonde woman with blue eyes. The woman that had survived. She had made a promise to Julian. She would end this woman, if it was the last thing she did. She only had to figure out how..


	22. Chapter 22

JJ was sitting in the waiting room, awaiting her appointment with psychologist Dr. Beth Huffstodt. She was little more than nervous, which she did not like to admit to herself. She did not like the prospect of talking about her life, about her feelings, to a stranger. But then again, she did not like to talk about those things to people she knew either.

She had tried to talk to Emily, about everything that bothered her, but somehow she could not burden her girlfriend with anymore than she already had to deal with. So now she was occupying a seat in the practice of a woman who was trained to talk to people, to counsel them.

JJ slightly flinched when a dark-haired woman called her name to invite her into a homely office for her appointment. When JJ's eyes caught the woman, she immediately noticed the psychologist looked exactly like her girlfriend, and she knew that would be a challenging thing for her. She somehow did expect the woman to sound the same, but on the contrary, her voice did not sound like Emily's at all. It was much higher pitched than her girlfriend's and it lacked the – what JJ liked to call it in her head – sexily husky tone.

She scrambled up from where she was sitting and walked to the woman to shake her hand. As a matter of courtesy, she introduced herself, as well did the psychologist, before entering the office. The other woman gestured at a couch facing a chair that was – what JJ considered to be – the psychologist's, so JJ took place on the couch, sitting down somewhat uncomfortably.

"Before we start, I want to tell you that everything you say will be confidential and will stay that way. Nothing leaves the room, unless you want it to." The woman began her procedure. "I don't judge, so don't be afraid to tell me things you consider to be 'strange', or anything else."

JJ knew the woman was not one of those psychologists who use chic words and tend to be somewhat narcissistic. This one was very down-to-earth, trying to keep everything as easy as possible, which comforted her on some level. JJ nodded to indicate that she understood what the woman had said and that she agreed with it.

"Everything will go on your terms. If we touch a subject you don't feel the urge to talk about, just let me know. If we're going to fast, just let me know. Just remember, everything will be at your pace." She continued, granting the blonde a small – but nevertheless a warm – smile, which JJ could not resist smiling back at. Her nerves had not entirely calmed down, but the sultry feeling in her chest was rapidly fading.

"Thanks." She said at the little speech, her eyes latched onto the other woman's eyes as she spoke.

"Alright. Well, now we established that, why don't you tell me a few things about yourself, maybe even why you're here?" The brunette offered, resting her hands on a clipboard that she was obviously using to take notes. The blonde had not even noticed, but she was fiddling with her fingers as she tried to find a way to start the real part of her appointment.

"I am Jennifer Jareau, but most people call me JJ. I'm thirty weeks pregnant with my child." JJ started, a little smile playing around her lips as she mentioned her baby.

"Congratulations." The woman said cheerfully, returning a smile of her own at the statement.

"Thank you. I work with the FBI as a communications liaison, for the BAU." JJ continued in her 'let's get this over with' manner. Now she had found her pace in telling about herself she did not want to distract herself from it by talking about her baby.

"BAU?" The woman asked, a questioning look plastering her face.

"Behavioral Analysis Unit. We study the unsub's behavior, and use it to catch them." JJ explained, feeling a little more at ease now she was talking about something she knew everything about, and above all, that was not really about her.

"Unsub?" JJ could tell the psychologist was genuinely interested, and if not, she was very good at playing as such.

"Unknown Subject. Mostly arsonists, abductors or murderers." The blonde answered. "Predators.. The worst a human being can offer." The other woman nodded in understanding at the clarification.

"Do they haunt you? The cases?" She questioned after jotting down a few words on her clipboard, setting her eyes on the blonde when she asked the questions.

"Sometimes. The last one I took care of haunted me in particular." JJ replied politely, but knowing that they were at the part where she had to talk about her experiences with Julian Peters.

"I take it that's the reason you're here?" When JJ nodded, she simply added the question: "Do you want to talk about it?" JJ considered not telling, because that was her first instinct when it came to the case, but since the sole reason she had come to the mental doctor was that particular case, she started talking anyway.

"About a month and a half ago, we got a case in Toledo, Ohio. Three woman had been found, strangled to death. We found out the unsub held them for several days, and tortured them. Using a wasp to sting them. After those days he murdered them and dumped them. Long story short, I was his sixth, or seventh if you take my ex-boyfriend into account, victim." Her words were a mix of bitterness and anger, leaving a bad taste in her mouth. She paused for a moment, looking for the right way to put so many events in as few words as possible.

"The sad thing is.. I broke up with him only days prior. He was abducted by the unsub, to lure me out. To get me. And.. he was killed.. Right in front of me. I was having an anaphylactic reaction to the stings.. I was in shock and I was near to death.. The unsub had his hands around my throat already.. instead he died. To save me.. And the baby." JJ was subconsciously rubbing her lower abdomen as she stumbled the words, tears welling up in her eyes, but her voice still steady enough to continue. "I would have been dead if it weren't for my team. They saved me. Emily.. She saved me." She paused for a little longer, needing the time to get her voice straight, to keep her mind calmer than it was, trying not to freak out in its entirety.

"I'm very sorry for what happened to you, JJ." Dr. Huffstodt said, her voice soft and low. There was no trace of pity on her face, but JJ could tell she was genuinely sorry. She was grateful that she did not show any signs of pity, because she wondered if she was able to take it. "Take all the time you need."

JJ nodded and closed her eyes for several seconds. "I had fallen for another person.. I realized that I didn't love him. I'm pregnant with his child, so I tried to deny it, but you can't just ignore your feelings like that. Somehow there always comes a moment when you have to face those feelings.. those lies you're telling yourself. And it will explode in your face at once."

"Is her name Emily?" She earned another nod from the blonde, along with a somewhat questioning look on her face. "It's my job to pay attention." The brunette explained as she gave the other woman a small smile. "The way you just mentioned her name.. The fact that it's the only person you called by name since you walked in here.."

"She's part of my team. I've known her for almost two years now. We were friends first. But.. When we were in the Netherlands due to the case, she ran into one of her exes.. A woman. And that evening she finally admitted to me that she was bisexual. Which she hadn't told anyone, except of her exes, of course. Well.. I admitted to her that I used to think a lot about that, that I wondered what it would be like with a woman. It's such a silly thing to say, I'm aware of that, but like I said.. I was in complete denial. It was only when I kissed her that I realized how wrong I had been.."

"About your sexuality?" Dr. Huffstodt asked.

"Maybe.. Or the fact that I was overlooking my love for Emily in order to pretend to love Will." JJ explained. "It wasn't just kissing a woman.. It was more than that." She tried to find the right words to express how she felt. "It felt like home." She breathed. "And it all went so fast. I was so confused. I told Will that I couldn't be with him anymore.. that I didn't love him like that.. And he took it well, considering the fact that I was leaving him. Not long after that Emily and I slept together, and only a few hours later, in the middle of the night, I got a phone call from the hospital. Or what I assumed to be the hospital. They told me Will had been in an accident. So I just thought that if I'd go there and call his family, I could leave as soon as I got there. I just left a note on the nightstand and went outside.. And the next thing I know is that I was strapped into a chair, the creep we were chasing for days staring at me, grinning victoriously."

After taking a few more notes on her clipboard, the psychologist looked up again. "Do you have nightmares?" When JJ nodded, she added: "It's normal to have nightmares after events like these. Do they deprive you from sleep?"

"Sometimes. I don't sleep well, due to the job. It's hard to dream about unicorns and rainbows and other happy things when you know what humankind is capable of. I have to confess though, that it's gotten worse after the abduction. My obstetrician referred me to you at my last appointment. The baby is a little behind on weight. I don't eat as well as I did before my attack either."

"Are you concerned about hurting the baby?" The psychologist put into words what had been in the blonde's head for several weeks now, making her ponder about the question a little harder.

"I don't think Emily would let me do that. And I'm trying to do everything within my power to avoid that." JJ finally answered. "That's why I'm here. Talking about what happened. I thought maybe it would help me coping with what happened.."

"It's a good thing that you did. I know that it can be hard for someone in your position to do so. It takes courage to admit that your problems have gone out of your control and seek help to solve them." Dr. Huffstodt complimented JJ.

"Thank you." The blonde answered, a faint blush coloring her cheeks.

"Do you think, that when you say 'coping with what happened', you only mean the abduction itself, or also the guilt?" The brunette chose her words carefully, but went straight to the point, suspecting that the source of the blonde's discomfort and nightmares was the guilt, and by seeing the look on the woman's face, she could tell she was right. She had caught the woman off guard, but her eyes reflected familiarity.

"I think.." She started with a certain courage she had tried to muster up, but clearly failed when tears threatened to spill. "He shouldn't have been there." She finally resigned, succumbing to the tears, letting go of a few, quickly brushing them away. "It should have been me that died." She choked. "Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I'm alive. I'm grateful that I'm having a baby and that I'm with Emily. But.."

She fell silent, trying to find the words that described what she was trying to tell. "He saved you after all the pain you've inflicted on him. After all of it, he still gave his life in order to save you and your child, am I right?" Dr. Huffstodt offered, trying to help the woman resume with her analysis.

"I didn't deserve it." JJ prompted in all honesty, a little surprised by her own words. "He gave me everything. He was going to give up his career to be with me and our son. He was going to take care of him. He was going to grow old and die of old age, happy, with a family. He deserved that. He was a good man. Instead, he died unhappy. He died. He knew that he would never be able to see his son grow up. He knew that the woman he loved would live with another woman, and would never be his. He deserved another chance at happiness, with another woman. He deserved to spend time with his son. And he's never going to have that." Once her emotions got out, she kept rattling, her words not as coherent as they were once she was on a case; once she was interviewed by the media or had to debrief her team. "He died unhappy, and it is my fault." Those words were nothing more than a whisper, her voice raw with emotion. She had not even bothered to wipe away her tears anymore.

"Sometimes the guilt we feel isn't in the right place." The doctor explained. "The only one to blame is the man that murdered him." She paused for a moment, to let her statement sink in, but she knew it would take time for the blonde to let go of the guilt. It would take time to heal the wounds that were still so fresh. It would be hard for her to accept that she had a chance of being happy, and Will had not. "I didn't know him, but it's obvious that he loved you and his unborn son. He wanted you to live. He wanted you to be happy."

JJ nodded slowly, contemplating the words. Even after they had broken up he had tried to make her happy. He had given his life, the biggest sacrifice he had made, and would have been ever able to make. She could not let his death be in vain. She had to move on. She had to learn to deal with it, and she knew it. It would not help her to keep blaming herself for what happened. It would not help for her to deprive herself from happiness. "But even if it's not my fault, how would I be able to forgive myself for what happened to him?"

"Not if, JJ." The woman made sure to remind her that she was not to blame. "It's the murderer's fault. And I have to be honest with you. It won't be easy and it's going to take time to get over it; to learn to live with everything that's happened, to heal. But you will. You are a strong woman. I can see it in your eyes. I can see that you've been through your share of horrors, and yet managed to stay alive. Yet you've managed to keep on going, hunting other people's horrors. But now it's about yours, and you know what it does to others. You're in their place this time, and you don't feel comfortable in their place. You know your place. That's where you shine. Normally you would tell them that it's not their fault, but now you have to be told. And as hard it is for them to believe your words, it is hard for you now to believe mine."

JJ nodded slowly in response, not sure what she should say. She was suddenly getting very emotional and exhausted at the same time. She glanced at the clock, seeing that her time was almost up, and she was thankful for that. If she were to talk about the rest that bothered her, she needed a few days to get her thoughts straight, to consider what she wanted to tell and what not. This was outside of her comfort zone, and she needed to get accustomed to that. Normally she was good at communicating, thanks to her job as a communications liaison, but this was different. Talking about her weaknesses and problems, about her feelings and fears, it was just not something she easily talked about. It made her feel exposed.

"You're right. It is hard for me to believe those words." JJ admitted. "And it's not.. I can see why it isn't my fault. If it were my case, I was working on it, and someone else was me, then I'd say the exact same words." The blonde-haired woman explained, her eyes trained on the wall behind the psychologist, phrasing her words hesitantly. She was not sure how to explain the thoughts in her head, but she was trying to fathom them into words, hoping the other woman would understand. "It's just not what I'm feeling.. Yet."

"We'll get you there." Dr. Huffstodt said, confidence about the matter clearly evident in her voice. "You have a lot to make it worth the fight. And I know that you're aware of that. She averted her gaze to the clock, seeing that they were overdue five minutes already. "I'm sorry to say that it's time to end this appointment, but you're welcome to come back next week, same time." The brunette got onto her feet, waiting for the blonde to do the same, before shaking hands. "I also want you to think about joining group sessions. I have a group of people with similar problems that gets together every week, and there's one spot left. You don't have to decide immediately. If you want in, I'll hear it next week."

"I will contemplate the offer." JJ replied. "For now, I'll see you next week."

"Likewise. Have a good week, JJ."


	23. Chapter 23

JJ parked her car on her usual spot in the parking garage underneath the building where Emily's condo was situated, turning off the engine and pulling her keys out of the ignition. Her way home had been on auto-pilot, her head still a little dazed by her appointment with the psychologist. She was not quite sure how to feel about opening up about her abduction. She had not realized she felt so guilty before she had left a few hours prior, and she did not quite know what to do with the new-found information.

It was true. She felt guilty, and it kept her from giving into the happiness she could have. She had to admit that it was not only the guilt that kept her from doing so, because she was also paranoid and anxious the biggest part of the day, but guilt was the greatest of her problems, and she figured that would be the first thing she should fix.

With a hint of defeat, she buried her face in her hands and let the tears flow once again. She blamed her pregnancy hormones for being that weepy. But she could not deny something had snapped within her that day. Somehow she felt broken. She had felt broken more often than regularly over that same month, but this time it collided with the awareness of her guilt and exhaustion. She was just tired. She wanted to collapse on a couch and sleep for thirty years. She knew it would do no good, but the idea resounded through her head, seductively flirting with her, tempting her to do so.

Sleep. The beautiful state between life and death, where she did not have to be aware of anything. And not the kind she was having lately. Lately she did not sleep. She had nightmares. Her mind was set on reliving Will's death over and over again, until she would go crazy. Some part of JJ already thought she had lost her mind, but at the same time she could not stop the fight with her own guilt-ridden mind, with her nightmares. She could not yield to the anxiety; not without trying to withstand it. She had to be strong, for her, for her baby, and for Emily.

JJ got ripped out of her breaking moment as she heard another car approach, searching for a parking spot on its own. She quickly wiped away her tears and fixed her face and hair in the rearview mirror as best as she could. After taking a few deep breaths and giving a mental pep talk to herself, she found herself ready enough to resume her journey back home.

Ten minutes later she turned her copy of Emily's key into the lock of their condo. It had taken JJ some time to get accustomed to the 'their' instead of the 'Emily's', but she had finally managed to call it her home too. Emily had insisted her to do so, and eventually JJ had given in. They were not officially living together – at least, as official something like living together can be – but they were doing well and none of them was planning on changing their situation anytime soon.

When she closed the door, she leaned against it, sighing in sheer resignation, and for the nth time that day, she felt the tears fall, trickling down her cheeks. And she let them. Slowly, she slid down the door, until she was sitting on the cold ground, wrapping her arms around her legs, burying her face in her knees. But it did not matter. Nothing mattered in that moment. The fact that her clothes were wrinkled, and that her make-up stained her face.. nothing mattered.

The memory of Will being strangled to death flashed through her mind, his empty eyes staring at her like they had done more than a month prior, but she felt the accusation in the gesture this time. Her throat seemed to close, and breathing became very hard. She thought she was about to choke, but not quite yet. Her heart was pounding in her chest, about to explode, but not quite yet. The tears were coming so quickly, that she could barely see anything in front of her. She faintly heard Emily calling her name, but it was not until she came rushing to the younger woman, falling down on her knees next to the distraught woman, pulling her close to her, that she noticed how concerned she was.

"Jayje." She just whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around the broken woman. "It's okay. Just cry." No words were needed to explain to her that the therapist had broken through a wall that surrounded the blonde for over a month. She understood. She had been in the younger woman's shoes before. She had been so broken, that she could not stop crying, that the tears were coming, even if she fought them hard. In the end, sometimes she would even forget why they were there, losing their meaning. But this time, she knew why they were there. The horrors had finally gotten through to the woman. Not that they had not before.

Her whole life had been about her abduction by Julian Peters and Will's deaths over the course of six weeks. Emily noticed how she was more cautious than before, how she was more paranoid in her movements. She saw her look over her shoulder, making sure no one was following her, and she knew that the younger woman only wanted to leave the apartment if it were necessary. And if she were to leave the apartment, she would rather not be alone. Emily could not blame her. She understood. Her appointment with Dr. Huffstodt had been a breakthrough. Not only was she looking for help, but she had left the apartment, alone.

Emily had been there. She had been the one to look twice over her shoulder. She had been the one that cleared every place she got to. She had been the one that screened people's backgrounds. It had been one of the reasons she had become a profiler. She was taught to read people, and she had become good at it. It was one of the reasons she felt safe enough to move around people, but she never entirely trusted them. She had learned that the only person she could really trust was herself, and she imagined JJ was currently in that place. She had a chance of becoming the person Emily was in that moment, and the older woman wanted to do everything to stop that from happening.

She wanted to keep JJ from losing her innocence. Not that there was loads of innocence left when one worked for the BAU, but considering everything they went through, JJ had still preserved a part of it within her. Emily had always kind of envied that, because she had lost the biggest piece of her innocence at a young age, and later on when she was an adult. And she could not stop to wonder what her life would have looked like if she had not been through the things she had been through. Would she be part of the BAU? Would she be holding the woman she loved with so much of her heart that it made her believe that there still were scraps of her innocence in her soul? That she could love, and be loved. That she could take care of another person, and a child in particular. That she could be genuinely happy.

JJ had crushed her belief that she only walked around on this planet to help other people. To fight their demons. To protect them from all evil. To avenge the cruelties that other people had done to them. She had believed that she could never be happy, but made her life worth it by conjuring up a smile on someone else's face, to make other people happy and feel like they were safe. And it had been enough. She had reconciled herself to her fate.

And still, after all the compromises she had made, she had gotten everything she had thought she would never have, and she would do everything to hold on to that. She would do everything to make her girlfriend and their son happy, even if she had to walk to hell and back. She would try and move mountains if they asked her to do so, because she deemed herself lucky enough to have them in the first place.

"I don't even know why I'm like this.." JJ sobbed, not being able to stop the tears from coming. She had no control over them anymore.

"Just let them flow.." Emily whispered, stroking JJ's hair soothingly. "Even if it's gonna take three years until you feel like stopping. I won't go anywhere." She added. Her heart broke when she saw the other woman this distraught, but she would be there for her to coach her through all moments, at all times. The good ones and the bad ones.

After what may have been minutes, but also could have been hours, JJ finally mustered up the air to form words. "I think that I'm broken." Her voice nothing more than a hoarse whisper, but loud and clear to Emily.

"You may be broken, Jennifer, but you're not beyond reparable." Emily replied, her voice soft, as she pulled her head back and looked her girlfriend in the eye, making sure she heard every word she said. "Sometimes you have to break bones before setting them, so that they can heal nicely. And I think that's what happened today. She broke your bones." She reached up and carefully brushed a strand of sticky hair behind her ear. "And I'll be here to help you soothe your wounds. I'll be here to haul you through it all, beside you. You don't have to fight this alone, and you don't ever have to."

The younger woman nodded slowly, taking in every word. She loved this woman so much, and it was moments like these she realized just how much. "How did I deserve a woman like you?" She asked more to herself than to Emily.

"Apparently we both did good enough to deserve each other." The other woman thoughtfully responded to the question, keeping her eyes trained on the woman in front of her.

"I would kiss you if my face weren't wet with tears and I'm fairly sure my breath smells like some obscure creature died in it." The blonde said, talking quite steadily, considering that she had been crying for a great share of the last hours.

The brunette, still cupping the face of her loved one, stared deeply in the eyes of her girlfriend, a determined expression decorating her face. Before the younger woman could protest, she leaned in and kissed her on the lips, carefully, but also with a certain compassion JJ was not used to seeing in the woman. It was not as if the woman normally was not compassionate, but it was different from all of the other kisses, as if she tried to put every promise she had made to herself in the kiss; as if she wanted to promise them to JJ as well.

She had meant them. She would stand by her girlfriend, through thick and thin. The older woman licked her lips when she pulled back, tasting the salt of the younger woman's tears. "Hmm, salty." She hummed, a smile pulling at her lips, but keeping them right in place, almost concealing the teasing smile.

"Emily! That's unsanitary." JJ exclaimed hoarsely as she made a face, messily trying to cover up a smile, but the wrinkled skin around her blue eyes told the brunette her joke had been well-received by the younger woman. It had been a leap to break them out of their moment, but Emily figured all the words that were needed to be said had been said, and nothing else could have made it better. It was better to ease the tension and thread on safer grounds. She did not want JJ to slip into a mood so sad that she could not pick herself up anymore.

"Oh, come on, Jayje. It's not like you're covered in mud. Or worse." Emily shrugged it off casually, in her own very familiar way. "Talking about salt, I was making dinner when you got home." JJ looked up in surprise, locking eyes with the other woman, her eyebrows raised.

"You can cook?" She asked incredulously. "What did you cook?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure it's ruined now.." Emily started, grinning slightly at seeing the expression on the blonde's face. "But I was making mac and cheese." The other woman chuckled, patting the older woman's thigh.

"It's still astonishing how many cooking shows you watch, yet your highest skills in the kitchen involve pasta and dairy." The younger woman teased, her smile entirely on display this time. It seemed to Emily that she felt better after her crying session, and she was glad about that. She was still slightly reluctant about making a joke, but apparently it had not done anything bad.

"Well, I make a damn good mac and cheese." Emily shrugged. "I'm afraid you won't find out today though." She pouted. She scrambled up from the ground, and offered JJ a hand to help her up. The moment JJ was up, Emily pulled her close, slowly wrapping her arms around the small of her girlfriend's back.

"Fortunately, I didn't fall for you because of your cooking skills." The blonde countered, her arms finding their way over Emily's shoulders, and around her neck, bringing their faces close together. "I did fall for your ability to always make me smile. And the ability for somehow always understanding me. For the ability to make me feel safe in your presence; in your arms. For making me feel loved. For making me feel special. For the ability to be incredibly sexy, but also for the ability to be ridiculously cute and adorable.. Need I say more?"

"Jennifer Jareau, you make me blush." The brunette chuckled softly. The red crept up her cheeks and an overwhelming warmth spread through her body; a feeling between flattery and embarrassment. Emily was not particularly used to receive compliments like that. Sure, she received some, from time to time. However, they were almost all work-related, except the share of men that had wolf-whistled at her in clubs or on a very rare occasion, on the streets. But this was different.

This was the woman she cared about the most telling her all of these beautiful things. She was not used to that kind of affection, and it kicked her out of her comfort zone. She was not good at taking in compliments, but this was even a tad harder. Though, she could not help but feeling special. She could not help but being infected with a smile that did not seem to vanish.

Neither of them could fathom it, but somehow they had changed the setting from crying on the floor, to smiling, entangled in each other, behaving like lovesick teenagers. For JJ it was moments like these that made it worth fighting for a healthy mind again. It was the little things that kept her from spiraling, and going from bad to worse. It kept her going, and she wondered what her life would have looked like without Emily by her side; without her conjuring up a smile every now and then. She did not let herself drift off in the subject too much, because she knew that nothing good would come from that, but sometimes..

"I suggest that you take a shower. You're cold and it would do good on you." Emily proposed, breaking the short silence that had fallen between them. "And then I'll try and see if I can save our meal, and otherwise I concoct something else."

"That sounds like a great idea." JJ chimed in, adding a nod to her words. "And Emily?"

"Yeah?" She responded, her eyes latching onto blue ones.

"Thanks." JJ said awkwardly as deep blush decorated her face.

"There's no need, Jayje." Emily retorted, astonished by the thank-you. "If there's anything I can do to help, I'm glad." A silence invaded the room once more, but neither woman made any intention of doing what they had just agreed on.

"How do you do it?" JJ asked, her posture all serious again, her voice softer and lower than it had been only moments ago. When she saw the questioning look on Emily's face, she elaborated: "Preserve the remnants of your innocence?"

"I could tell you.." Emily chose her words carefully, talking slowly as she considered her options. "But I'd better show you." She paused for a while, letting her mind race through all possible ways she could think of that would make JJ forget about her worries. "Will you go on a date with me? Nothing fancy. You can wear comfy clothes, but.. I have a plan."

"That sounds awfully enticing." JJ replied, a shy smile playing around her lips. "Yes. Yes, of course I will go on a not-so-fancy date with you."


	24. Chapter 24

"Are you ready?" Emily asked as she peeked around the corner of the door, scrutinizing her favorite blonde. She was getting dressed for their date that night, and Emily could not resist taking a quick look at her girlfriend, who was currently in a fight with her left earring. The brunette walked up to stand behind her, wrapping her arms around her, softly stroking her baby bump as she planted a kiss in the otherwise occupied woman's neck. "You look beautiful." Emily murmured against soft skin as she locked eyes with blue ones in the mirror. She was wearing a pair of dark leggings with a royal blue shirt Emily had not yet seen before, but already loved.

When JJ was done fumbling with her earrings, she turned around, taking a good look at the older woman, roaming her eyes up and down her body and clothes. Emily herself had chosen for a dark wash jeans and a red tank top, planning to wear a dark jacket as well. "You don't look bad yourself, Agent Prentiss." JJ said amusedly, a smirk plastering her face. She knew Emily was up to something with this date, but she could not quite figure out what. She knew it was not going to be some candlelight dinner in a chic restaurant – something you would expect from an ambassador's daughter.

She knew the dark-haired woman was nervous about their evening, even more so than her face betrayed, so she expected it to be something personal for Emily. Or maybe it was just because it was their first official date – if this were to be called a date. Still, JJ thought there was something about it, and she were to find out soon enough.

"Agent Prentiss?" Emily inquired interestingly, a small smile playing on her lips, but she tried to keep it under control nonetheless.

"You're being very secretive about all of this." JJ explained, still smirking slightly. "I thought I might as well use your badass 'SSA Emily Prentiss' name."

"Badass, really?" Her face molded into a crooked smile, and her eyes lit up at the word 'badass'. She was not particularly aiming for nicknames that involved such words, or anything of that sort, but hearing JJ say it was nice. "Well, Agent Jareau, if ever needed, I will grant you any protection." She added in her 'on-the-case' voice, keeping a straight face as she said them.

As a matter of reaction, JJ turned around, a smirk still decorating her face, and she walked to her nightstand to collect her purse.

* * *

Half an hour later the two women were in Emily's Range Rover, JJ comfortably resting in the passenger seat, her hands laying on her abdomen as she softly stroked with her thumbs. It had turned into a habit, but she found herself to be oddly comforted by the act. She could not help but glancing at her girlfriend every once in a while, thinking about how lucky she was to have made the step she had made about seven weeks earlier. Or maybe it was more like a leap. But she had not regretted it, and she doubted that she would ever regret taking the leap.

Emily had caught her when the abduction had made her fall; and even when she still was not standing up yet, she knew Emily had her back. She knew she would coach her through it all. She had to do it herself, but at least she was not alone, and that helped her more than she could express with words.

And now they were driving to whatever date Emily had planned, and JJ could not help but being suspicious about it. Emily had been awfully quiet about it and had not spilled anything as to where they were going. She only knew that it was not going to be something incredibly romantic or fancy, but knowing Emily, that meant it could be literally anything else.

After a few minutes, Emily pulled up the parking lot of a place JJ could not see yet. She laid her eyes on her girlfriend and noticed that her whole posture had changed. She seemed.. uncomfortable and nervous, which was not really strange, considering they were going on their first date and even JJ was a tad nervous, but Emily and JJ were together for over a month, and JJ thought it would not bother her so much.

"Okay so.. I'm not sure if I did something incredibly stupid taking you here, and I'm totally making a fool of myself right now, or if I'm really doing as I promised, but let me explain before you reject the whole idea. That doesn't mean that you can't bail, because I would understand but.." Emily rattled, trying to keep her voice emotionless, but JJ had worked with profilers for years now, and could tell she was slightly embarrassed by the whole ordeal. So she placed her hand on the brunette's thigh and ended her rant by quickly kissing her on her lips.

"Emily.. Shht.. Don't worry so much. I know you're up to something less romantic and more dorky." JJ said, effectively shutting her girlfriend up, and leaving her surprised.

"You do?" Emily asked incredulously, her eyebrows raised in suspicion. "Did you find out?"

"Just a lucky guess." The blonde smiled, squeezing the other woman's thigh, encouraging her to go on with her little speech, albeit with a little more confidence. She earned a nod from the profiler, before continuing what she wanted to say.

"So.. I chose for this place for several reasons. One was about the promise I made, that I wanted you to feel innocent and happy. And another is.." She paused for a moment, clearing her throat in the few seconds that the silence filled the small space that the car granted them. She felt like an idiot, and she wished she had chosen to do something with less meaning, and above all, less nerdy.. but then again, she wanted everything to mean something, because JJ meant everything to her. Suddenly, she was very aware of the hand that was still resting on her thigh, so her hand slipped down to JJ's, wrapping her own around it.

"When I was a child.. I only went to restaurants that had menus with words of which I couldn't pronounce at least ninety percent. And I probably sound like a spoiled child right now, but I hated it. I hate it that I was able to graciously eat lobster at age ten, instead of eating myself to the best stomach ache ever by eating too much ice-cream and chicken nuggets. I'd never done that. I didn't know what cotton candy was. I didn't know what slushies were. And though I like the fine taste of high-class food, I also love pizza, and every other thing that I wasn't allowed to eat when I was a kid." Emily took a few deep breaths before resuming, wanting to say what had been on her mind ever since JJ asked Emily to be their son's other mom.

"I don't want to do that to our son. I want him to grow up having those things. I don't want him to look at his plate and wonder why he has to eat snails and other fancy food. I don't want him to grow up like I did, where he has to pretend he's someone he isn't, or when he has to do things.. I want him to be happy with who he is, embrace himself and what he likes. If he wants to join ballet, fine. If he wants to kiss boys, fine. If he's going to be different than all of the other boys and girls he knows, I'll embrace that and be just as proud as any other good parent. I just want him to be happy. I don't want him to feel like he's alone."

"I don't want him to be good at carefully crafting undercover identities, because he's used to lying and pretending. Because he was raised to keep up appearances. I don't want him to run away from himself, only to find out that he has no clue as to who he is, and it will take him years of his life to finally find back his true identity. And when he gets there, he realizes he's not the same anymore. His soul would be scarred, and he has to find ways to get around them. And they'll make him stronger, but also more guarded and jaded. I don't want him to become what I am. Even though I love myself now, I don't want any of that for him. I want him to love himself from the start." She exhaled deeply, indicating that she was finished with her speech, looking at the other woman for any response.

She turned her hand around and interlaced her fingers with the older woman's, squeezing gently. "I agree on all of that." She said softly, a small smile decorating her face. "We're not going to be your parents, Emily." She reassured, knowing very well that Emily would never believe that they would, in fact, be her parents, but she felt like it was important to Emily that they did not do so at all cost. "We're not going to be my parents either."

"We'll be our son's parents. We'll mess up, but we'll try to make it work as well as possible. As we see fit." Emily added, a little relieved that JJ had not shut her down. She knew she would have never done it, but talking about her childhood never made her feel at ease. JJ must have noticed, because her hand reached up and cupped her cheek.

"He's lucky to have you as a mom." The blonde said, her voice more like a whisper, but it resounded loud in Emily's ears, making her feel warm and fuzzy. She was both terribly scared and tremendously excited to become a mother, but the latter often outweighed the former when JJ talked to her like that. "And I'm lucky to have you.. as my dorky soulmate."

"Dorky, huh?" Emily questioned cockily, her face molding into a grin.

"Well, after this speech and considering the way your face lit up when you mentioned the word 'pizza', I'm fairly sure you took me to a pizza place." JJ chuckled. "I'm not a profiler, but even a blind person could have spotted that." The blonde earned a pout from the brunette once again, evidently making the younger woman melt. She was hundred percent certain that Emily's pouting had become her weakness, and that she wanted her to do that often enough until the sight of it had been branded in her mind.

"Well, now you know and since you clearly have no objections.. let me get out of the car and escort you to the entrance of the Pizza Hut only to give you the most innocent night of your adult life." Emily finally decided, a broad smile plastering her face as she had clearly conveyed what she had wanted to pass on to JJ. She was not sure if the night was going to be a success, but at least she was smiling in that moment, and that made Emily's heart cheerfully leap in her chest.

She opened the door of her car, but not before she had wrapped her hand around the neck of her beautiful passenger and had kissed her passionately on her lips.

* * *

They were forty-five minutes into their date when the pizza arrived. JJ was not allowed to drink any alcoholic drinks, and Emily had decided to show solidarity with JJ and join her in only ordering club sodas and regular waters.

Emily was telling a story about some time Morgan and her had gone drinking after work, and one woman had been entirely sure that he was a movie star. She had insisted, and eventually, when Morgan had kept saying that he was not an actor, she had almost burst into tears. She had kept rambling about how he was a bad person for not just teller her the truth, and had even slapped him in the face for not doing so.

JJ imagined seeing Morgan's face at that, chuckling when she story had ended. The atmosphere between the two of them had been very cozy, and Emily considered it a gift to see her favorite colleague smile like that. It was not like she never smiled, because JJ did smile a lot when Emily was around her, but the whole setting was different from what it normally was, and that made Emily internally – but also externally – smile.

There was just something careless about JJ's smile that Emily had not seen in ages. As if there was nothing in the back of her mind whispering at her, telling her that she should be cautious. That the safe feeling she was experiencing was only an illusion, and that she should have her guards up. Somehow, that had changed for the night.

Maybe it was something between them not talking about anything serious, nothing about the last six weeks – no Will, no attacks – and being surrounded by parents having dinner with their children. Emily could not put a finger on the exact reason, but apparently her plan to make JJ feel innocent for one night had worked for at least till then.

JJ had started devouring her half of the pizza, trying to eat a slice with as much grace as she could muster, but she failed horribly at doing so, earning a crooked smile from the brunette. The older woman quickly, but lovingly, pecked the younger woman on her cheek and grabbed a slice for herself.

"As if you can eat pizza like a queen." JJ retorted, trying to sound indignant, but the lines around her eyes betrayed her amusement. "The pizza is not too bad by the way." She remarked, leaning closer to the brunette to add something. Her eyes looked deeply into brown ones as she whispered softly: "I hope dessert tonight will be better though."

Emily, who had been occupied with her slice of pizza, swallowed it the wrong way and burst into a fit of coughing. When she had finally caught her breath again, she replied softly: "Shit, Jayje.. Couldn't you have waited until after I swallowed?"

"And miss your reaction?" JJ asked rhetorically, her hands folded right before her face, and her eyebrows were raised in amusement. "No, this was way too much fun." She decided, grinning widely before taking a bite from the slice she had abandoned for the moment.

"This ain't over, miss Jareau." Emily fake-threatened, feigning her 'don't mess with me' face, but not being able to suppress a smile nevertheless.

"Am I supposed to be scared?" JJ countered, her lips pulled into a lopsided smile, cockily raising her eyebrows a little further. "You may look like a Rottweiler ready to attack, but we both know you're just a puppy from the inside."

"You did not just compare me to a small dog." Emily scoffed, acting as if she were terribly offended. "Of all animals you chose the ones that trip over their own legs and chase their own tail."

"I did." The blonde nodded, looking like she was having way too much fun from the place she was scrutinizing every move Emily made, from where she tried to tease the brunette, but also throw in some truths. Emily was adorable and a complete dork at times, and JJ loved that about her. There was a lot of darkness in woman she held dear, and it illuminated something within that darkness.

Just when Emily was about to have a great come-back, a little girl walked up to their table. If she had to guess, she would say the girl was about five, six years old. In her right hand, she had a big stuffed elephant clasped in her hand, and she was sucking on the thumb of her other hand. Just when Emily thought this kid with the hundreds of golden curly strands of hair on her head, looking up with big green eyes at the two FBI agents could not get any cuter, she spoke up: "Are you married?"

Emily could tell the girl was shy, but that curiosity won the battle more often than her timidity. Somewhere between the question and the whole appearance of the little girl made the two women both smile broadly, but it was Emily who answered. "No." She replied, shaking her head to emphasize the negative answer. She leaned closer to the little girl, turning her voice down low. "Maybe one day," she added, earning a giggle from the girl.

"She's pretty." The little girl whispered back, her eyes sparkling and a wide grin spreading her face as she looked at JJ, apparently being awfully proud of her small conspiracy with Emily.

"I agree." Emily whispered back, almost melting under the adorableness of the little girl. "You are pretty, too. You have the most amazing curls."

The little girl pulled her stuffed animal even closer to herself, a blush spreading on her cheeks. "Thank you, ma'am." She muttered shyly, ever staying as polite as she seemed. She glanced over her shoulder to a woman who was keeping an eye on the little girl. Emily followed the girl's eyes with her own, only to lock eyes with an older version of the little girl in front of her.

The dark-haired woman smiled apologetically at Emily, probably because she thought her daughter was intruding their privacy, or maybe it was for other reasons – Emily did not know – but she flashed a bright smile at her, trying to reassure her with the simple gesture. The brunette liked it that the little girl had reacted the way she had. There was nothing more than innocence in this girl. No corruption of adults that tried to put beliefs in her that were not her own. That tried to mold her into a rather cynical person that denied every kind of love they did not understand.

"I think your mom is waiting for you, kid." Emily said to the girl, who turned her attention back to the two women she had taken a certain interest in. The little girl nodded, but did not leave before she had leaned close to Emily again, resuming their little conversation.

"She's your princess." She whispered, her eyes having that same glint as they had a few moments prior. "Like in the movies."

Emily could not help but smile at that, chuckling lightly while adding: "And I'm her prince Charming?"

"No, silly." The little girl retorted as if it were the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. "You're her princess Charming. Girls are princesses. Or warriors. I think you're both." She added wisely, her face all serious, but her eyes were smiling.

"I think you're right." Emily agreed. She tried to keep a straight face to play along with the tête-à-tete the little girl and she were having. "Girls are warriors."

The little girl nodded exaggeratedly, but she stayed quiet for a few seconds, her face turning from a smile in way sadder expression. "Boys are mean." She suddenly said, her voice was soft and Emily could hear she was close to tears.

The profiler did not know what this kid had been through at school – or maybe even at home, but judging the way she behaved, Emily was almost certain that there were kids picking on her. She thought of herself when she had been around the same age of the little girl. She recognized a lot of herself in her, but she also realized that the biggest difference was that Emily had been corrupted by her parents and their political views. Even when she had fought their views at later age.

She could not help but sympathize with this little girl. Cases at work had always affected her more when they revolved around children, but in situations like this she felt drawn to help the kid. She knew that there was not much she could do, but she wanted the girl to know that everything would be alright some day.

"Classmates are picking on you?" She asked, locking her eyes onto the girl, not trying to look too pitiful, but trying to convey into her look that she knew how the girl felt. The girl nodded slowly, as if she did not really want to answer the question, but after having looked carefully at Emily, she apparently decided that telling the older lady would not hurt her.

"They say I'm weird." She said, her muscles pulling at the corners of her lips. Emily had to admit that this girl knew how to hold back her tears, and it concerned her. "They hide my things. They don't let me play with them. They think I'm stupid and ugly."

"Hey," Emily started, moving from her chair to sit on her heels, trying to level her height with the smaller girl. "You are not stupid and ugly." The BAU agent said resolutely, her eyes still fixed on the girl, who stared back at her. "You are pretty. And you're smart. And above all, you're already a better person than a lot of people I know. They think you're weird, but that's because they don't know any better. You do."

"How do you know that?" The girl asked, her voice much steadier than it had been only moments earlier, but Emily could also hear that there was lot of insecurity in the tone she spoke in.

"I used to be you." Emily explained. "Don't ever let anyone think you're weird or.. any less of a person than they are. Don't listen to them. We're warriors, remember?" She added, smiling softly when the little girl did too. She knew that somehow she had gotten through to the girl and she was glad she had.

"Will they stop?" She asked, her voice still having that hint of insecurity and doubt, but the tears were gone. Somehow the little pep-talk had done its job and had she reassured the kid.

"Someday. But if they don't.." She replied, reaching for her pocket as she looked for a visiting card. "..call me. And remember that the toughest warriors have been through the bloodiest battles." When she looked at the girl's big eyes, those that were full of awe and shock, she added: "And you can ask your mom for help too. That's okay."

The little girl stared at Emily, not knowing how to respond to such kindness. She hesitantly took the card, and even though Emily knew the little girl was never going to call it, she hoped that she at least had gotten through to the girl. She knew from experience how powerful amulets could be, and she hoped that somehow having something to remind her of this conversation would help her to be strong enough to get through the things she had to face.

She was firmly convinced that the people who had it the hardest in their youth became the strongest people later in life. Nevertheless, she trusted that the girl would be fine, and that the bullying would eventually stop. If not sooner, than later. She knew that she could not save everyone from any harm, but at least she had given it a shot this way.

"What's your name?" Emily asked, effectively breaking the silence that had fallen upon them.

"Luisa." The little girl answered, her voice starting to sound like it had sounded at the beginning of their conversation. "His name is Phantie." She added, pointing at her stuffed animal.

"I'm Emily." The brunette introduced herself. "Elephants are very smart, did you know that?" Emily informed, smiling at the girl, who smiled back weakly at her. "That's why they call it elephantine memory."

"He's very smart too." The girl said proudly, looking with affectionate eyes at her stuffed animal. "We do math together."

"Good," Emily said cheerfully. "Math is great. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

Luisa smiled at that. "I like numbers more than words. I'm not good with words." She looked over her shoulder at her mother. She was still watching her daughter, and when the little girl glanced at her, she gestured for her to come back to the table."I have to go." She said with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"I think you do." Emily noted, smiling warmly at the girl. "And remember, you're a warrior, Luisa."

"Thank you." She said politely, the red creeping up her face again. She then turned to JJ, getting seriously, when she told her: "She's a keeper. Don't let her go."

"I won't." JJ chuckled. "And if anything, she wouldn't let me go either."

"Good." Luisa said definitely. "Bye, Emily." And with that, she turned around and walked back to her mother, who said a few words to her before she picked up her purse and her child's jacket. She cast a glimpse at the two women and smiled, while the little girl waved with her tiny hand. The two women waved back, and then they were gone.

* * *

A little while later they stood outside, feeling the cold breeze against their cheeks. Emily was smiling softly, enjoying the look of a happy JJ. She knew that it was just temporary, that nothing had been solved by one simple date, but the fact that the blonde could still enjoy the little things made the brunette feel relieved. And the fact that the reason of her smile was Emily made it even better.

She had to admit to herself that she, too, needed a night like this. A night where both of them was free of any thoughts but simple ones, reveling in each other's stories, jokes, laughs, smiles, winks. Emily was more than willing to be JJ's pillar, but she also loved to be the reason for her smile. She wanted to be all of her reasons. It had taken her some time to figure that out, but times like they were going through in that moment made her realize it.

"What now?" JJ asked suddenly, snapping Emily out of her thoughts. She realized she had been staring at the woman, because JJ shot back an amused look at the other woman. She did not say anything about it, though, and Emily was kind of thankful for that.

"Well.." Emily started, getting slightly embarrassed at her next step in their date, and for the second time that evening she had the idea that she totally overdid it. She should have gone to a romantic restaurant, movie and then home. But she had not planned that. She had planned something to cheer up the younger woman. Apparently her first phase had succeeded, but she still felt a little foolish.

She painted on a brave face and took the other woman's hand, interlacing their fingers. "It's a surprise. But I hope you like it." Emily said with what she thought was a steady and decisive voice. "It's kind of a guilty pleasure, to be honest." Emily admitted, not being able to repress the blush that crept up her cheeks, but she doubted that the blonde would know it was from embarrassment and not the cold.

"You have my attention.. I'm curious now." The younger woman piped up in response, flashing another smile at the older woman. "We're walking?" She inquired interestingly. She liked the idea of taking a walk. It was cold, but not too cold, and she found her girlfriend's warmth oddly comforting. Normally she would not have been too happy with the idea of rummaging through the city at night, especially in her state of mind, but this night it looked like everything was different.

"Yeah. I thought we might as well do so." She glimpsed at her watch, seeing that there was plenty of time left.

After a thirty minute walk, they finally arrived at a small theatre. If Emily had not pointed it out, JJ would have never noticed it was there. It looked old, but cozy, and JJ wondered what was special about this place. Evidently, Emily had put some time into finding this place, because she doubted the woman had found it by accident. She looked at her in anticipation, awaiting more information about this place.

"It's an old theatre." Emily stated the obvious. "They wanted to shut it down, until the daughter of the former owner came up with the idea to show Disney movies, every week another. Because there's so many.." She paused, searching for the right word. "..older people that like the movies, they always show one late at night too, when children aren't allowed."

Her eyes found the blonde's, and she could not quite read her face, immediately taking it the wrong way. "But we can do something else, if you don't like it." Emily added quickly, averting her gaze, knowing that her idea had failed. "I just thought.. since we're having a son.."

But JJ shut her up by placing a finger over Emily's lips, quieting her effectively. "Emily." She said resolutely, forcing the woman to look up at her. "I love it. I'm surprised. And not in the bad way. I never would have taken you as the type that watches fairytale movies."

The older woman's lips curled into a grin. "Not a fairytale. A movie based on Hamlet." Emily chuckled, her smirk growing wider at seeing the younger woman's face.

"Hamlet?" JJ questioned in astonishment, her eyebrows raised in disbelief. "What Disney movie is based on Hamlet?"

"The Lion King." The woman said seriously. "It's a very tragic story about Simba, who loses his father. But I'm sure you're all too familiar with the story."

JJ chuckled in response, nodding amusedly. "I'm certain that Shakespeare came up with a philosophy that was solely based on not having to have any worries about anything." She deadpanned.

"It sounds like a solid philosophy." Emily shrugged. "Will you join me in reliving youth?" She asked, offering her company her hand to escort her in. JJ laid her hand in the older woman's hand, letting her being guided into the theatre, a smile playing around her lips the whole time.

* * *

During the movie, Emily could not resist glancing to her side, watching JJ's face reacting to the different parts of the movie. She could swear that the blonde was mouthing the lyrics to Hakuna Matata for a while. Emily had grinned to herself, wondering what it would be like when watching with their kid once he was old enough.

She had those moments a lot since the moment JJ had asked Emily to be their son's other mom. In the most regular situations she would wonder what the scene would look like if a little kid had accompanied them, trying to imagine what life would be like a few months from then.

Playing house with JJ had been relatively easy to Emily, but she did not know if it would be the same with a baby, and later a toddler, and then later a pre-teen, and so forth. She was used to being on her own, ordering take-out food and falling asleep on the couch when she had had an especially busy week.

JJ nudged her side to indicate that the movie had ended, Emily realizing she must have wandered off. The brunette looked up at the blonde, mumbling: "Hmm?"

The younger woman gestured at the screen that displayed the credits of the movie. "It's over." She added, so there would be no misunderstanding about what she meant. The lights were still out and only the faint light of the words on the screen were shining light on their faces. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing important." Emily answered, dismissing the question. She was not about to ruin the atmosphere, right when it was so good. "Did you like it?" She changed topics so swiftly that JJ dropped the former subject of their conversation, but it made Emily think that she was not off the hook for the evening yet. But for now, she was, and she internally sighed in relief.

"Yeah." JJ replied, a grin spreading on her face. "I wonder how long it will take us to get irritated by the amount of Disney movies we have to watch when our son is in that age."

"Oh, come on, Jayje." The profiler chuckled, her lips curled up in amusement. "Don't pretend you don't like them. I saw your face." She teased, smirking even wider than the other woman.

"You make that sound like it's a bad thing." JJ remarked, folding her arms in front of her to indicate that she did not approve of that opinion, but Emily saw in her eyes that she was having a lot of fun with their little teasing game, and that made her heart leap in her chest. She loved seeing the younger woman happy.

When the lights turned on, both women scrambled up to their feet. JJ stretching her limbs. Being pregnant made her muscles lazy, and she could not wait to start working out after the pregnancy. Since her last appointment with the OB/GYN she had gained some weight, though it with the assistance of her sometimes overprotective girlfriend. She made sure that she ate enough on the days she was at home, and made always sure she texted the blonde to remind her to eat and take her vitamins.

"Nah." Emily shrugged, indicating that it certainly was not a bad thing. "You wanna go get some ice-cream? I know a place a few blocks from here.." She suggested. "I didn't actually plan for it, but.."

"You don't want this night to end yet and you have a bad craving for ice-cream?" JJ finished the sentence, concluding by seeing the brunette's face that she guessed right. "Let's go then."

* * *

Thirty minutes later they were walking back to the car, both nursing an ice cone.

"Okay, Em, you have to admit. The way you walked directly to that Italian ice-cream parlour makes me think that you've been there at least once or twice." JJ said, scrutinizing her girlfriend that was currently greedily eating the kiwi-flavored ice-cream. "Are you going to tell me that you've been to that theatre before?"

"No." Emily answered, JJ looking at the woman in surprise. "I'm not gonna tell you." She added, earning a chuckle from the communications liaison.

"Okay. I know enough though." JJ countered, stopping in her tracks. Emily stopped too, looking at the younger woman in confusion. "I know.." She took a step closer to the older woman. "..for a fact.." Another step. The closer she came, the more obvious the mischief that showed on JJ's face. "..that I'm deeply.." And the last step closed the gap between the two of them, their noses nuzzling against each other's, cold from the slight breeze outside. "..deeply in love with you."

She leaned closer to the other woman, but instead of kissing her, she took a bite from the brunette's ice-cream, smacking her lips to enjoy the taste a little better, humming in pleasure.

"You did not just do that." The older woman exclaimed in incredulity. "Stealing Emily Prentiss' ice-cream is never a good idea." Emily did not mind so much, because the sight of seeing JJ lick ice-cream from that close was not really bad. If anything, she could eat her whole ice-cream cone if she had wanted, and still Emily would not have minded.

"What are you going to do then, call the FBI?" The younger woman teased back.

"Well, I'm considering it. I have one of their numbers under speed dial." Emily deadpanned, leaning in closer to the other woman once again. "I could invite her over and ask what kind of punishment she'd see fit." She half-whispered, getting the reaction out of the blonde she wanted to have, her mouth agape. She pecked the dumbfounded woman on her cheek and resumed their walk back to the car, adding cheekily: "Your ice's starting to drip."

JJ's eyes averted to the wafer she was holding in her hand, a trickle of ice-cream making its way to JJ's fingers. She quickly licked it off and jogged to catch up with Emily. By the time they were approaching the car, Emily popped the last piece of her ice-cone into her mouth and turned around, leaning against the car, eyeing her girlfriend smugly.

"What's up with the smug face?" JJ asked, trying to omit her confusion by smiling lightly.

"Well.." Emily started, tilting her head a tad, her lips curling into a warmer smile. "It certainly was not a punishment for me to see you save your ice-cream."

JJ snorted at that, walking up to the other woman, finished the rest of her ice-cream cone. When she was standing toe-to-toe with the other woman, she leaned closer to her, but instead of making her move to Emily's lips, she brought her lips to the brunette's ear. "Sometimes you're just like a teenage boy."

"And how much do you love that teenage boy.." Emily chuckled, keeping her girlfriend in place by putting her hands on JJ's hips, feeling hot breath in her ear, the hairs in her neck elevating. Her hands found their way around JJ's waist, pulling her closer, sharing her body warmth with the younger woman. "I had a good time tonight." She hummed in the blonde's ear, and she felt JJ's lips curl into a smile.

"Me too." JJ countered, wrapping her arms around the other woman's neck, pulling her head back a little to face the brown-eyed beauty in her arms. "You kept your promise." She breathed as she kept her eyes on the brunette's, wanting to make sure that the older woman really knew what she had done for her.

It had been the first night in very long time that her mind had not wandered off to painful memories and flashbacks. She had felt safe by her girlfriend's side, and that was something that rarely happened, and if so, not in public. She was aware of the fact that it was just a false sense of safety, because the devil could be lurking around every corner, but somehow she had forgotten about her paranoid tendencies for that night.

She was not naïve. She did not think they were gone. She needed to work harder and longer to fight those tendencies; make them go away, but it had felt great to be reminded what it was like not to look over her shoulder every time she changed directions. What it was like not to tighten every muscle in her body at all times, ready to flee if necessary. Even then, when they were standing against the car on a vacant parking lot, she still felt safe, in Emily's arms.

She breathed in deeply, inhaling Emily's scent and JJ thought she could stand like that forever. It was like she was intoxicated, and she loved every minute of it, wanted to revel in that intoxication for as long as possible. She tilted her head a little, her lips finding soft skin. She hummed, and that resulted in the exact reaction she desired: goose bumps, and she was fairly certain she felt Emily's muscles tighten.

When Emily looked JJ in the eyes again, JJ saw that her actions had caused her eyes to blacken wholly. The brunette leaned forward to kiss the blonde on her lips, starting chastely, but JJ could not contain her wanton, parting her lips to allow the older woman entrance almost instantly. She felt a certain pull in the pit of her stomach, like a lovesick teenager high on their first kiss.

Hands were everywhere and they kept pulling each other closer, their kisses growing sloppier and rougher as time passed by. Before things could escalate any further, JJ pulled back and brought their foreheads together, slightly out of breath and her face flushed. "Will you take me home?" She asked softly.

"Yes." Emily replied back, making no move to actually leave. Neither did JJ. They both did not want the night to end yet, knowing that once the day had ended, they had to move on with life as they knew it. But none of them was ready to finish this chapter yet.


	25. Chapter 25

JJ woke up from the light that had found its way inside through a gap between the curtains. She automatically reached for the empty space next to her. She had gotten used to Emily being by her side, so much that she missed her when she was away on a case.

She turned around, burying her face in Emily's pillow, enjoying the smell of her girlfriend that lingered over it. She let the fresh memories of their date wash over her, allowing herself to get lost in the happiness she had felt that night. She still could not believe that she had been lucky enough to be with the woman.

If someone had told her two months earlier that she would be the person she was that day, she would have told them they were crazy. She had been through a lot – good and bad. It had been an emotional rollercoaster of extreme ups and downs, and she was almost surprised that she was still standing.

But she was also proud of herself.

Proud that she was still moving on, not running away from her problems, but actually dealing with it. It had not always been that way. It had been the other way entirely. JJ had never really been conscious of that fact, but now when she was actually in therapy and practically forced – mostly by herself – to think about it, she understood that was what she had been doing.

She rolled out of bed, swinging her feet over the edge of the bed, sitting up. Part of her night had been filled with nightmares, like every other night – sometimes worse than the other. She would wake up with a start, cold sweat covering her forehead and neck.

She had to admit that they became less and less frequent, but when Emily was away on a case, she found herself more likely to dream about a dying Will, to dream about her almost dying, and sometimes even Emily dying.

Hours prior, she had woken up from a nightmare like that, hyperventilating and seeking for Emily's comfort, but she had managed to calm down by herself. She had gotten out of bed, washing off the sweat with water at the sink in the bathroom. After that she had stripped off the pajamas she was wearing, the clothing suddenly feeling too tight around her skin, almost smothering her.

She had fetched one of Emily's oversized pajama shirts, burying her face in the fabric, inhaling Emily's scent as she forced herself to breathe at a regular pace again. Eventually, she had, and she had managed to fall asleep, enveloped in Emily's piece of clothing.

She was still wearing it, finding herself feeling safer when she had a piece of clothes that belonged to Emily. Sometimes it scared her how attached she had grown to the woman, but she did not allow herself to mull it over too much. She was afraid that she would mess things up, and she doubted she would do great with another blow to her mental health. She knew she could live without Emily, but she absolutely did not want to.

* * *

After breakfast, and checking up on her phone twice – Emily had texted her not to forget about her vitamins – she went outside, making her way to the psychologist. She was way too early, so she decided she could walk to mental doctor's office, instead of taking the car. She figured the fresh air would do good for her, and a little bit of exercise this way could do no harm.

Thirty minutes later she walked into the psychologist's office, her hair slightly ruffled due to the wind. She quickly combed them with her fingers, trying to make it look less like she had just been skydiving. She took seat in the same place as the week prior, crossing her legs and arms automatically when she did.

"How have you been doing?" Dr. Huffstodt asked JJ the moment she had sat down on the comfortable couch.

"Good, considering.." JJ replied softly. She was used to saying that she was good, even though she was not particularly feeling as such. "Emily and I went on our first date. It made me forget about everything that's been going on over the last month. That's a good thing, I guess."

"Judging from the face you're making, I assume it was a good date." The psychologist remarked, and JJ realized her face had melted into a smile. She could not help it. Somehow, the brunette had that effect on her and she was grateful for whatever force got Emily to love her.

"Yes, it was." JJ answered the unasked question. "She knows me. She knows what I need. It's so.." JJ got lost in words as she tried to find the right ones, but apparently the psychologist knew what it was, finishing the sentence.

"Surreal?" She offered, slightly tilting her head, so she could observe her client somewhat better.

"Sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself." She added, as she nodded to indicate that it was indeed surreal. "And that sounds unbelievably corny, and so much as something I would never say.. But it's the truth. She knows when to make me smile. She knows how I think." She paused for a moment to sort out her words, but resumed once she understood the irony. "It's strange, because.. About seven weeks ago I thought I didn't know myself anymore. Lost completely track of everything that was real about me."

"Sometimes a change of perspective makes us think that we're a different person, while only the angle we were looking from at ourselves has changed." Dr. Huffstodt explained. "In your case, you discovered your feelings for another woman, while you've always assumed you were straight. You've kept a thing from yourself so great, that in your mind, everything else seems like a lie too. You've lost that trust in yourself. Now you have to earn it back."

"That makes sense." JJ agreed. "But how do you earn back that trust?"

"Why do you think you've failed to realize what your sexuality is?" The brunette inquired. "Was it because you were raised thinking it was a sin? Were there a lot of judgmental people surrounding you?"

"Well, both are applicable to my situation." JJ admitted. "But that wouldn't explain why I didn't see it when I became older. My parents didn't approve of me joining the FBI either, and I did anyway. It wouldn't be a reason big enough for me to hide something like that."

"Do you have commitment issues?" Dr. Huffstodt asked, jotting down words JJ could not read. She felt unsettled by the interrogation, but she also knew that it was necessary for her to sort things out. Even though the questions seemed random to her at times, she kept answering them.

"Yes." The blonde sighed. She had always had trouble committing to people. She did not have any problems making contact, or talking to people in general, but it was hard for her to let people in; get close to her. It was hard for her to let them getting to know her well. People came and went, and that had never been any different. However, once she had settled down at the BAU, she had committed. To the job.. To the people. They had become their family. It had been the first real commitment she had made after her sister died.

And eventually she had even started dating Will, and convinced herself that she had finally connected on a romantic level. But it had never been that way. And it had been much easier for her to keep him at a distance, because he lived in New Orleans and was literally living that distance away from her.

"Did you lose someone?" Dr. Huffstodt questioned, this time the tone of her voice indicated that she already knew the answer. But she needed confirmation.

"My sister." JJ said softly, her voice containing that annoying choke that made her sound so weak. She had to stop thinking of herself like that, she was aware of that, but she could not help but feeling the way she did. "I was eleven when she slipped out of her room at night.. Stealing our father's razor-blades. She was only seventeen."

"I'm sorry for your loss." The other woman said, her eyes having the genuine look they had the week before that. "Were you two close?"

"She was practically my best friend. We bickered a lot, but she was always there for me." Her voice had been reduced to a whisper, full of emotion and unshed tears. Talking about Rosaline always hurt. "I think, looking back at it, that she didn't want me to feel like I was alone. I think she was. I think she knew what it felt like to be the only one standing in the dark, and no one being there to hand her a flashlight. She came to me.. before she did it. She gave me her necklace, and told me that whatever would happen, she'd always love me."

"Do you often think about her?" The therapist asked softly, her eyes fixated on JJ, carefully keeping track of the nail-fiddling and the nervous lip-twitching. She was aware that she had reached a sensitive subject in JJ's life.

"Sometimes." JJ responded shortly.

"Does it hurt?" Dr. Huffstodt dropped the question, to which she already knew the answer. The choke that resounded in her voice, and the whole posture of the broken woman told her enough.

"Yes." JJ sobbed, a few tears escaping her eyes, rolling down her cheeks. "Every time I think of her."

"You didn't grief." It was just a statement, no question. But JJ knew it was true. She had never mourned her sister's death the way she should have. Once she had started working with profilers, knowing one or two things about it herself, she knew she had skipped that part. She had always denied the influence it had had on her; on her family.

"My parents didn't talk about it. I think they blamed themselves, were ashamed of what their daughter had done. They didn't notice their daughter dying right in front of them, slowly getting sucked in the darkness, until she drowned." JJ muttered with a strained voice. Tears and words were flowing, now that she had started talking. "When it was too late."

"And you?" Dr. Huffstodt inquired. "Did you blame yourself?"

"I - .." JJ started, but she realized she did not really know the answer. Had she blamed herself all those years ago? "Maybe. I don't know. I guess I didn't really allow myself to  _feel_  anything that was about my sister. I pushed away every feeling that was inconvenient, until I felt either nothing, or at least nothing special."

"And that included your sexuality?" The psychologist asked when JJ fell silent. The question was unexpected, something JJ had never considered before.

"I have this vague memory of myself.. Realizing that I.. wasn't normal." She hated using the word 'normal', because she had never considered non-straight people as something else than normal. But for the lack of a better word, she used this one. "It wasn't long before my sister died. I had always been more interested in actresses than actors, female singers over male singers.. Pretty much women over men. But I'd never really given it much thought. And then my sister died.." JJ swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. The tears had stopped, but the tight feeling in her chest was still there. "And well, I think it's safe to say that being gay in a small-town counts as inconvenient."

"I think that from the moment my sister died, I closed off from the outside world. I had friends, quite a lot actually. I had a close group of friends.. But I never told them anything real. We jabbered about soccer and boyfriends and crushes.. But exactly like that.. Boyfriends." The blonde paused, taking a break to wipe away the tears on her cheeks. "I've had my fair share of boyfriends.. Never able to really commit to them, so they came and went."

"And I was okay with that.. Until I wasn't." She sighed tiredly, burying her face in her hands. She felt older than she had felt in ages, as if life had worn her out. And it had. She had had to process so much over a time span of two months, she sometimes wished she could just stuff it away, not think about it, until it blew all up in her face again. "Until I realized that what I felt for Will was a lie.. And that my heart really belonged to Emily."

The brunette nodded, jotting down words JJ could not see. "Great loss makes us do things we cannot always fathom." The woman explained. "In your case, you shut yourself down emotionally, repressing every feeling you didn't know how to handle. But you used that experience to help other people. Perhaps you even chose the job to project the pain you are supposed to feel for yourself on other people: victims and next of kin. It's easier for you to feel for them instead of feeling for yourself. You review cases, select the ones that are in need of help from the BAU. That's because you know when someone needs your help more than the others do."

Moments passed by as JJ let the words sink in. She did find it easier to be compassionate when it did not have anything to do with herself. She did not like it when people pitied her, did not like the looks people gave her when they heard about her sister's death, and wanted to avoid people looking at her like that. Emily had never given her those looks despite everything they had gone through. It was one of the things JJ loved about the woman. She somehow knew that she hated it. Or maybe that was how she would have liked to be dealt with herself. Not like a broken toy that needed to be fixed. She could fix herself.

"Do you know what makes Emily different? Why you let her in?" The psychologist interrupted the FBI agent's train of thoughts.

"I think it's because.. I didn't let her in at once." JJ half-answered, knitting her eyebrows. She was wondering what was different about Emily. "She's different from other people. I know her for two years, and what I've learned about Emily is that she doesn't take shit from anyone. She's fearless. She's strong and brave. She doesn't judge a book by its cover. She reads it. Maybe it's because she profiles people for a living, but.. I always feel like she knows me. Understands me. We don't necessarily need words to exchange our thoughts, we just.. Know."

"We met two years ago, when she joined our team. And over the last two years, we've been through a lot. She's been there by my side. When my best friend got shot, she was there to hold my hand. We've shared rooms during cases, spend a great amount of time together through the job already. It creates a bond." JJ replied fully this time. She was not quite certain if it was the answer the psychologist was aiming for, but it was a start.

"That basically applies to your whole team." The woman pointed out. "But you're already aware of that."

"Yes, I am." The communications liaison admitted. "I just.." She wanted to say that she did not know what was different about Emily, that she could not quite fathom herself either what had brought them together. And that was true. But she knew what she particularly loved about her relationship with the woman. "What we have is special. It isn't ordinary. We just found our ways to each other, without any of us intending to do so. It just happened. Almost as if we were meant to be."

"About a year ago, we were out having drinks with the team. We had wrapped up a case in DC we had been working on for about a week. I had a few drinks, and after, Emily offered to drive me home. And well, we were talking and talking.. and somehow Emily accidentally drove to her own condo, being on auto-pilot and all." JJ could not resist a small smile that pulled at her lips at the memory. It had been the first one that came to mind. It was not a big pivotal moment, but to JJ it had been one of her nicest memories with Emily from before the Toledo case.

"She was embarrassed at first, but when I burst out in laughter, she did as well. She invited me inside, because I couldn't find it in my heart to let her drive me to the other side of town again. We talked for hours, about personal things, funny stories.. Our romantic lives. Or in Emily's case, the lack of one. Our youth. Pretty much everything. We talked until it was early in the morning, and we dozed off on the couch. It was one of the best nights I had had in a long while. I think she already made me feel things back then. I just didn't realize how much. I was deaf to the sound of my mind telling me whom I truly loved."

"But I can't help but wonder.. If I had listened.. Had known that I was attracted to her in other ways than us just as being friends.. And not letting her become that close to me.. If it had ever happened. If we'd ever.." JJ faltered, knowing that it did not really matter anymore. They lived in a world where the universe had decided that JJ would slowly walk towards Emily, knocking down her own walls. No one had forced her to. She had done it herself. And she had no regrets.

"We might not understand how the universe is constructed, and if there are reasons as to why the things that happen to us happen. And even moreso, what the world would have looked like if we had chosen differently in those situations." Dr. Huffstodt said calmly. "We do know in what place we are now, and if we are happy with the way we handled the obstacles on our way there. Things might be ugly, or unfair, or traumatic in any other sense, but what we do with them shapes us. It turns us into the people we are today."

"They say 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger', but that's only a half-truth. It makes you either weaker or stronger, and the way you manage to move on determines which of them it will be. And you can ask yourself, what are you willing to do to belong to the latter group of people, stronger than they were before, using the thing that once hurt them so badly in their favor." She leaned forward, piercing eyes boring into blue ones.

"So, Jennifer, you have to ask yourself what you want and if you're willing to fight for that cause, or if you want to put up with less than that. I'm going to tell you the truth, because there's no need to embellish it. It might hurt, and it might be ugly, so make sure that you're aware of what you're signing up for." Once the therapist had found her rhythm, she could not stop telling what these therapy sessions were really about, and if she wanted to be better or not. JJ could not help but feel a little overwhelmed by the short but powerful speech, but she also knew that she had to choose. And she had already made up her mind.

"I want to be better. Stronger." She answered resolutely, trying to put more confidence in her voice than she felt. She was scared. It was counter-instinctive, and everything in her told her that she had to run from everything, and repress every feeling and memory that were related to anything bad that had happened over those two months.

Dr. Huffstodt nodded, circling something on the paper that was attached to her clipboard. "Have you considered my offer to join group therapy sessions?"

JJ's mouth had gone dry and her muscles had tightened. She felt rather panicky, judging by the beating of her heart and the fact that her breathing had sped up. She had considered the offer, and she had concluded that it would do no wrong to just try. If it ended up being a terrible mistake, she could always change her mind. So she said: "I did. And the answer is yes." Even if her voice had sounded a bit shaky, she had muttered the words, and she sighed in relief. She did not even understand why, because the real fight had only just started.

"You're allowed to be frightened." The psychologist said softly, an amount of sympathy in her voice that was great enough to comfort JJ's worried mind. "Every normal human being would be. We're scared of changes. It's easy to advise others, but when it comes to ourselves, we have a harder time following up on them."

"It's ironic, because the work I do involves a lot of psychology. Plus, I communicate for a living. And still.." JJ voiced what had been haunting her for a while. It was as if she were teaching people to master the climbing wall, but when she was facing a mountain herself, she had no idea how to climb it. She knew that, in order to get somewhere with these sessions, she had to let go of the feeling that it was so illogical and did not make sense at all.

"I've had brain surgeons, psychologists, FBI agents, advisers, and several other kinds of professions that involve human psychology on this couch. Sometimes the doctor needs healing." And with that she effectively swept the internal debate JJ was having with herself off the table. "That's it for today. You can make another appointment and sign up for group therapy at my assistant's desk outside."

She got onto her feet, JJ mirroring her actions. She walked with her to the door, shaking her hand before letting her out. "Have a good week, Jennifer." She said as she pressed her hand against JJ's, their eyes meeting shortly.

"Thank you." The blonde responded. "I'll see you next week."

* * *

The dark-haired woman was sitting in her car, eyeing the building a blonde woman she was following had entered an ample hour before. When the woman left the building, she ducked down, trying to remain unseen. The last days had been stressful to the dark-haired woman, leaving her clueless as to how she were to resume her mission. But her little stake-out had given her hope again. She had finally concocted a legitimate plan.


	26. Chapter 26

After her appointment with Dr. Huffstodt JJ decided she did not want to return back to home yet. It would be empty anyway, and she did not like to be alone for the moment. So she decided to head to Quantico, visiting Garcia, since the rest of her colleagues were out of the state for a case.

“Hey, Pen!” JJ piped up when she walked through the door. The blonde was working her magic on her keyboard, temporarily distracted by JJ’s presence, but her eyes not leaving the screen. When apparently she was finished doing what she was doing, she turned around in her chair, her face molded into a brighter smile than JJ remembered the wobbly woman had.

“Jayje!” She exclaimed, quickly jumping onto her feet to envelope JJ in her arms. “How’s my blue-eyed beauty doing?”

JJ grinned, knowing from Garcia’s face that she was putting up a smiley face to mask her worry, but she was willing to play along as long as Garcia wanted her to.

“I’m actually pretty good,” JJ answered, not entirely truthfully, but something within JJ held back from voicing the anxiety and the worry she had felt barely thirty minutes ago. She would not even know what the technical analyst could do about it anyway, so she decided against telling her about her problems. She wanted to talk about the few things that did make her smile instead of the ones that faded every trace of one from her face.

“Tell me.” Garcia half-whispered, making JJ think she was in a conspiracy of some sorts, but without anyone informing her what the conspiracy was exactly about. She knitted her eyebrows in confusion.

“What?” She asked, beginning to get more confused by the face Garcia was making. A face that fell somewhere between a grin and sheer excitement.

“About the date!’ Garcia squealed, as if it had been the most obvious thing she could ever think of. JJ  could not help but look with a questioning face at the excited blonde, raising an eyebrow. “Emily couldn’t wipe her grin from her face, so..”

“You used your skills to get it out of her.” JJ finished her sentence for her, knowing exactly how persuasive Garcia could be when it came to private matters.

“She told me to ask you about it.” Garcia explained, looking somewhat frustrated at the brush-off. “You know how our sexy brunette is on private business.”

JJ chuckled. “Or she just didn’t want to deny me the honor of telling you all about it.” She pointed out. “Either way, I guess you want me to tell you about it?” JJ teased, not giving away anything about their date just yet. She sat down on the vacant seat next to Garcia, giving her feet some rest from lifting the extra weight she had gained over the last month due to the pregnancy.

“Is the sky blue?” Garcia asked rhetorically. “I wanna know every dirty detail.” Earning another chuckle from the petit woman.

“I can tell you up front that I won’t tell you about the dirty ones.” JJ stated, a fairly broad smirk decorating her face, earning a pout from the other blonde. “But I’ll tell you some details.”

“Then tell me about the date.” She settled, feigning disappointment, but sitting up straight and fixing her eyes on JJ, eager to get all the information she could get.

“It was the best night I’ve had in a very long time.” JJ replied cryptically.

“Did she take you to that new Italian restaurant about a mile from here?” Garcia questioned, moving to the edge of her seat. “That Chinese one she always swears by?”

JJ shook her head dismissively, a smile pulling at her lips. “Pizza Hut.”

Garcia’s mouth fell open, confusion spreading over her face. She squinted her eyes as if trying to assess if JJ was kidding. “You’re not joking?”

“No.” JJ countered, smiling broadly this time. “And it was exactly what I needed.” When Garcia kept quiet, JJ continued: “I don’t feel sexy right now, and I don’t feel in the mood to wear tight night dresses and be all too romantic. Emily makes me feel loved. Like I’m the only person in the whole room that makes her feel the things that she feels for me. She loves me, Garcia. And I love her. It took me some time to figure that out, but I know now.. what I should have known for a while. She’s the one I’m supposed to be with. And it seems awfully fast, because it’s just seven weeks ago that I kissed her. That I realized that what I felt for her transcended friendship, but I feel like I’ve felt this way about her as long as I know her. Being with her feels so right. It’s so different from anything I’ve ever felt for anyone else.”

Her voice died out as she studied Garcia’s face, that had changed into a smug grin. “Who would have thought that you would fall this hard?” She teased, earning a shy smile from JJ. “Jayje, you’re glowing. You don’t glow. You and Emily are two of the most down-to-Earth women I know.”

“I’m also pregnant, Pen.” JJ snickered, her hands covering her lower abdomen. “They say that makes women glow.”

“Yeah but you’re..” Garcia made half-pointing gesture at JJ, as if she wanted to emphasize what it was, but could not quite put a finger on it as to what it exactly was. “Your face does a thing when you talk about Emily. I’ve seen you talk about Emily before, and it was always with heart eyes, but this..”

“Heart eyes, really?” JJ chuckled again. She had to admit that she was a little nervous about talking about her feelings, something she was not entirely fond of when it came to feelings that were actually real.

“I mean, I get it, Jayje,” Garcia babbled on without any indication that she felt like dropping the subject. If anything, she took it up a notch.  “I would look like that when I was in a relationship with a woman that hot, and looks like she walked straight out of a superhero movie. And I bet she’s good with her hands and tongue..”

“Garcia!” The petite blonde exclaimed warningly, stopping Garcia’s train of words effectively. But once she watched her best friend, she grinned devilishly.

“She is, isn’t she?” She was sitting a little further on the edge of her seat, being extremely excited about the way she had interrogated the communications liaison, gaining the information she wanted. The way JJ had looked once she had brought up her magical hands and tongue.. She knew by one look at her face that she was right. A blush spread like a wildfire across JJ’s face, confirming Garcia’s theory.

As if on cue, the door opened, revealing Emily Prentiss. She stepped over the threshold with what JJ supposed to be a stack of files in one hand, and her go-bag over her shoulder. “Hello, ladies.” Her eyes fell on JJ, a pleasantly surprised smile decorating her face. Her eyes scanned the room and her two colleagues quickly, and she could only jump to one conclusion. “Were you talking about me?” She asked, suspicion in her voice. Then her eyes fell on the tech analyst, and she knew what they had been talking about. “It was about sex, wasn’t it?”

“Technically not. Your blonde-haired wonder isn’t in a mood for sharing.” Garcia replied, disappointment clearly audible. She knew the pouting and the voice were just a trick to gather intel, but Emily was not going to fall for that. She had a better plan.

“Of course she isn’t.” Emily walked up to Garcia’s desk, dropping the stack of case files next to her computer, deliberately letting her hand stay in place on top of it, moving the tips of her fingers over the material. “If she were to tell you, she would have competition. We both know she’s smarter than that, obviously.” She grinned smugly at the blonde, who pushed her glasses up her nose, her mouth entirely agape by then. Emily turned around and walked into JJ’s direction, kissing her on her cheek. “See you in thirty minutes, love,” she said with a husky voice, before she walked out the door with a strut that contained even more swagger than usually .

When the door closed behind her, Garcia snapped out of her little trance. JJ knew that she was having mental imagines in her head right then, and decided it would be nice of her to bring the subject to safer grounds. “They’re back from the case?” She questioned, even though it was quite obvious they were, since Emily had just walked in with her go-bag.

“They wrapped up their case a few hours ago.” The dumbfounded blonde responded, slowly finding back her tongue. “Caught the unsub while he was trying to snatch another victim.” Her eyes assessed JJ’s features as she spoke, drawing the conclusion: “You miss the job, don’t you?”

“I do.” JJ sighed. “I just can’t return yet. With everything going on, it’s too much. I can’t trust myself enough to get the job done. This isn’t a desk job where I’m allowed to make mistakes. If I make a mistake, I could endanger people’s lives. I wish I could return already, but everything between being pregnant and having to cope with everything that happened makes me a liability. What if I get a flashback during a press conference? I can’t risk it.” JJ explained. She knew Garcia already knew all of that, given the job, but it felt more real when she spoke about it.

“I get it, Jayje.” Garcia stated, sympathy  all over her face. “Just take your time. I want my friend to be well, but you can only go so fast.” She added, standing up to hug her friend tightly. Something within the smaller woman twisted, making it harder to breathe. Her heart ached, and she did not exactly know why. Her eyes were stinging and the urge to cry threatened to overwhelm her in that moment. She fought them, though. Fought the tears, and the thoughts. She did not want to drift off in her sadness right then. She just wanted to be better, _feel_ better. She did not want to feel on the edge of a nervous breakdown like this. She did not want to wear her heart on a sleeve like this, breaking out in tears wherever she went.

She felt like she was breaking, even more so than she already had. Like a vase that had fallen into dozens of pieces, but was meeting the other end of a rather violent hammer, effectively pulverizing whatever was left. She could not grasp why it was happening, because strictly seen nothing bad was happening to her in that moment. Actually, the things that were happening in her life over the course of a few weeks were good things. Great things even.

Yes, she had been through her share of bad experiences over a short time span, but she was putting back her life on the rails. She was still standing, fighting even. Then why was she feeling like the opposite was happening?

She got pulled out of her train of thoughts by Garcia, who was scrutinizing her carefully. JJ wished she would stop with that, because it was making her feel somewhat uncomfortable. She had always considered Garcia her best friend, but she did not feel like talking about everything that was wrong. If she had to point a finger to the sore spot, she would not even know where to point. And she knew Garcia would not know the answer either. The blonde had been through her fair share of bad luck, but never like the things JJ had been through, and she doubted that she would understand.

“Thanks, Pen.” She finally said, trying to force a smile that did not seem too artificial. She really meant it, because for a few minutes she had felt normal. Somehow, though, there seemed to be clouds behind every silver lining, taking away the light again once she felt comfortable in her own skin, like things felt right for once. There was something immensely unfair about that. She tried to fight it, as much as she fought the injustice she saw in her everyday life; at her job.

It turned out that she needed a lot more when the battle was more personal. And the people she were fighting, were actually ghosts. Thin like mist, dissolving in the air as she tried to grab them. She was standing in the middle of a mine field, but she was blindfolded. She was scared and she felt helpless. Still, there was something within her that kept pushing her forward; kept her going.

She snapped back into reality as the uneasiness within her kept invading her body, burning through her veins, like a sickness she felt spreading through her limbs. She needed to leave and that feeling threatened to overwhelm her all of a sudden. She desperately wanted to run, but she kept her calm, even though every fiber of her being screamed at her; told her to bolt. She tried not to show Garcia how she felt in that moment, but her hands had started shaking. Her breathing was shallow and fast, and her heart was beating in her throat. She could not find a good excuse as to why she had to leave so urgently, because truth be told, she did not know why. All that she knew was that she was clearly ridden with panic, and she needed to get away as far as possible, as soon as possible..

* * *

 Twenty minutes later Emily made her way back to Garcia’s office, expecting to find JJ. A couple of minutes earlier, the younger woman had messaged her, asking if she could tag along with Emily after work, because she had walked up there from her psychologist’s appointment. But when she opened the door of Garcia’s office, she only found the technical analyst.

“Hey, Garcia, do you know where JJ is?” Emily inquired, not being able to wipe the puzzled look from her face.

“She told me she was on her way to you.” Garcia replied, barely looking up from her screen as her fingers kept rattling on the keys of her keyboard. Before that could change into a concerned interrogation, Emily mumbled an excuse about JJ already being at the car and how she must have forgotten before she closed the door behind her again.

Almost as if on autopilot she found her way to JJ’s office. She figured that if JJ wanted to be alone, her office would grant her that solitary more than any other place in the FBI building. When she finally reached the room, it turned out she was right. JJ was sitting on the floor against the wall behind her desk. She was hugging her legs, her face buried in her knees.

“Jayje?” Emily questioned softly, trying not to scare the woman by suddenly walking in. “You okay?” She knew she was not, but JJ’s reaction to the question would confirm if she wanted Emily to be in her presence or not. She looked up from her knees, her eyes still dry, but her face betrayed that she was upset.

“I just needed some time alone.” She sighed in defeat, her voice hoarse with emotion. Despite the words, Emily took it as an invite and walked down to the younger woman, sitting down next to her.

“It’s too much, isn’t it?” She asked rhetorically, looking at her troubled girlfriend. She was not sure if the woman wanted her to touch her, so she fought the urge to hold her hand or touch her in any other way.

“It’s just..” JJ started, but her voice faltered for a moment. She seemed to be thinking about what it was exactly what she desired to say, or how to even put into words what she felt, so Emily gave her the time. “Every time I want to do something.. Other than being at home all day.. This wave of extreme panic washes over me and renders me completely incapable of doing anything other than run. Whenever I’m home alone I crave for human attention, but once I have it, like with Garcia, I feel this extreme need to leave.” She closed her eyes, as if she was remembering the feeling she had just had. “It’s smothering me. Keeps me from breathing. I feel so helpless.” She admitted, her voice still shaky, but she finally looked up at the woman sitting next to her.

“I know.” Emily sighed. “I wish I could do something for you, other than offer words or support you whenever you need me to. You’re suffering from symptoms of PTSD, and one of them is anxiety. But I’m positive you already know that. That doesn’t make it go away, but you know what it is, and you’re seeking help. It won’t happen right away, but you’ll be okay, Jayje. You’re a fighter, and you’re strong. And I’ve said that so many times already, but I really believe it’ll be fine. You may feel depressed and anxious now, but it’ll be better.”

“Then why don’t I feel like I’m doing better? If anything, I’d say I was doing worse than a few weeks ago.” She breathed, an undertone of frustration audible in her voice. It was subtle, but Emily caught it. “I feel like I’m ripping open old wounds, while I’m supposed to be healing my new ones.”

“Sometimes our old wounds are more entangled with our new ones than you’d think at first.” The profiler pointed out. It was something she had come to believe profoundly in. If anything was sure, it was that some old scars had more influence on a person than they would think initially. When the younger woman did not respond, Emily added some words about a life lesson she had learned about a long time ago. Something she had found to be true on several occasions in her life, and which she still carried around with her after all this time.

“Just because you have stepped in a nail and forgot about it, doesn’t mean it’s not still there. It’s just gotten deeper and deeper. The wounds healed and layers of skin cover the once exposed sore spot in your foot. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there anymore. Just because you don’t feel it when you walk, doesn’t mean you don’t feel it when you run. You’re carrying a heavy load right now, Jayje, and it’s putting pressure on that nail. It’s hurting again. And the worst thing about it is that you have to scratch off all those layers of skin before you can remove the nail.”

Seconds, maybe minutes passed by as they sat there in silence, JJ letting Emily’s words sink in. It made sense. It was something she believed in. She had seen it on the job, and as well had she seen it in her life. She was never good at dealing with her problems. Small ones maybe, but not the big ones. The big ones that kept eating at her, and that were always there in the background. She was way better at ignoring them, and putting them away in the back of her mind. So that was what she did, and what she had always done.

“I know.” JJ sighed once she had processed the words. “But.. It’s one thing to know it. It’s so much harder to actually deal with these things. I come across things that are so deep inside that I’d rather not think or talk about it ever again. I thought I was over them. I know now that it’s not true, but..” JJ paused, not exactly knowing how to end that sentence.

“You hoped you were. But it still hurts.” Emily finished it. “It still hurts when you talk about it, and that’s why you know it’s true.”

JJ nodded slowly, closing her eyes again. She felt tears coming up again, but she fought them. “I didn’t think talking about her would hurt so much. After all this time..” A sob left her mouth, before she could do something to cover it up.

Emily wrapped her arm around the distraught woman’s shoulders, pulling her against her side. “You don’t have to hold back your tears for me.” She said softly as her thumbs stroked JJ’s arm in a soothing manner. “Or for yourself.”

“I’m just so tired.” JJ choked, tears clinging to her eyes this time. Then she finally gave in and leaned into Emily’s touch, burying her face in the older woman’s shoulder. She let the tears flow, for what felt like the nth time that day. JJ was so exhausted, and she hated being this weepy, but she could not fight it any longer; not when she had to fight so much already.

“I know.” Emily breathed, holding JJ close to her, caressing her girlfriend and making sure she was as comfortable as she could get. She knew words were useless in that moment; that they would never fill the void, and that they would never take away the burden JJ was carrying.

The only thing that mattered was that she was there, that she was there to support JJ.


	27. Chapter 27

If you want to lie to the people who are closest to you, who love you the most, you have to believe the lie. You have to  _become_  the lie.

* * *

"I'm done with th-" Emily paused halfway her sentence as she reached the couch and noticed JJ had fallen asleep. She smiled lightly and grabbed the blanket that was situated on the arm of the couch, carefully draping it over the sound asleep woman. She glanced at the woman before she took seat in her favorite armchair, picking up a book she was hiding underneath some old paper from a few days before.

About an hour later, Emily was still taking in the words in one of her favorite books, when JJ started stirring, going unnoticed by the reading woman. She peered through the hairs of her eyelashes, spying on her girlfriend. She was a bit drowsy from her nap, so she could not quit figure out what the title of the book said, but she had her suspicions.

"What are you reading?" She asked sleepily, pulling the blanket that was covering her a little more up to her chin, wrapping herself in it just a tad more.

"Hm?" Emily hummed, apparently not quite aware of the now awake woman yet, absorbed in the book.

"Is it what I think it is?" JJ questioned, smiling lightly. She recognized the book, because she had read it herself, but she would not have thought the brunette would read it. This time she had caught the woman's attention though.

"And what's that?" sounded from the armchair.

"You're reading Silence of the Lambs." JJ stated, not questioned. She was almost certain it was the book, knowing the moth on the cover of the book was unmistakably Thomas Harris' novel about Dr. Hannibal Lecter. She was a little more than amused by it though, especially because it seemed like Emily was trying to hide reading it.

"Am I?" Emily asked, not looking up from her book just yet.

"'A census taker once tried to test me.'" JJ began, coming up with her best Anthony Hopkins voice. "'I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.'" She earned a grin from the other woman, her eyes finally leaving the pages.

"It's actually Amarone in the book." She pointed out, a smile pulling at her lips at all times. "But I appreciate you trying."

JJ rolled her eyes, only pretending to be lightly irritated by the correction. "You're just jealous that you can't do it as well as I can."

"Oh please." Emily said with the air of a diva, almost in a scoffing way. "I'm obviously the Clarice in this case."

"Because you're both brunettes?" JJ asked with a grin on her face, her eyebrows raised as if mocking the brunette she was talking about.

"Because I'm a badass, and you know it." Emily smirked back, closing the book and putting it away. "And you love that about me." She added confidently.

"Nah." JJ said, not looking impressed. The other woman scoffed in response, getting up from the seat she was sitting in. She walked up to her girlfriend, squinting her eyes dangerously, but the younger woman was still not impressed.

"You will regret this, Jareau." She threatened, but the wrinkles next to her eyes betrayed her amusement, as did the pull at the corners of her mouth.

"What will you do? Call the FBI?" JJ dared, her eyes following every move of the woman that was slowly approaching her like a hungry lion, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

"She's just arrived." She said when she was standing inches away from JJ, who had her eyes trained on her and had shifted further on the couch, leaving enough space for Emily. The older woman took the hint and leaned on the couch with one knee, bending over, bringing her face close to the younger woman's ear. "Imagine what she could do." She whispered, causing JJ's breath to hitch.

"Hmm." The blonde hummed in response. "Mind to give me an impression?"

* * *

Not everything that Emily Prentiss did was an illusion, but sometimes her actions needed to be concealed from the outside world, and in particular the important people that were in her life. One of the things that belonged to this category of sensitive actions was her further investigation to the Julian Peters case.

It was a classical 'not being able to let a case go' situation. Emily had not had these moments quite often, but this time the case kept calling her name, kept occupying her mind. This case was different from any other, and the situation called for measures. She had loved ones to take care of. To protect. And she could not do that if her mind kept shouting fire in a crowded theater at every reference to Julian Peters.

Julian Peters had captured JJ, but Emily had not really gotten her back when she had invaded the cabin, that had successfully lead to saving her girlfriend. He had taken a sense of security that seemed to have protected her before she was abducted. And it did not sit well with Emily. She had a suffocating feeling in her chest whenever she thought about it, and she wanted – even moreso needed – to get rid of it.

She could not fathom exactly what was going on and why she was feeling the way she did. The case was closed. They had caught the unsub and he was in prison, awaiting trial that would most certainly lead to a life-sentence, if not death penalty.

So what was it that she felt like this? Like the things that had happened on the case did not add up, and everything that had happened from the point that Peters had abducted JJ was exactly what he had wanted. Everything he had planned. Like it was his endgame all along.

At first she had tried to push away the thoughts and suspicions that were eating away on her consciousness, ignoring them to the point where they rudely kept resurfacing to her main thread of thoughts, changing her day-to-day mindset and interrupting her normal flow of ideas about basically everything else.

Emily Prentiss was a woman that knew she could rely on her instincts. They had brought her to where she was in life: alive and kicking ass. Hence, when she realized repressing was not the answer, not the way to satisfy her busy mind, she had called in a favor. She had arranged for one of the detectives they had worked closely with on the Peters case to send her some notes on the case, and copies of the better part of the paper work.

So here and there she found herself looking through the notes and papers and staring herself blind on every piece of evidence. They had not brought her anywhere, and her busy consciousness had even turned more paranoid and anxious. The more she looked into them, she noticed small holes in their case. Tiny puncture marks that were hardly visible to the naked eye, but the fact that they were there meant something.

It meant that there was a possibility that they had overlooked a very significant part of the case, that maybe they were not out of the woods yet. Maybe JJ was not safe and the more Emily thought about it, the more she wanted the two of them to move to the other side of the world, change their names and never look back at their old life.

But that was not Emily. Emily Prentiss did not shy away from danger. She did not run. She faced danger. Protected the ones that were closest to her from it. And she knew running away would not grant her that. They would be just that: on the run. She would always look over her shoulder, and more importantly: how would she explain to JJ what was going on? Why she wanted to run? Everything she felt was based on suspicions, not proof.

Everything they had in their lives, and everyone they loved was in Quantico. Emily could not ask from her to leave it all behind, forget them and cut all contacts. Hell, she did not even think she wanted to do that herself, even though she had done it plenty of times before. This was different. The people from the BAU were her family, and they had given her JJ. She could not forget about them. And she did not want to.

So here she found herself, sneaking around with her notes on the Peters case hidden in The Silence of the Lambs, pointing out everything that was wrong with the case and how they solved it. From the warning call made from the Netherlands to the fake hospital call to inform JJ on Will's accident. It was clear that Peters had an accomplice, but it was not so much the question that  _if_ there was one, the question was  _who._  And that was still a mystery unsolved.

She considered his old friend in college. But they had been estranged since he had left. And there was nothing indicating that they had had any contact after that. Besides, he had not left the country. Not once in his life. And it was almost certain the accomplice had been in the States at least once.

So, then who was it? Emily could not figure it out. She knew she actually needed someone to brainstorm ideas with, but she did not know who to confide in. She did not want others to carry the burden of worrying about them not being safe. Not like she did. She needed someone distant enough not to worry, but close enough to care enough to be invested in solving the case. To take her seriously about her concerns.

And with that in mind she decided to let it be her own secret investigation for the time being.

* * *

Emily was absent-mindedly drawing circles on the exposed skin of JJ's lower abdomen. The younger woman was lying with a pillow propped up against the back of their bed, half-sitting up. Emphasizing the 'half', because about thirty minutes earlier she had sat right up. Sleep and exhaustion had taken the better part of her though, so now she was sleepily staring through her eyelashes, not bothering to keep her eyes open more than she already did.

"We don't have a name yet." JJ mumbled softly, apparently being awake enough to come up with the right words to form a normal sentence.

"Hm?" Emily looked up over JJ's baby-bump, not realizing what JJ had said merely seconds ago. Once she had processed the words she added: "Oh, a name."

She had to admit that she had not given it much thought yet. She had just – or maybe not even – processed the fact that she was becoming a mother. Things like a name, or even a nursery.. They did not even have a nursery yet. The due date was an ample month away, and now she realized that they did not do any preparation or anything whatsoever.

She knew that JJ was engrossed in some maternity books, but Emily herself had not done anything of that sort, being too caught up in work and other things. But now that she thought about it, she felt bad about it. She felt awful for forgetting these things that normal people would have thought about.

Normal people would have prepared every single thing, from the nursery to the go-bag they needed once the mother's water had broken. They would have started saving money for college, and make their condos safe for kids. They would have gone shopping for clothes and diapers and.. basically everything baby-related.

"Do you have any suggestions?" Emily asked, trying to keep her voice steady, even though she felt like throwing up. She was good at that: pretending that everything was fine. It was something she normally took pride in, but this time she felt sick about it. She did not like to hide her true feelings for the one person she wanted to trust, but it was something so natural to her, that she did not quite know how to do differently.

"What's wrong?" JJ asked, and when Emily looked back up at the woman, she noticed her eyes were wide open this time, and there was a worried look on her face. When Emily did not answer immediately, she sat up straight, taking a good look at the older woman. "I know something's wrong. I can see it in your eyes. I can hear it in your voice."

Again, it was quiet. Emily did not know how to voice whatever it was that was wrong, so she just stared at JJ. She did not even know if she wanted to burden the younger woman with just another thing to worry about. Something that was not even her problem. It was Emily's problem. So she should deal with it herself.

"You don't have to do it all alone, you know." JJ said softly, moving over the bed to Emily's side, taking her hand in hers. "I know you want to. I know how you always think you can carry everything on your own, how you want to protect other people from whatever is bothering you. And I know it's hard for you, but it's okay to let me in sometimes." She stopped talking to see if the words had sunk in with the other woman, choosing her next words carefully.

"I don't want you to change. I don't want you to be someone you're not or feel uncomfortable with being. That's not what I'm asking from you. I'm asking you to trust me. I won't break. I'm not broken. I can take whatever is on your mind. And I won't hurt you. I won't betray you." JJ promised, her eyes never leaving her girlfriend. She knew it made her feel uncomfortable. She knew it was not what Emily was used to do. She was used to being the mysterious person, the badass woman that could not be broken. The woman that could take everything. And JJ believed that Emily was strong. But she also knew that she was a closed book, always wanting to struggle with everything on her own. "I just want to help."

Emily let out a deep breath. "I know." She sighed, her voice just a whisper. She was not used to being forthcoming with personal information. Not even with JJ. She had opened up about a few things before, but it was not her first nature. It was not something that came easily.

"It's also okay if you don't want to talk." JJ added. "I don't think you should be fixed. I don't even think you have anything to fix at all. And I love you for who you are, you know that. I love your mysterious side and I respect your decisions. I just want you to know that whatever it is what you're hiding, it would be safe with me. And maybe I can help with it. I just want you to be happy. And if that means you tell me or not.. Whatever it is that makes you happy, that's up to you."

"Thank you." Emily said, her voice laced with sincerity. She was touched by the words. She had always been a woman of secrecy, but most people that had tried to get close to her, always tried to knock down her walls. They wanted to prod and pry in her personal life. They desired things of her that she just could not give. It had been the reason that many relationships Emily had with people eventually stranded at some point in her life.

And she thought there was a chance that it would happen between JJ and Emily as well. She did not need for JJ to understand why she was like this. She had been this way as long as she could remember and she never even considered changing that about herself. Anything else felt just wrong, and it kept her safe.

"Thank you for being you." Emily resumed, attempting to emphasize how much it meant to her that JJ had said the words she had. "It really means a lot to me. I know I'm not really good with this kind of stuff.. Letting people in.. Talk about real feelings.. Doing relationships.."

"You're good enough at it with me." JJ pointed out, squeezing the hand she was still holding. "I don't need you to wear your heart on your sleeve or share every secret. You make me feel loved and you're exactly everything I need. That's enough for me."

Emily smiled weakly at the other woman, not quite knowing how to continue the conversation. She had her words ready most of the time, but in these situations her first instinct was to brush off the subject and talk about something else. Something that took place on a much safer territory. "I think I'll screw up." Emily admitted, her voice extremely low by the time she had opened her mouth to say the words.

"Screw up what?" JJ asked in surprise, not actually expecting a confession, or anything for that matter.

"Everything." She responded softly, her eyes averting to their hands that were still linked together. It was easier to focus on something else, something other than those two blue eyes that were piercing right into hers. Normally she was the one giving that look, but being on the receiving end was quite another thing. "Being a mom. Being your girlfriend."

"Why do you think you'd screw up any of those?" JJ inquired, her eyes raising, but her voice still soft as ever. She knew that this was big. She knew the woman would not say the words if she did not mean them. She was scared, and it was a serious fear at that.

"There's a reason I didn't have any of those before." Emily explained. "It's because I'm not good at them. I'm not good at talking, or letting people get close. For a living, I get into the heads of the worst people that walk around on the face of this planet." She sighed. "It's just an addition of those things.. that makes it hard to live with me. I'm a very solitary person. And I've always been like that."

When neither of them said anything for the next couple of moments, JJ decided to break the silence. "I know you are like that. I knew you were like that from the start. You're solitary. So what? I don't care you're secretive. I don't have to know every single thing about you to know you. Not if you don't want me to know those things. It doesn't matter. I love you either way." JJ took a break, sorting out the words that were in her head. "There's a lot more to love about you than those things, Emily. And I've always felt drawn to your mysterious sides. They're not a bad thing."

"We don't have a nursery. The condo isn't baby-ready." Emily began, changing the subject and trying to make JJ understand that she had already failed as a future mother. That even if she could see past the 'flaws' she had just mentioned, there was always this.

"Is that what you're worrying about?" JJ breathed, her mouth slightly agape. She stared at her girlfriend, taking in the creases in the skin of her face. They expressed concern, that much was clear. And JJ realized that most of the things Emily had just said over the couple of minutes they had been talking about, were rooted in this very sentence, in this very worry. "You think you'll screw up because you've forgotten about things like having baby clothes and a crib?"

"It's only a month away.." Emily started, biting down on her own lip, looking somewhat distraught. "If I can't do this right already.. Then how am I supposed to look out for an actual kid?"

"Okay, first off.." JJ jumped in. She knew the woman could go on and on about everything that was wrong about how she was handling all of it. "You're not alone. I am here. I am his mother too. You don't have to raise him on your own. You have other things on your mind as well, and I get that. That's okay. We'll manage it together. Secondly, who says I don't have any of those things? In my old house I have some things, and my mother has a perfectly good crib we can use. At least until we have something for ourselves." She fell silent for a moment, letting Emily mull over what she had just said, but did not give her quite enough time to form other protests.

And then she realized something else. The real source of the conversation they were having in that moment. Something she should have thought of in the first place, because it was something she felt she did, too.

"And thirdly.. I don't think the reason you never have long-lasting relationships is that you're secretive. It's not because you're a profiler and it's not because you're not good at talking about your feelings." JJ stated, her voice was still soft, but there was a kind of certainty in JJ's voice that made Emily's eyes drift to JJ's, frowning thoughtfully.

"It's because you push people away. You make a list of things that are wrong, and throw them in my face like you can chase me away. I'm not leaving you over those things, Emily. It won't work. You might have pushed everyone else away, but I won't let you do that. And if I'm remembering this right, when I was on the verge of breaking up with Will, you pushed me back to him. I do the same. I push people away. But you shouldn't push people away that make you happy. And you're the person that made me realize it. So don't push me away now. Not when you tell me you shouldn't."

"I.." Emily muttered, swallowing thickly, not sure what she was trying to say. She knew the words JJ had been saying were true. She knew that was exactly what she did: push people away. And she had not only been doing it to people she was romantically involved with. It had been friends as well. It had become second nature to her, to the point where it seemed innate.

She had forgotten to even think about it, and the consequences it had. If she kept pushing people away, she would end up alone. That had never bothered her, but there was also a part of her that agreed with JJ.  _You shouldn't push people away that make you happy._ And those words appeared to resonate through the woman's mind.

"You're right. That's exactly what I've been doing. And you're right. You should hold onto the people that make you happy. And that you can make happy in return." She smiled warmly at JJ. "And you make me happy."

A wide grin spread over the woman's face, blue eyes sparkling in a way that made Emily want to last forever. JJ cupped Emily's jaw with her free hand, the older woman leaning into the hand as soon as it touched her skin.

They just sat there for a few moments, Emily drowning in JJ's eyes, neither of them thinking of the things that had happened over the last two months. Neither of them thought of Julian Peters or William LaMontagne, or any of the repercussions of his death.

Neither of them thought of how Julian Peters had squeezed the life out of Will, right in front of JJ. How she was struggling with her sleep ever since. How at his funeral, JJ and Emily had stood in the back row, watching his family lower him in his grave.. How JJ had gotten ill, causing them to leave prematurely. How JJ had felt bad about it from the moment they had gotten into the car and drove away.

It was just plain happiness. For a few moments. They had had a serious moment, and it had nothing to do with any of the unfortunate events that had occurred over the span of two months.

It was moments like these that kept JJ going. The ones that made it worth fighting for everything. The ones that made it easier to haul herself out of bed in the morning, even though it took her more energy than she had remembered it had ever cost.

"I want him to have your last name." JJ broke the silence, suddenly and surprisingly. Emily looked up, visibly astonished by the suggestion. She had not even given it a thought. She had allowed herself to let herself play with ideas of baby names, but she had assumed he would be named after JJ. Which made sense in her head.

"You d-" She wanted to protest, say that he would have JJ's name. That she did not care about her own last name anyway, but before she could mutter anything else, JJ interrupted her.

"Shh." She hushed. "He already has my biology. I want him to have your family name."

"But I d-.. It's just a name." Emily tried to bring in. She did not want JJ to feel obligated to do this. For any reason.

"Well, if it doesn't mean so much.. then why is it a problem if he has your name?" JJ retorted, effectively using Emily's own argument against herself. For the second time in approximately ten minutes time.

"That's not how it works, JJ. You can't use my words against me." Emily muttered, slightly offended. But the wrinkles in her face betrayed her amusement. JJ leaned in, pecking Emily on her nose.

"Watch me." She said daringly, a grin spreading on her face.


	28. Announcement

I already posted this on FF.net (where I started this fic almost two years ago.. while I didn't start posting it here since last year July, I think.. I copied it from there, so that's what the 252 follows is about, and the two years.. of course not to forget the 70 kudos I have earned here..) Anyway, here it is:

_ Hello! _

_First of all, I'm very sorry for those of you who have been waiting for an update all these weeks.. Because you're not so lucky._

_I've been pondering about this for a while, and I'm very sorry to say it, but I'm going to put this fanfiction on hold for an indefinite time. That doesn't mean I'm not going to write anything for it anymore, just not now. Maybe not ever, who knows. I feel very bad about it, because I vowed that I'd finish it and that I'd do my best. But it's been almost two years and I've gotten more work-load from uni, which means that I also have less time to write for this fic._

_Now, if there were lots of people interested in how it's going to go, I would have considered going on, resuming the story.. I would have finished it in the way I've planned out two years ago. But in those two years it's gotten me more and more anxious, and the hours it took me to write and complete a chapter grew.. and on top of that I got fewer reviews, so I felt like I was failing you all.. Now there is a few of you who are very loyal to this fic, and it's especially for you that I have tried to get myself to write again, and I have been for quite a while, but it's just not going to work anymore. I'm getting to a point in the story that I've been working to for so long, and I'm so scared to mess that up.. It's just too much._

_So, I hope you understand that, and aren't too mad at me for quitting.. I have 252 people who follow this story, which I'm very grateful for.. and which has been a blessing in so many ways. And so, I'm sorry to all of you because it sucks when a story is left unfinished. I have considered writing an epilogue of some kind, but I would have never been able to round it up that way. Not the way it was supposed to be. And I wouldn't forgive myself to wrap it up too messily like that. I spent too much time plotting out those things._

_Again, I'm very sorry, and I thank you all for staying with this story for so long.. to no avail. I know how frustrating it is when a story isn't wrapped up. Which is why I've been trying.. And I'm never saying never, but I thought I owed you an explanation as to why I haven't been updating much in the first place. Maybe when I have more time again._

_Thank you all,_

_Mathemagician_


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it's still appropriate but happy new year to all of you who celebrate it on January 1st :D Anyhoo, it's been over 1.5 years that I wrote the last real chapter (and even almost 1.5 years since I wrote that announcement), and a lot has happened since then.. Like, I finally finished my bachelor's degree in math, so yay to that :D Also started a master's, so I'm still very busy xD Also, Paget came back to Criminal Minds.. which actually got the wheels in my head spinning again until I couldn't really ignore the wish to write another chapter for this fic again.
> 
> Anyhow, 1.5 years is quite a long time.. as it was almost the same amount of time that I was writing this fic in the first place :p So you can guess that my writing style has changed a bit.. and also, I tried, but I couldn't really find it within me to read back the fic in its entirety (I don't like reading my own stuff xD).. I've read the last two chapters though, so I know what happened last, and of course I know the bigger storylines but you have to forgive me if there's gonna be plotholes. I'll try to avoid them but I cannot promise anything!
> 
> Also, this is one chapter, but I already have a second one almost-ready.. I first intended this to be one chapter but it was looong and also the second part is pretty heavy again, whereas this one is very light-hearted. So I split them up in two parts instead. And I need to stress that my announcement still stands, as nothing about my time management has changed (I'm working on my master's degree now so I'm not swimming in free time xD) but if y'all are very enthusiastic about this and whatever, I might find it easier to find the motivation :p
> 
> Anyway, I have no idea if any of you is still reading this fic anymore.. but I must say that I was very touched by the amount of people that responded to my announcement.. and again - if I haven't responded to it personally - thank you! :)
> 
> Enough talk now, have fun!

 

It had been three days since Emily almost pulled one of the most self-destructive moves she ever had in her life. JJ and Emily had not really talked about that night again, but JJ could still feel the impact that it had had on Emily. She knew that Emily was mulling over the words that JJ had said in her head and processing the meaning of it. Processing what JJ had said she felt for Emily.

Nothing much had changed, though, and JJ was glad about that. Maybe things had gotten a bit easier between the two of them. How they acted around each other.

Emily had come home from work the night prior, appearing strange and a bit uncomfortable. For a brief second JJ had thought that maybe she had some bad news, that she had thought things through and concluded that she could not give JJ what she needed. What she wanted. That she was going to leave her after all. She could not help but think those things, even if JJ knew that Emily would not do that. Not like that.

She had held up something that looked like a old-fashioned pager. Emily had told her that, if JJ were to push some buttons in the right sequence, that she would receive a signal on her phone that would let her know that JJ was in labor. Or so she said. JJ had felt as though it was more some kind of panic button, that she could push whenever she was in distress and needed Emily. But she did not say that. She figured that Emily needed to tell her it was for the baby so JJ did not know it was because she worried about her. Because of the things that had happened.

JJ knew that Emily had changed because of those things. She knew that she shouldered those burdens, too. Maybe they had not affected them in the same way as they had with JJ, but she was aware that Emily had changed around JJ. She was more defensive over JJ than before. Was casting more looks in her general direction than before, keeping an eye on her in a manner that suggested it could keep her safe, and keep her from being abducted again.

JJ sighed. She was currently sitting on a park bench. She had made it a habit to take a walk on a daily basis, so she would get her share of exercise. But the amount of miles she walked was decreasing as her pregnancy progressed, and she had been teased by Emily on multiple occasions for being so persistent in her walks, considering her ankles were getting more swollen by the week and with that more crankier with JJ's insistence. That did not keep Emily from massaging her feet every time she came home from a case, though. Emily somehow always tried to make her comfortable in every way.

She let her eyes fall to her hands that were resting on her abdomen. Her son was kicking every once in a while, reminding her that he was still there. She found comfort in that. Like she found comfort in repeating the sequence that Emily had showed her the night prior, the one she had been pushing on the buttons of the pager for the past half hour. Even if she were alone in the park, or alone at home or wherever she was, she could not help but feel surrounded by the people she cared for the most.

That meant Emily, but also Garcia, and Reid, and all of her other coworkers. That meant her parents, and her unborn son, but also Will. Even if she could not suppress the pain she felt in her chest every time she thought of him.

For a moment she let her thoughts drift back to the worst day of her life. Back in the chair. Will on the floor.

Her eyes ran out of focus, and once she realized what she was allowing herself to relive those moments, she snapped out of it, forcing herself to focus on something else. Her fingers were nervously clicking the buttons on the pager, and so she tried to stop, counting her breaths instead.

She inhaled slowly, and exhaled even more slowly, in an attempt to calm herself down. She tried to focus on Emily instead. On her hair. Her eyes. Her smile. She tried to imagine specific memories that had made her feel better. Had made her forget the painful memories and experiences that left such a bad taste in her mouth, that let her relive those moments as if she were there again.

She closed her eyes, willing away the bad thoughts and trying to make way for the good ones.

She wished she could just go to the gym and have her way with a punching bag. Or go running. Or any other way she could fight something tangible. She wanted to _do_ something. Not that she was not able to fight the struggles that her own mind provided her with, but it was just easier. And it was also something that ended. This was everlasting. The memories that kept bubbling up, whether she was awake or asleep.

There was not much she could do to protect herself from them. But that was probably the problem with trauma in general, and something she only started to understand this well now that she was actually attempting to deal with it instead of running away. It had a habit of catching up with her one way or the other. She had learned that the hard way.

She exhaled. She gazed at a fixed point on the ground, forcing her eyes into focus again.

When she had cleared her head, she scrambled up from the bench, pocketing the pager. She looked around her, observing the park. There were not that many people. A woman walking her dog, a man with a stroller, two kids that were probably playing hooky.

She watched them for a second, before she decided she had spent enough time away from home and made a move to leave. She took the long way home, though.

Half an hour later, she walked into the building of Emily's apartment. She smiled at the doorman as she walked past him, earning a smile back from him immediately. Instead of taking the stairs, as she usually did, she decided to take the elevator, her ankles already complaining.

When she opened the door of the apartment, she heard a lot of noises coming from the inside of the apartment. She stepped inside, and she was immediately greeted by the sight of Emily and Morgan, who were clumsily maneuvering a desk through the small hallway in the direction of the living room. By the amount of dust on Emily's red tank top, JJ guessed that they had been cleaning out Emily's office.

She watched them struggle for half a minute, apparently going unnoticed in doing so. Emily was too busy uttering instructions at Morgan, and Morgan's back was turned at her.

"Hey guys." She finally said with a grin. Emily almost dropped her end of the desk in response, and Morgan's shoulders visibly jolted, but other than that he showed no sign that he was all that startled.

"Hey Jayje." Emily responded with a smile, which molded in a grimace when the desk landed on her foot when it slipped from her hand after all. "Shit." She mumbled, followed by a few other curse words, but Morgan's greeting drowned out the muttering.

Reid's head appeared around the corner of the office. "Hey, JJ." He smiled. He was holding a lampshade, and did not look as sweaty and dusty as Morgan and Emily, so she guessed he had primarily done lighter work.

"What are you guys doing?" JJ asked with an amused frown on her face. She folded her arms in front of her chest and leaned against the doorpost.

"I eh.." Emily started, stumbling over the desk to get to her. Morgan frowned at her, silently communicating that she needed to find her chill, but it went either straight past Emily, or she just ignored him. "Can I talk to you in the hallway?"

Apparently she was a bit embarrassed in front of her coworkers, which amused JJ even more. She opened the door further to let Emily go outside first, not budging an inch. So Emily had no choice than to push herself past her to get outside, giving JJ a defiant look in the process.

"Don't like to publicly display affection?" JJ questioned with a grin, pulling the front door closed to grant them a bit more seclusion. She knew that Emily was very keen on her privacy.

"You know I don't." Emily stuck out her tongue, but could not keep herself from planting a kiss on JJ's cheek.

"Is your foot okay?" JJ glanced down, as if she could actually see whether it was broken or not. She knew it was not. The desk was massive and heavy, and sort of ugly, but she doubted that the woman's foot would break from the small height it had dropped. Although she did suspect that Emily would probably still look like nothing was wrong when it was broken.

"It's probably broken." Emily said as her gaze dropped at her foot as well. "Maybe you should take a look at it. Later, I mean." The attempt to keep her face serious failed when JJ rolled her eyes in a feigned annoyance, but her lips curled in a smile within seconds.

"I bet." JJ chuckled, fixing her eyes on Emily. "So tell me what you were doing." She added as she gestured with her head in the direction of their apartment.

"Well," Emily began, biting her lip. "You know how we talked about.. stuff, a few days ago? I thought I could surprise you by clearing out my office.. you know, for the baby." She nodded at JJ's stomach to emphasize her phrase. "Hotch gave us a few hours off, because we had a few long days this week, so I asked the guys to come over and help me do it."

"Well, I am surprised." JJ smiled broadly.

"I mean, we don't have to use it. I'm not even saying that-" Emily rambled, getting nervous all of a sudden. "We haven't talked about it yet but-"

"Shh." JJ hummed as she placed her index finger over Emily's lips. "Em, I love it. I love you. And we can talk about it later, if you want. But I wasn't going anywhere yet, and even if we are.. Not this close to my due date. I really appreciate this. I really appreciate what you're doing." She smiled reassuringly at Emily, cupping her cheek with her hand.

"Good." Emily nodded as she exhaled in what looked like relief. She smiled weakly. "You weren't supposed to be here before we were done but.. Do you want to look at it? We are almost done anyway."

"Of course." JJ said, tilting her head as she looked at Emily.

"What?" She asked in some kind of paranoid suspicion.

"Nothing."

"That has never been a reassuring answer, you know." Emily pointed out, her eyes squinting as she scanned JJ's face.

"It wasn't meant as such." JJ smiled sheepishly. "I was just enjoying the view."

"And I thought I was cheesy." Emily teased, but she could not suppress the amusement that seeped in her entire posture.

"Shut up." JJ nudged Emily's side in a particularly ticklish spot, making Emily squirm the tiniest bit. "Now go inside, we have guests." She said as she pecked Emily on her lips.

Two hours later, Reid and Morgan left after having been treated with pizza and drinks. The office was now empty, and the furniture that had been inside of it till hours prior had been either thrown out or earned another place in the apartment, giving the space a fuller feeling than it used to do. But Emily did not mind. At all.

She closed the door behind Morgan and Reid, putting all the locks and the bolt in place before turning around. "Jayje?" She called questioningly.

"I'm here." Emily heard coming from what was formerly known as her office. She picked up the roll of tape that she had used she fix a few things that had not survived the move unscathed, and walked into the room, joining JJ.

"Are you trying to figure out where everything's going?" Emily asked softly, her hands fiddling with the roll of tape.

"I have some ideas." JJ answered, turning to Emily, who pulled at the tape, unrolling it until she had about three inches worth of it spanning between her hands.

"Care to share them with me?" A smile was playing around Emily's lips. "I can draw the furniture with this."

JJ chuckled. "Well, I thought this might be a nice place for the crib." She pointed at the space where her desk had stood merely hours earlier, and it tallied with Emily's opinion of a 'nice place for the crib', so she sank to her knees and started putting tape on the floor to represent the crib.

JJ resumed pointing out places for the changing table and some other things, as Emily marked them on the floor with tape. Moments later, they had furnished a room without purchasing or lifting any form of furniture, and they were both happy with the result.

"I would like to add something." Emily broke the comfortable silence that was hanging in the air, biting her lip. It was like she was fighting back a smile, but JJ could not figure out why. "You know how parents sometimes have this rocking chair in movies and TV shows? To rock their kids asleep?"

JJ nodded, knowing where this was going.

"Wouldn't you love it if would put one right there?" She pointed to an empty space in the corner, looking at it as if she were already picturing the chair, and her sitting in it.

"The question is, would you?" JJ countered, enjoying Emily's behavior. She was supposed to believe that the woman was joking, which she probably was to some extent, but her posture betrayed actually how much she liked the idea of it.

"What?" She asked distractedly.

"You totally dig the idea of having a rocking chair." JJ chuckled. "And not just to rock your kid asleep."

Emily scoffed, her hand covering her chest in a faux-hurt manner. "Not sure if I'm more hurt by the fact that you think this of me or that it's true." She laughed. "I mean, I'm totally suggesting this because I secretly want to have one to dress up like an old lady and look judgingly at other people as I knit a sweater."

"Or sit in there, looking menacingly around you as you clean your shotgun." JJ offered, earning a smirk from Emily.

"You judge me, but you think it's a good idea, too." Emily stated, moving to sit down in the space, against the wall as she cosed her eyes, humming in joy. "Come join me."

JJ shook her head in feigned disapproval, but she took place in front of Emily anyway, the brunette pulling her between her legs, with her back resting against Emily's chest. She leaned back, her head turning to plant a kiss on her mouth. "I must say.." JJ mused. "This does feel nice."

Emily wrapped her arms around JJ, pulling her a tad closer. "Told ya." She replied as she rested her chin on JJ's shoulder.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you who have managed to stay with this fic for all this time ^^ And the ones who started following the fic just now :D All of it is much appreciated and gives me motivation and encouragement to keep writing (even after all this time :p)
> 
> I hope y'all are still enjoying it, and also, before you start reading this chapter, I probably gotta warn for triggers (though this fic is probably full of it, so I'm a bit late for that..)
> 
> By the way, I'd intended to update sooner, as the last time I said I was already done with the second part, but I added the last scene, and I had exam weeks so I was very busy. And I'll already apologize beforehand as my next semester starts on Monday and it'll be much busier than this one, so I can't promise regular updates.

They sat in silence for a while, neither of them speaking, too caught in the moment. They sat until the floor became too uncomfortable for JJ, her body starting to ache in all kinds of places. So when she stirred, trying to find a position that did work, it turned out to be a futile attempt. Emily suggested they would move to a more comfortable place than their 'rocking chair', and helped her get on her feet again.

They walked to the living room, as it was still early in the evening. JJ felt the exhaustion in her entire body, though, and she actually craved to sink down in the couch and not get up for the first few hours. She was not usually so lazy, but pregnancy really brought it out in her.

When she plopped down on the couch, Emily moved to the kitchen, pouring them both something to drink. For JJ, it was mostly water and juice these days, as she was not allowed to drink much else. When Emily returned, she seemed a bit sunken in her own thoughts, and JJ wondered what she was thinking about. The frown on her face betrayed that she was mulling over something, and JJ guessed that she was worried about something.

"Em, what's wrong?" She questioned, moving to sit up straight, which was in itself to no avail as she were quite obviously not.

"Hm?" Emily only half-replied, being distracted by something, but seemed to snap out of it half a minute later. "Oh, no, nothing is wrong."

JJ tilted her head, observing Emily's behavior. She sat down on a spot on the couch not quite as close as she otherwise would have, but close enough to be within arm's reach. She made a quarter of a turn to face JJ, looking at her seriously.

Apparently the momentary panic that JJ felt bubbling up was visible on her face, as Emily reached out and hurried: "Jayje, it's nothing bad." She inhaled, trying to get rid of the tension in her shoulders. She was nervous, JJ could tell.

But then it dawned on her that Emily probably wanted to talk about things, of which she had said not to be particularly good at. So JJ smiled reassuringly, taking Emily's hand in hers and squeezed.

"So eh.." Emily began, having stuttered more that day than JJ had heard her do in quite a long time. She breathed in once more and then spilled the beans. "I took the weekend off. You said that your parents have a crib we can use, so I thought.. Maybe we can drive up there, spend the weekend?" She paused, scanning JJ's face for answers, before she could even say something. "I mean.. Because you cannot take a plane or drive yourself, I thought.. I don't have to come with you, I can stay in a hotel, but-"

"Em." JJ ended her rambling, moving to sit closer. "I think it's a great idea. I've been actually toying with the idea myself over the past few days as well." Her eyes dropped to their hands, and she started fidgeting, until Emily eventually interlinked both of their hands, lacing her fingers between JJ's, giving her some feel of safety. Her eyes met Emily's again as she confessed: "I can't deny that I'm not scared , but.. I have to tell them about you. About me. I couldn't do that over the phone. It was already too much to tell them about Will over the phone."

She fell silent again, her breathing catching in her throat.

"Hey, Jayje." Emily urged, squeezing JJ's hand. "Breathe. Just focus on me, okay? Breathe."

And so JJ did. She had a hard time focusing on Emily, as her eyes kept running out of focus, but she tried to concentrate on her breathing, which seemed to work. Several minutes later, she had managed to get her breathing under control again. Her heart was still pounding like crazy, and if she did not know better, then she would have suspected it would jump out of her chest.

"You still with me?" Emily asked warmly, her hand still intertwined with JJ's.

"Yeah, I'm sorry." JJ exhaled, biting her lip in frustration. "I keep doing this."

"Yeah, that's the thing with PTSD." Emily said sadly as she looked sympathetically at JJ. "You're doing all you can, but that doesn't make it go away overnight."

"It's just frustrating." JJ sighed, tears welling up in her eyes again as a lump started forming in her throat. She could almost feel the hormones racing through her body, wreaking havoc. She wondered if she would have been as much on edge as she were if it were not for her pregnancy. She felt weak.

"I know." Emily said softly, her free hand moving to JJ's face to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. She wished she had the right kind of words. Not the kind of words that were always used in this sort of cliché kind of dialog. No words that would convey that everything would be okay eventually. That JJ was strong and that she just had to fight a bit longer. No empty promises of what might be, one day.

JJ knew those things. She knew that it was a matter of holding on until things did not hurt as much anymore. Until she could hear Will's name without feeling a panic rise up within her. But only time and talking could heal her. She had to process and give it a place, somehow. She had to learn how to live with that kind of burden. Disconnect the memory of Will from the awful memory of his last moments. The painful truth was that things were never going to be the same. JJ would have the living reminder of Will walking around on the face of the earth. She was not allowed to forget. And Emily did not even think that JJ would want to.

But that did not stop Emily from wanting to take away from the pain. To carry the burdens that JJ had to shoulder. To relieve her from it. She would take it all if she could, but she hardly seemed to know how to offer her the right kind of support. Or maybe to assuage some of the pain.

She shifted closer, her leg touching JJ's. "I know it's not easy.." She sighed. "But if you hold on for long enough.." She searched for words, but they seemed too far out of reach. The only ones that seemed to drift to the surface were the clichéd words she loathed. The ones she tried to avoid as much as possible.

"What if it doesn't get better?" JJ questioned, and Emily could only see pure agony in her eyes. She could tell that she had been thinking about it for a while. That it had been the main subject she had been mulling over for several days, maybe even weeks.

"What if it does?" Emily countered.

"I don't know which one sounds more scary right now." JJ admitted, her voice hoarse and quiet. The only reason that Emily could hear every word she was uttering was because of the close proximity.

"Why?" Emily asked again. It was not that she thought she did not know the answer, but she wanted JJ to say it. See if she could. See if she knew.

"Because.." JJ began, her voice catching in her throat again. Emily's hand found JJ's shoulder, apparently giving her the nudge that she needed. "If I stop.. feeling like this. I- I'm.. I'd stop paying for the sacrifice Will made. The guilt is consuming me, but it's also one of the only things that makes me think that at least something of all this is right. Or justified.. If that's gone.." She paused, inhaling deeply. "On the other hand, I want this feeling to go away.. to fight it.."

"You feel conflicted." Emily summed up. "That's normal. Someone you love died. And you survived."

"It's survivor's guilt." JJ nodded, then sighed. She looked exhausted, and to be longing for a good night sleep. But Emily knew that it had been a long time since she really got that kind of night.

"You'll learn how to live with this guilt." Emily said softly. "It takes time, and it won't come easy, but one day you'll wake up and you realize that you haven't had a nightmare in a few nights. You'll be able to listen to Will's name without feeling.. like this. You'll look at your son and you'll feel like the luckiest and happiest woman in the world. And I'll be there, next to you.. Like I am now. Like I'll always be, if you let me. If you want me. And I know that this is not taking away the pain you feel now.. doesn't stop the struggle.. But it gives you an objective.. Something to work towards. Something that'll grant you hope.. and belief.. That one day you'll be there and things won't be like this. I can't promise you that things will be as I described, but I can promise you that I will be there figuring out what the future will hold for you.. and whether I'm in it as your girlfriend and lover, or just as a friend, or as family, or anything you want me to be.. And that I'll be there to support you in any way I can, no matter what."

Her eyes were looking deeply into JJ's eyes, showing how serious she was about all of this. Yes, she had tried to push the woman in front of her away on multiple occasions, but she wanted her to know that she would try with everything she had to be there for her. She was not keen on making promises, as she always intended to keep them, which was not always possible. Especially great promises like the ones she had made were too big, too unsure. But it was something she felt with her entire being. Something she wanted with all she had to offer.

There was a smile pulling at the sides of JJ's lips, albeit somewhat weakly. But Emily did not intend to make the woman smile. She just wanted her to know that she would fight for JJ while, in turn, she fought her demons.

JJ's throat felt dry, and her chest seemed to accommodate a certain tension that made her feel like running. Running away from herself, if she could. She seemed to feel like that a lot, wanting to shed her own skin and leave everything behind. Wanting to start over, with whatever it was that would grant her the relief she was seeking. Relief from all that she was feeling. Because it was way too much. And it always threatened to spill over. At any moment, at any time.

She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it when she realized she had no words that would convey how she felt. She was not even sure what she was feeling. What the tight feeling in her chest was that only seemed to grow as she tried to fathom why she was feeling like that.

"You don't have to say anything, Jayje." Emily finally said, moving away an inch or so. Their hands were still clasped together, and after a long wordless moment, Emily smiled weakly as she put her other hand on top of their hands, her thumb running across JJ's knuckles. "I eh.. I'm gonna take a shower."

JJ nodded, drawing back her hand. She swallowed, but the awkward feeling in her throat and chest did not alleviate. Emily scrambled up from the couch, her eyes meeting JJ's once again, trying to look for any indication that she was doing the right thing by leaving JJ alone. But JJ wanted some time alone. She had spent the past couple of hours in company, and it seemed particularly draining lately. "Thank you." JJ croaked, her voice raw with emotion.

After Emily had left the room, JJ buried her face in her hands, forcing herself to breathe evenly again, but the tight feeling in her chest remained. She wanted to scream it out, as if that would assuage the pain she was feeling. As if it would render the utter powerless she was feeling incapable of getting to her again. She resented going from wonderful moments like she had in Emily's former office to awful moments like this. Somehow the lows felt that much worse when they came after a high.

She picked up the glass from the table, taking a sip of water. But it did nothing to flush away the feeling inside of her. She put her glass down with much more force than necessary. She felt an anger bubble up inside of her. A frustration that felt hot and searing, and almost urged her to lash out. If it had not been for her very pregnant body, she would have taken it out on a punching bag, but unfortunately she had to avoid that kind of stress on her body, courtesy to her obstetrician.

So she got up from the couch, walking towards their bedroom, opening one of the drawers in which Emily kept her pajamas, taking out one of Emily's sleeping shirts. The fabric felt soft in her hands and was emerged in Emily's scent. Although lately her own clothes were starting to smell like Emily's detergent, too, so technically it was her scent now as well.

She brought the shirt to her nose, inhaling the scent as she closed her eyes. She kept standing there, with the piece of fabric, the seconds ticking away. The shower was running in the background, but the noise faded as she closed herself off from the rest of the world. It was just her and the scent, and the seconds changed into minutes.

When she finally felt the anxiety leave her body and make way for the calm she was looking for, she opened her eyes again. She turned around and saw Emily sitting on the edge of the bed. She tilted her head, as if quietly asking how JJ was doing.

Her hair was already drying up, and she was wearing a sleeping shirt. Which meant that JJ had zoned out for a pretty long time. She had no idea for how long Emily had been watching her, making her feel a bit uncomfortable. But Emily looked at her with kind eyes. No judgment. So JJ did not allow herself to feel too bad about it. Did not allow herself to ponder it too much.

"Had a nice shower?" She asked, her voice hoarser and softer than she had foreseen.

"Yeah, finally got rid of the muck and sweat." Emily answered casually, leaning back on her arms. "You'd be surprised how dirty that office stuff was."

"Nah." JJ joked, though the act felt a bit foreign, still. "I've known you for a while.."

"Hey, are you implying that I'm a slob? I'm hurt!" Emily scoffed, feigning indignation by placing her hand on her chest.

JJ took a few steps closer, her heart jumping up in her chest, as if a weight had been lifted off of it. She felt a warmth spreading through her body at seeing Emily trying to suppress a grin and failing at it gravely. She could not keep her own lips from curling into a smile, albeit less bright than Emily's.

"Hmm." JJ hummed. "I'm sure you'll be fine."

For an instant, an uncertainty flashed in Emily's eyes, but as soon as it slipped in, it was gone. JJ closed the gap between her and the bed, looking down on Emily as her hands found Emily's shoulders. "I know I am." JJ whispered, not wanting to ruin the moment, but also wanting Emily to know that she was okay. Emily placed her hands on JJ's hips, her eyes trained on JJ's.

There was something about the way Emily looked.. the way she held her without pulling her in that made JJ feel impossibly affectionate, making the contrast of feelings she had experienced that day even worse and greater than it had already been. She leaned forward, planting a kiss on top of Emily's head. It felt somewhat more cheesy than JJ had intended, but the moment led her to it.

"You know.." JJ began, looking down at Emily's knees, her lips dropping a bit. "My eh.. moods have been all over the place lately and eh.. I go from 0 to 100 to 0 in no time and I know that's.. that's affecting you too.. And I want to apologize for that. I don't know if you know but.. I really appreciate what you do for me.. who you are to me.. How much support you offer me in all this." She paused, her eyes finding Emily's again. "And I want to thank you for that.. because it means a lot that you do."

"No problem, Jayje." Emily replied, smiling warmly at JJ. "I meant what I said.."

"I know." JJ smiled back at her, her hands moving to Emily's upper arms. "Me too."

Emily's hands found JJ's hands, pulling her down to kiss her. JJ's automatic response was to smile into the kiss, almost losing her balance. When they eventually parted, she buried her fingers in Emily's hair, which felt damp from the shower. "I love you, Em." JJ mumbled before she kissed her again.

* * *

Several miles ahead, a couple of hours earlier

The dark haired woman was running some errands, strutting through the aisles of the supermarket. She peered at the shelves for the ingredients and other products she needed to make dinner, her eyes alternating between looking at the shopping list and the products on the shelves as she tried to figure out where everything was.

She had a hard time focusing on the simple chore, as her thoughts kept drifting off at the thing that had been constantly on her mind for the past months. She tried to scold herself and force herself not to be fazed by it, but the fact was that it made her nervous more than anything else.

She reached for a carton of pancake mix, grabbing the second one on the shelf and returning the first, before putting it in the cart.

She sighed as she walked through the last aisle, checking the content of her cart and crossing off everything from her list. When she had reached the checkout, she scanned for the lines to see which one was the shortest, carefully weighing off the best line to choose, before opting the one she thought was the quickest.

Half an hour later, she locked the door of her apartment whilst clutching the paper bag of groceries against her chest. She listened intently at the sounds in the apartment she shared with her husband as she reveled in the fact that she was in the confined space of her own apartment, instead of outside. She leaned against the door for a few moments, focusing on her breathing, as she kicked off her shoes and awkwardly maneuvered them in the empty space between the rest of her shoes with her feet.

After she had checked the lock twice, she walked in the direction of the kitchen to put away the groceries in the right places, putting down the bag on the kitchen table before she moved towards the sink to wash her hands. She rinsed the filth off of them, enjoying the feel of it. Just for a moment. Enjoying the fact that they were clean.

She then moved to put away the groceries, her hands feeling tainted again. So she washed her hands again. And focused back on the groceries, before washing her hands again. It went on like that for several times, as she kept feeling increasingly foolish due to the power struggle she lost over and over. And she was glad that there was no one to witness the process, because it embarrassed her more than anything.

Most of the days she was good at suppressing the urge to wash her hands, and fight the tainted feeling she had whenever she touched something that her mind did not deem clean, but lately she faltered. And so there were a lot of routines she exhausted time after time, just because her mind could not ignore it. Ones that she kept repeating until she got so frustrated that sometimes she could not ignore the tears that were clinging to her eyes.

And today was one of those days. It must have been the sixth or seventh time that she had been washing her hands that she got so frustrated that she angrily threw the towel through the kitchen. Never something that would break, because what if it truly broke? She instantly regretted the movement, walking towards the other side of the kitchen to pick up the towel and throw it in the hamper.

She wrapped her arms around her chest, and leaned against the wall as the tears started to spill. She felt helpless. Hopeless. Frustrated. All the time. And she had no idea what to do about it.

She heard a few dull sounds from the other side of the apartment, and then footsteps were approaching in her direction. She tried to contain herself, forcing herself to not look upset, but she was not in control of her emotions.

"Hey, hon." His voice sounded, as he cornered the door. His smile faded quickly as he noticed his wife's face. "What's wrong? What happened?" He asked with concern, moving towards her in a manner that suggested he wanted to hold her.

But he knew her. So well. And so he did not come too close. Did not touch her, until she moved closer to him. Allowed him to wrap his arms around her in an attempt to console her.

"Nothing.. it's just.." She heaved. It was not necessarily that she was struck by tears, but just the anxiety that she felt in her entire body that made it impossible for her to sound calm. To contain herself. To quiet the nerves.

"The illness." He finished her sentence as his hand stroked her hair, holding her close as he gave her the time to pull herself together. "It's only logical.. considering what you're going through."

She felt a jolt of guilt shoot through her body, because he only knew whatever information she had fed him. He did not know everything about what she was going through. She had lied to him about things. She had to. After Peters had been arrested, she had had to come up with a new plan. She had convinced her husband that they had had to move to Quantico for her job. Now, she did not have a job, and spent the majority of her time in a storage unit she had rented to come up with a plan. A plan to finish what Peters started.

And even if she had found the method she was going with, she had her doubts. There was something holding her back from pursuing the mission. Nevertheless, she was still intending to accomplish it. When the time was right. When she felt as if there were no holes left in her plan.

She exhaled, pulling her husband closer. She was not particularly fond of touching other people, but he had always been an exception to that rule. Even after her loyalty towards him had wavered. Even if it were still wavering, as she was betraying him every day.

For a moment, the image of her cutting her own chest open and all the dirt and black filth spilling out bubbled up in her mind, leaving an awful smell and taste inside of her nose and mouth. So she closed her eyes, willed the images of it away, and tried to ignore the urge to stab herself.

She pulled back a little, looking intently at her husband's eyes. "Better?" He asked softly as his eyes ran across her face, scanning for signs that things were alright, but also trying to exclude the possibility that she was not okay. He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, his hand cupping her cheek.

She exhaled. "Not sure." She replied curtly. The truth was that she was not really better. Especially now she had pulled back, it dawned on her that she had so much to do, still. She suddenly got very restless, making her pull back even further from the safe space that his arms provided. "I've got stuff to do."

But her husband grabbed her arms gently, keeping her in place. "Wait." He said. "Just.. focus on one thing at the time. And let me help whenever you feel like you can."

She stayed silent for a moment, her gaze falling to the floor, before she looked up again and nodded, albeit somewhat weakly.

"What do you want to do first?" He asked gently, his fingers wrapped around her arms so she had no choice but stand there in calm.

"Take a shower." She mumbled. He smiled at her nervously, because he knew that she wanted to take a shower to clean away the coating of dirt that the outside world had given her. And that it was typically one of the compulsions that she needed to resist. But they were harder to resist when she was mentally unstable.

"What else?" He asked, avoiding the previous suggestion in an attempt to spare her embarrassment.

"Prepare dinner." She responded, biting her lip.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" He offered, but she shook her head.

"No.." She signed. "I could probably use the distraction. I'll be fine."

He looked at her once more before he nodded. "Okay. Just let me know if you need me, okay?"

So she nodded back, attempting to smile. "Thanks, love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the amount of angst :D And also this last part was very focused on the accomplice, but this is how I have her pictured in my head so I thought I could give y'all a bit of insight on that ^^ I hope you 'enjoyed' her point of view, as this went beyond the glimpses we have had of her before (right? I'm not entirely sure as I have read parts of this fic, which, my god, are sometimes way more cheesier than I remembered xD I apologize :D but I have no time to read it all.. and I haven't written everything I have pictured in my head, obviously :D)
> 
> Anyway, any thoughts are much appreciated :D and I hope y'all have a good day or week :)


	31. Chapter 31

Hey all,

I’m sorry for those who were sorta looking forward to a new chapter, and yet found that there was another announcement. But I have something to say, as I am mulling this over for the past week or so.

So I have some motivational issues when it comes to writing more for this fic, aside of the time management issues (but I think the motivational issues are much worse, as I would probably find the time to write or at least use what little time off I have to write for this fic).

I know that the last time – when I put this fic on indefinite hold – this was the same reason. And that hasn’t really changed, so I already feel that I’m growing disinterested in finishing this fic. Or at least, continuing. Writing is hard and a LOT of work, and it costs me a lot of emotional energy as well. So I decided that instead of quitting again, it may be a better idea to just tell you guys that – right now – I don’t really feel satisfactory with writing this fic, and I feel more anxious than any positive feelings.

Now, what you can do for me in this, is answer a few questions :D As this would clear up some worries and concerns I have about this fic, because right now I’m feeling as if the biggest majority actually hates it (which I understand.. I know I’m not good at writing, and I know I don’t come near the talent that most of the writers in this fandom show in their writing, and the lack of consistency and everything would probably also amount to that) and that doesn’t really add to me feeling good about writing :D

So my question to you is: a) are actively interested in this fic? In knowing how it’s gonna end?

b) which parts matter to you? So that could be JJ and Emily, or JJ’s PTSD, or Emily’s side on all this, or the Accomplice.. or maybe something else?

And c) I actually have a lot in my mind that pertains to this storyline.. and it’s quite extensive.. but if y’all aren’t so interested in that, I can also just shorten it, or possibly just even write a summarizing epilogue kind of chapter that sums up shortly what is going to happen from now.. then you’ll still know what happens, who the accomplice is, and some other stuff that I can’t tell you about yet, but you don’t have to read several thousands of words on :D So it’d be nice to know if you just want me to do that or maybe write about certain parts more detailed or whatever..

And I just want you to be honest with me. If you’re actually not interested in it anymore, then that’s fine too. Then I know that my suspicions were right, and then I can do something about it. So it’d be preferable if you also mention what I can do better, so I can learn something and change things on how I write the remainder. Anyway, I would also like to stress that I’m not forcing you to do anything, because it should be totally up to you if you feel like answering my questions, but it would be highly appreciated, as the last time I didn’t ask them and that killed my spirit.

So, I hope to hear from some of you, and hope you all have a good weekend :)

\- Mathemagician


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